That old melancholy feeling.

Tonight we booked one-way tickets to the US. In 5 weeks we'll be saying goodbye to New Zealand and starting anew somewhere in the States.

I know I should be ecstatic about it, but I'm not. All I feel is this deep sense of melancholy. We've been planning to leave NZ since before I even moved here, but now the plans are so permanent and I find myself asking "Why are we moving?". I know all the logical reasons why, I just can't seem to give a shit about them anymore. Who leaves a place that makes them happy for the unknown that could bring them misery? Apparently we do. What the fuck is up with that?

Okay, I'll admit it...I'm scared. Not just a little, I mean I am completely overwhelmed by this huge fear that is sitting squarely on my chest. I think it's having a lovely chat with the neurotic panic and paranoia currently circling 'round in my mind. The two of them are having quite the party with my sanity (what little I have).

I suppose the fact that I've been sick since New Year's with some "tummy bug" (as named by the urgent care doc I saw) that seems more like a tummy gila monster is not really helping the matter any. I haven't been able to take most of my medication so I'm feeling really grand at the moment if you catch my drift.

I have an ENTIRE FLAT FULL OF SHIT to sort, sell off, or pack and ship, but instead of doing that I'm sitting here with this "deer caught in the headlights" dazed look on my face, in between the bouts of hysterical tears.

I've been trying to find my happy place, but I think it's on vacation indefinitely. Probably sunning itself on the same tropical beach as my sanity. Bastards.

The sun is so mean to me...

It is! Yesterday Chris and I drove 2 hours south to Hamilton (a smaller city in NZ) to get a computer that was on clearance for $400 cheaper than originally, and they had one of the only stores left in NZ that had any in stock. Yes, this is what happens when one is married to a computer geek, but I love Hamilton (and this was a perfect excuse to get away from the computer for a day and truthfully, NaNoWriMo *snort*) so I wasn't complaining any!

Hamilton is famous here for "Hamilton Gardens". It's huge, full of gardens representing designs and plants from all over the world. Twice before we've been to Hamilton and managed to run out of time with other things (or end up with shit weather), so when we saw it was supposed to be a clear day we decided to go walk the gardens and take pictures (I'll post them eventually).

Since we were going to be outdoors in the brutal NZ sun, we both doused ourselves with sunscreen and took advantage of the shade when possible. I lucked out and didn't burn at all, so we'll be using that sunscreen all summer! A soak in tepid bath water last night still didn't bring out any burn, so I figured I'd gotten away with the 2-3 hours out in the sun, right? NOPE

Earlier today I noticed my arms felt like they had tiny bumps on them, you know, like I was covered in goosebumps, but they weren't goosebumps? I call it a sun rash. Usually the bumps go away within a week and don't bother me much, but not this time. I'm sitting here itching up a storm and the raised bumps are pinkish and now along the tops of my hands, fingers, cheeks, and upper chest. Basically, anywhere the sun hit. WTF is up with that?

Doctors always laugh when I say sometimes I think I'm allergic to the sun...little do they know how it really is. I've had the rash for years, but this is the worst it's been. I don't think it's the fault of the Plaquenil though because I was on it last year and as long as I was careful about sunscreen and being in the shade as much as possible I only got the rash if I started to burn.

This doesn't bode well for the rest of the summer 'cause the sun will only get more intense as we head into December.

OMG somebody make the itching stop! Alright, I gotta go Google to see if I can find something to help 'cause this is so not cool.

My day was....eh.

WHAT THE FUCK? Blogger is so dumb ass I swear. I typed that title and then hit "enter" instead of "tab" and what did the stupid thing do?? SUBMIT THE POST! *falls over* I guess it decided that was going to be the permanent title of today's blog post and although I could delete it so it would disappear and no one would know, I'm not gonna do it, because this is just another example of what a winner day I've had!

Ever had one of those days that volley back and forth between bad and good so you can't really label it either one? Yeah, that was today. Lemme see if I can break it down for ya!

BAD: Stayed up 'til 4 am listening to playlist.com and typing a blog post because Chris was finishing up some computer work and really, any excuse to listen to more music is good with me, even though I KNEW 4 am was a bad idea because it will knock me off for days sleep-wise.

