How do you grow?

There's a bougainvillea growing in my backyard. As spring has revived it the new growth has become so prolific that I can barely get our door open! Carefully weaving our way through the thorn-studded new branches has become something of an obstacle course. ;-P This is our third (and final) spring/summer in this flat and although it grows rapidly and gets pruned back several times a year, I've never seen it quite so determined to grow up the side of the house. It even sent shoots right up through the gutter and now part of our roof is in full bloom!

While contemplating how to tame the beast so the property owner doesn't send someone to rip it out of the yard (she's already threatened to once because she doesn't want to pay someone to prune it twice a year, plant hating bitch) I found my mind wandering back to a conversation I had with a good friend the other day. We were talking about growth and how the places we live and the friends we keep influence our progress (or lack thereof) to a point. Both of us have left behind family and more familiar places for experiences in a world far different from the one we first met in. While thinking of mutual friends still back in that area we wondered, did we change because we left? or did we leave because we needed the change and knew we wouldn't find it if we stayed there?

We've all heard the saying "You've gotta bloom where you're planted!" and for most of my life I have tried to take that sentiment to heart and grow even when I feel like I'm stuck in a place not nurturing me in the way I need. But I think perhaps that phrase is not always accurate. Granted, at times we do need to strive to bloom where we find ourselves, however I can think of instances when I needed more than just encouragement to keep my chin up--I needed to be transplanted to a whole new garden!

So how do we know when to bloom where we're planted versus hoping for a transplant? What about people we know who are stagnant in the environment they find themselves in? When do they (and we) realise you've "...gotta go where you can grow!" as my friend said?

The answer I think comes when we remember that each one of us is a different plant.

Some of us are like hybrid tea roses that need delicately balanced environments in order to flourish or else we suffer from stunted growth and rarely bloom, failing to reach our full potential because we never had the nourishment we needed to do so.

Others are potted plants that live comfortably within the confines of their pot, slowly growing as they go indoors and outdoors, according to the seasons and what suits them best. They may not have the most spectacular growth, but they keep at a steady pace and generally mind their own business, soaking up food and water as they're given and every once in a while they get an upgrade to a bigger pot!

Me? I'm the crazy bougainvillea climbing the side of our flat, bright fuchsia flowers spilling all over the place! Planted in a less than ideal spot I tend to send out feeler shoots that weave their way near and far, looking for solid support. Once I find some I grab on and end up places I'd never dreamed, drinking in sunlight to spur on my growth. At times I get cut back for whatever reason and feel discouraged, but once I've had time to regroup I start all over again (often times stubbornly doing the same thing as before *snort*). Not one to stay in one place, I seem to maintain quite a broad existence as I constantly seek out the things I need to continue to grow--even if it means taking on the roof!

So how do you grow?

Oh the things my mind wonders...

What makes some struggle with so much and still stick their chins out and keep going no matter how hard they get knocked down, while for others one small thing makes them fall to pieces and never try to get up again?

A blog post DinerGirl (you should read her blog, she has a way with words and her posts are shorter than mine!) wrote recently made that question (and others) spring up yet again in my mind. It's a question I mull over all the time and have talked about at length with many friends, we still don't have any firm conclusions. But I wonder do the things we go through have something to do with it?

I think of some of my close friends and wonder what the hell it is that keeps them going, no matter how many punches they take in this world.

P., who struggles with bipolar disorder (a diagnosis that took far too long and whom misdiagnoses and mistreatment almost killed), and yet is bravely fighting through those early twenties years, trying to conquer the things that do their best to knock her down. I see myself in her every time we talk. I remember how bad those years were for me and I'm trying desperately to be for her what I needed so much and no one would be for me. She'll make it through this period in her life and I can't even imagine the places she'll go.

J., who fights with anxiety and depression that try to choke the life out of her. A childhood that gave her many of the same issues I myself deal with, an ex who could have been the death of her, and two beautiful girls she's trying to raise in the midst of it all who she worries every day will grow up to struggle with the same things that haunt her. She juggles a million things everyday and yet bit by bit is getting closer to making a stable life for herself and her girls.

S., whose life experiences should be a best selling book. One minutes you'd be laughing and the next crying your heart out over the things she's been through. And yet, she is one of the most compassionate people I know. She'd give you the shirt off of her back and her shoes too if she thought you needed them. On top of the clinical depression she lives with every day, she has a teenage son who is going through his own psychological complexities that take more out of her than most people would be willing to go through for their children. Says a lot, doesn't it? She's tried to check out of this world several times but somehow never succeeded, and now stays in it so that she can be the advocate her son needs.

M., who I swear is my twin lost at birth. The two of us living in the same city would probably be more than any town could take. Quirkiness feeds off quirkiness and multiplies I think. It's okay though, we'd never get anywhere because we'd lose the car keys we're so absent-minded and distracted! She deals with much of the same health issues I do and time after time swears off dealing with useless doctors who are too busy chatting with drug reps to give us the time of day. And yet she tries again eventually, because she wants to not just make it through the day, but be well. She can make me laugh 'til my stomach aches. That's priceless.

And Chris. Chris....well, we're married and best friends, that should tell you everything.

And there are others... Every person I've mentioned above inspires some part of my life (including you DG) and I am thankful for them every day. They've come into my life in the oddest ways (most I met online!) and it seems to me that I collect them, these people that I can see elements of myself in, who resonate with something in me. And they keep on coming. I'm still surprised when it happens and yet I'm not, because I decided years ago to bring into my life people who help me be my true self instead of who they think I should be.