GOOD: Tomorrow is my 5th acupuncture/chinese medicine treatment (I've been at it for 4 weeks total now) and things seem to be working because I started my period today! I know, TMI for some, but I'm not one of those prim women who never speak of such things, so eh. 3 years ago periods would have definitely been in the "bad" category, but since I've only had an non-medically induced period twice in the past 2 years, that's a pretty big fucking deal and since the acupuncture treats pain and such, no "shoot me now I'll give you all the money I have" endometriosis cramps, shocking, eh? And hopefully this means my ovaries haven't given up on ever working again. I may not ever use them for baby making, but god is life hell when they aren't working properly.

GOOD: I talked to my brother on the phone today, he makes me laugh, that boy is so full of shit.

BAD: I talked to my brother today, he doesn't know when to shut up, wouldn't listen when I said I wasn't talking politics with him, and at one point was talking so loud that I could hold the phone 2 feet away from me and still hear him. When he started yelling at me about being a baby killer I'd had more than I could take and handed the phone to Chris because I had to get ready to go to a doctor's appointment and the ranting made me cry (which REALLY pissed me off). Why can't people respect other's boundaries?

BAD: The doctor was almost 45 minutes behind schedule.

GOOD: My GP has the best sense of humor, so we always have good chats and he's good natured about being joked on for running late (he's always running late). We've decided I seem to be holding my own with all the health drama.

BAD: My monthly blood work came back with my iron lower, again. It drops every month since the last infusion. I even started eating red meat again 6 weeks ago to try and boost up the levels since doctors are stubborn and don't get that nothing I eat is going to fix this. So, before we leave NZ in January I'll probably be looking at another 8 hour infusion at the hospital to top up my levels again. YAY! The stain from when the IV infiltrated last time is pretty much faded away...hopefully it won't do that this time.

GOOD: We're going to tweak the meds the Rheumatologist put me on to try and restore the rhythm of my sleep cycle. It's working at the really low dose, but not as much as they want, so we'll go up a tiny bit, starting tonight, so that'll remedy the 4 am rebound shit. I have to get to bed by midnight though. *sighs*

BAD: My blood pressure was still up from that bloody phone call with my brother! The doctor laughed and said he knew I must have been really agitated about something since it's never high any other time. Siblings are a joy, aren't they?

BAD: Drivers on the road acting stupid and trying to get into an accident.

GOOD: Went to the veggie shop and loaded up on all the pretty spring produce!! I know, it's strange, but fresh food makes me happy.

BAD: We ate dinner out because I had no energy after the appointment and errands. But the food was GOOD, so I guess it's a draw? LOL

BAD: When we got home I opened my Inbox and there were non-happy things in there that reminded me way too much of the earlier conversation with my brother, as well as other conversations like it, which made me upset, and since the girlie hormones are doing their thing in my blood, I ended up in tears again!

GOOD: More music, LOUD music, to help the thoughts in my head flow better. Rock music helps when I'm angsty.

BAD: I have to address the emails at some point, but to be honest I just don't know where to begin anymore. I'm so tired of this. So. Damn. Tired.

OH YEAH, and if one more person tells me that pro-choice = pro-abortion, or insinuates that pro-choice means I'm a happy baby killer, I might physically harm them (and I'm not sure I'd label that one BAD either... ;-P)

So depending on how I tally things up, it comes out to BAD: 8-9 GOOD:6-8

Yeah, like I said to begin with, the day was....EH!

Another string to my bow.

Last week I went to see my Rheumatologist for what I thought was a flare up of my arthritis. The last 2-3 months have been particularly bad, and I figured the cold winter weather paired with the rain just didn't sit well with my body, so my joints were flaring up and the fatigue came back. Even daily session with the elliptical machine couldn't keep the ache at bay, although it does help with the stiffness a bit!

Well, I was right, I'm in the middle of a flare up, but not from the arthritis. After a chat and some questions, pushing on all the spots that make me jump, and making me feel like produce battered around by a thoughtless cashier, the Rheumatologist explained his suspicions.

The pain I'm having is not from the arthritis. The "joint" pain is really pain from the muscles surrounding the joints, which is why different ones are aching then do when my arthritis is truly being temperamental. The deep muscle pain that I have in various points in my body including pretty much my whole back, neck, shoulder, and chest area, along with the weird sleep problems, cognitive issues, and increasing fatigue I've been having paint a distinct, non-arthritis picture.

What's up? His his opinion I have fibromyalgia. The particular odd sleep patterns are common in patients with Fibromyalgia Syndrome (FMS). Apparently most people don't wake up 4-5 times in a "good" night and 8-9 times in a "restless" night of sleep! I wouldn't know. I've had that problem since I was a teenager, along with the intermittent insomnia that keeps me up for days, muscles that always ache no matter how long or short an activity is, and a whole host of other things. The rain just seemed to intensify things, and the stress I've been under and the whiplash injury earlier this year probably added to it. I knew he'd been pressing certain points along my body to gauge my pain response, and while some have eased up, others are even worse. The ones that have eased are joint specific and probably are from the arthritis, where as the others according to a chart I came across are specific for fibromyalgia. I guess he'd been suspecting it for a while but wanted to make sure the pain wasn't from the arthritis, anemia, or Vitamin D deficiency I've been dealing with. All of those are responding to treatment well, so we're left with....this. To be honest I had a sneaking suspicion I'd hear that diagnosis at some point, I just didn't think it would come in addition to arthritis! *snort*

We've decided to keep my arthritis meds as they are because they obviously are working well, my joints aren't swollen, there's no heat in them and no pain if we take away the muscle pain. In addition we're going to try an extremely low dose of a medication to try and help my sleep cycle. Not a sleeping pill, the GP tried to give me those and I decided not to take them because I thought they'd make things worse. The Rheumatologist said sleeping pills are the wrong thing for this type of sleep problem, I'd end up addicted to them and still not feel better because they disrupt the natural sleep cycle, which I already have going on without are pharmaceutical help! Hopefully this other medication will work. I've been taking a tiny dose for a week now and will double that tonight to what will hopefully be the "maintenance dose". The theory is the medication will help my body relax like it should in the evening, and help me sleep a bit deeper so I'm less likely to wake up with every little thing. When that happens hopefully my muscles won't spend every night on full alert, and that will in turn impact my pain level and fatigue level without major pain medications! So *crosses fingers* it better work damn it!!

Part of me is frustrated to have yet another thing to deal with, but in truth I've been dealing with it all along, it just has a name now. With a name I can assure my body that I hear what it's trying to tell me, and I can learn about it and find ways to improve the matter! So I'm thankful really. After all the bullshit I put up with in other areas of the medical profession, at least I have one kick ass Rheumatologist!!

Foreign Body

Two days ago Chris and I were roaming through a store when I came upon a clearance rack with a sweater I thought would fit. Finding clothes here that fit me and look alright is a rarity, and winter clothes even more so, and so I picked it up. They had 3 sizes near my size so I figured I should try on what I thought was the right size, just in case the cut was a bit narrow in the chest.

Once in the dressing room I took off my sweater and t-shirt and turned to take the sweater off the hanger, and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Now, our house only has 2 mirrors, a tiny one big enough to see your face in in the bathroom, and a full length one that is in the "stuff" room that isn't easily gotten to, so I rarely see my whole body in the mirror.

As my eye caught my reflection I gasped, looked away, then looked back in a double take. I couldn't believe what I was seeing, it took my breath away for a moment. It was like I didn't even recognise the body that my head was attached to. This was not the body that I came to New Zealand with at all. Since being here I went through a phase where I gained over 50 lbs in the course of about 4 months, thanks in part to a lovely issue known as PCOS. As if gaining the weight wasn't enough, it also prevents you from getting it back off, at least, until you find a doctor willing to meet you halfway. I do my part. I eat well, cut back on grains, have an elliptical machine that I get on as often as I can (except for when I'm banned from it by the doctor because my arthritis is being a bitch), but in the end I can only do so much and when I can't find a doctor who will read the latest studies and work with me to get this thing under control, well, I'm fucked.

So I'm left with this...foreign body. It is. It's foreign. This is not me. I don't recognise it. I work so hard to nourish and care for my body and this is what I get? Why?

After regaining my breath I tried to smile at myself in the mirror, say "I love you, it's okay, we'll find help soon.", and pull the sweater over my head. It was a bit too small. While I used to have to buy clothes to fit my bust because it was the biggest part of my upper body, now I buy to fit the massive tire situated around a "beer belly" situated around my waist. It's not fair to have a beer belly when I don't drink beer.

I got dressed quickly, grabbed the next size up, and got out of the store. Don't get me wrong, I love me, but I feel like I'm living inside a foreign country, and I'm not talking about New Zealand.

Day 10

As of today I've been gluten free for 10 days, and I have to say it's been going pretty good! Most days I haven't had the bloated tummy feeling I was getting after eating bread or pasta, my body feels a bit more in balance, and my head feels a bit clearer.

Now, I think that is probably because with most grains gone my food choices have been easier to balance protein/carb wise, but it could be because of not eating the grains themselves. I have an endocrine problem which causes me to be pretty much pre-diabetic. As a result I have to be careful about the balance of food I eat to prevent my blood sugar from spiking. No, I don't have to monitor my blood sugar or anything, but I know trying to keep my eating habits close to those of a diabetic will help keep me from developing diabetes in the future.

Anyway, the food in general has been really good! Since I eat a lot of fruits and veggies I have plenty of variety in my diet. I have to make more effort to cook these days, but that's a good thing IMO. Grain foods are convenient, we throw something on two pieces of bread and call it a sandwich so we can eat and go back to what we were doing, but I think that often we can do better. I've been eating a bit of rice, as well as some rice crackers (I've always loved them). I decided that quiona is just not for me, at least not in it's whole form, too crunchy. The texture is what I imagine caviar must be like to eat. Blech. But, I'm going to try cooking with the quinoa flakes I found at some point.

Tonight, I had my first taste of gluten free bread. Chris found out that a local burger place offers gluten free buns for their burgers, so I got one with grilled chicken, pear, caramelised onions, and brie (along with other burger toppings). Soooo good! The bun was interesting. The parts that had become damp from the tomato relish were almost a mealy texture, not doughy like you'd find with regular bread. It had that almost stale texture too, but I expected that since I've had baked goods that use "alternative" flours before. All it all it was really good though. I'd eat it again. And I'm glad I got to try it and appreciate what that restaurant is doing for the gluten free community around here. Offering diverse food choices that cater to food allergies is a great thing. They even took the time to point out on their menu that their fries are not gluten free (though I think most gluten free eaters would assume that!).

Mixing it up in the kitchen...

My body once again hates the food I eat. So what's a girl to do?

Go gluten free for a while.

"Gluten free!" you gasp. Yes, gluten free. Bye bye wheat and all your little gluten filled buddies, for several weeks I'm cutting you out!

"But why?" you ask. Simple. Something I've been eating on a daily basis is making the natives VERY restless, and that's just no way to live! Now I love bread and pasta as much as the next person (and maybe a little more considering my vegan years) but no food is worth feeling miserable all the time. And what good is any food when it can't stay in my body long enough for me to absorb any nutrients from it? None. So, I've got to figure out what's going on. And how many foods to we really eat consistently every day? For me, not that many. I eat as wide a variety of foods as I can. The only sure things in my daily diet are bread of some form, oatmeal, peanut butter, odds are some form of dairy, and whatever fruits and veggies cross my path.

Since the only tried and true way to figure out food intolerances is by some form of rotation diet, that's what I'm doing. It's always worked before. Either one food I'm eating isn't right for me anymore, or a combination of them together is causing the upset (sometimes this is found with dairy and grain together). My solution therefore is to go 3-4 weeks without gluten or oats. That gives me enough time to see if it makes any difference. During that time I'll eat some form of dairy every day. If I'm still noticing problems every day then I'll cut out the dairy and peanut butter. By then things should be calm. If not then I can only assume there is something more complex going on with my digestive system in general, and I'll suck it up and go talk to the doctor.

I should also point out that I have an autoimmune disorder (some arthritis like thing) that is flaring at the moment, so could be influencing this whole drama. However, when trying to find the source of my long standing iron deficiency anemia (still a bit of a mystery) the doctor tested me for Celiac's disease and the blood work came back negative. So I'm pretty sure I'm not having an autoimmune response to gluten at the moment. But the blood test can't tell you anything about intolerances (since they occur in different ways) so the only way to figure it out is to cut it out of my diet entirely for a while.

Should be fun I think! I'm always up for a challenge in the kitchen. After working in food service for years I've picked up some skills and am a pretty decent cook if I do say so myself. So I say bring it on...lets see how creative I can get with this! Life is too short to eat bad food (or food that hates you)!

I love food, but sometimes it doesn't love me...

I'm a food geek, I admit it. I think about the food I eat more than most people I suppose. The nutritional composition of it, where it's come from, what's in it, who made it, how it could be made better, it's all swirling around in my head every time I take a bite of something. I suppose growing up with various food restrictions (my mom was Seventh Day Adventist) caused me to pay attention to what exactly I was eating as a kid, and with a mother who was rather particular about the food she ate in general, the habit just became more complex as I got older. When I was 14 my parents decided we were all going vegan. VEGAN. Us kids were less than impressed with all that. I mean, vegetarian we could get behind, but vegan?? They had good intentions though. My siblings both had rather severe asthma and my mother was hoping cutting out dairy products would impact their asthma for the better (it did, substantially' and was so worth it.)

And then when I was 19 I developed my first food intolerance--corn. I was heart broken, it was my favorite vegetable and suddenly I couldn't eat it without becoming violently ill. It was strange to say the least. I suspect a bad case of the flu I had immediately prior to reacting to corn caused my body to be in the perfect state to have a reaction, but we'll never really know for sure I guess. All I knew was that it sucked. But, I learned to live with it and get on with life, carefully avoiding a food I used to wolf down with gusto. Then, later that summer I got the same reaction to watermelon. Oh you can imagine how mad I was. The peak of summer in the southern US? All you feel like eating is watermelon! But after pushing the issue a few weeks after the first reaction I quickly made peace with the fact that my body was less than impressed with watermelon. It was okay though, I figured I'd just eat cantaloupe or honeydew melon instead, since they were in season and had the cool, refreshing qualities I loved so much in watermelon. But my digestive system had other ideas, and they were quickly added to the growing list of "foods to avoid".

Over the next few years oranges, tomatoes, lettuce, most greens, all bagged vegetable products in the grocery stores, and even apples were added to the list, as well as whole grains. I could eat highly refined grain products like pasta or bread products made with white flour, but any whole grain would have me writhing in pain. I think that was the most mysterious of all. Why whole grains? Why was the processed versions okay? I began to notice the trend with a few other things too. Like, fresh tomatoes--bad. Ketchup--fine. Oranges--bad. Small amounts of cooked orange juice concentrate--fine. Musing about it one day my mom and I decided that perhaps the reason they worked was because the offending food was processed to the degree that my body didn't quite recognise it as offensive....either that, or whatever was offending me was removed in the processing. We figured maybe I was reacting not to the foods, but the pesticides used on them as they grew? In time I had to leave my vegan way of eating in order to diversify my diet a bit. I'd read several studies done that showed some people with a family history of food allergies can "activate" them after restricting their diet radically and was concerned maybe veganism had helped trigger it. After that the development of new sensitivities halted for the most part, which I took to be a good sign!

Fast forward several years and I found myself living here in New Zealand. Moving to a new place is always a challenge, but when you have various food sensitivities that have you living in your bathroom for days, well, it's even more so. I recall many days when I first got here spent curled up on the bed, sick from some food that somehow contained something not compatible with me. But after living here for a while and trying new "safe" things and such, I began to notice my body calming down in some ways. One day I ended up eating something I didn't intend to (tomatoes) and yet an hour later I still hadn't had a reaction. Can you imagine how elated I was? I called my mom and almost bawled over the fact that I wasn't sick, and she spoke the words that had been milling around in my head "What else do you think you might be able to eat?" What else indeed. Apples, lettuce, and tomatoes turned out to be just fine here. My only guess is that either they are a different variety, or whatever chemical I was reacting to in the US is not in use here. In the last 6 months I've added in some whole grains as well!

But, last month it started all over again. Nothing seems to sit well, I dread eating, and I know every detail of my bathroom (if I owned the place it would be totally redone by now). Not good. So what's a foodie to do? Start a new post about my solution...LOL