But what keeps them going? What makes them hit what seems like rock bottom repeatedly and they lay there for a minute, take a deep breath, and start hauling themselves up again? They have every right to stay down for the count and say they're done trying and yet they don't. And how do I know that? Because they are still living and breathing and creating beauty in their lives. They are still reaching their hands out to others who seem to be drowning and offering a semi-normal conversation, or a smile, or a soothing word. They help me breathe when the anxieties and obsessive thoughts that crowd my brain and restrict my life get the best of me. They give me the love, compassion, understanding, grace, and support that I can give everyone else but myself. I guess they give me what I try to give them.

Where does that come from, when others I know--who have been through far less--use the things they deal with to justify the hate they spread and the pain they inflict on others?

I still don't have any answers to those questions, but I think the ability to hope and to self analyse have something to do with it.

Change of plans...

I meant to blog something else today, but while listening through the music I got cheap from Amazon.com I came across this song on the Jason Mraz's new CD "We Sing. We Dance. We Steal Things." It's not a CD I would have picked up at full price simply because I don't have any of his other music (although what I have heard of his music I've liked) so I decided to chance it and I'm so glad I did.

This song feels like a warm hug being offered to someone who feels like their world is spinning out of control and they need someone to steady them. Rumor is he wrote it for a friend going through a hard time (whose answering machine message you hear at the beginning, and then another one at the end.)

I love it so much it's going on my music player for those moments when I need to remember to breathe. It says all the things I try to tell everyone else when they feel like their entire world is unraveling.

Details in the Fabric

Calm down, deep breaths
And get yourself dressed
Instead of running around
And pulling on your threads
And breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it
If it's a broken arm, then brace it
If it's a broken heart, then face it

And hold your own, know your name
And go your own way.
Hold your own, know your name
And go your own way.
And everything, will be fine.

Hang on, help is on the way
And stay strong, I'm doing everything

Hold your own, know your name
And go your own way.
Hold your own, know your name
And go your own way.
And everything,
Everything will be fine
Everything...

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts, results of static cling?
All the things that make you blow
Hell no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked,
It's just the fault of faulty manufacturing
Everything, will be fine
Everything, in time
Everything...

Hold your own, know your name
And go your own way.
Hold your own,
(are the details in the fabric)
Know your name
(are the things that make you panic)
And go your own way
(are your thoughts, results of static cling?)

Hold your own,
(are the details in the fabric)
Know your name
(are the things that make you panic)
And go your own way
(is it mother nature's sewing machine?)

Hold your own,
(are the things that make you blow)
Know your name
(hell no reason, go on and scream)
And go your own way.
(if you're shocked, it's just the fault of faulty manufacturing)

Everything, will be fine
Everything, in no time at all
Hearts will hold...

Thanksgiving

I've been trying to write a blog post about Thanksgiving for the last hour and it's just not working. Nothing goes together, some of it sounds cheesy, some cynical and sarcastic, some highly pessimistic, and the majority of it--downright blah. So instead of a coherent post, all you're gonna get is random things scattered all over the place and squished together. Sort of how a dinner plate looks on Thanksgiving now that I think about it. *snort*

1. I wonder what Native Americans think about Thanksgiving? Having some Native blood myself (as do a good portion of Americans) I can't help but think about how on the one hand Native Americans saved the starving asses of people who landed on their shore and then were killed and stripped of their land by others who followed after once America started to look attractive to their pockets.

2. Isn't it kind of funny how the whole nation that was participating in the "What I'm thankful for..." lovefest the day before, suddenly transform into a rabid, psychotic crowd that push, shove, and if need be, fight their way through crowds of shoppers to get a good deal on that toy Tommy has to have for Christmas or the big screen TV they've been drooling after? Those crowds are mean! Let's hope no one gets hurt this year.

3. Have you ever noticed how incredibly reluctant everyone is to go home for the holidays...and yet they go home for the holidays!?! What is this ritualistic torture we all put ourselves through every year? I mean, I'm thankful for my family even though they really drive me nuts sometimes, but some people's families get into knock down, drag out fights at Thanksgiving dinner, and yet they still do it every year! This is yet another reason why I think we are a nation full of masochists. Do you think the puritanical roots of the early settlers have anything to do with it? Mixed in with all that Catholic guilt from the later droves of immigrants (think Irish and Hispanic). Yeah. We have guilt issues.

4. I'm thankful for a shitload of things that I can't even put into words. I could try, but I'll forget something and then feel guilty about it! Damn it, there goes that guilt again, see what I mean about guilt issues? Fine, to override my worry over guilt, I'll list some of the things that I'm thankful for anyway! In no particular order (because if I try and order it this will never get listed): Chris, my family (even though they piss me off), friends that I love as family, my doggie family that I miss wickedly in the US, the Internets, music, $5 CD Mp3 sales on Amazon.com (yes, they do, right now, go see!), a dentist that I'm not afraid to go see, that I can afford health care even though the doctors I see make me want to punch them in the face sometimes, Barack Obama (and please lets hope he appears on this list again next year!), the experience of living in another country and all the things it has opened my eyes to, strawberries, a stable relationship that makes all the instability in my life bearable (I didn't think that was possible, but it is), that I goaded myself into starting this NaBloPoMo thing almost 2 months ago and have kept up with it (I thought for sure I'd bomb out), the ebb and flow of my life and moods--they sure do keep things interesting, sense of humor (both mine and in others), the experiences of this past year--good and bad they are what they are and have helped shape me into the person I am at this moment and I can honestly say even though some days I don't like myself very much, I'm not half bad and I'm a million times happier than I was 10 years ago.

5. Oh, and one more thing! I'm thankful for the handful of people who read my blog. You are all so very brave to check out my odd ramblings and postings every day! *snort* Thank you for being a part of my life and letting me be a part of yours. You are worth more than you know.

Some people should not own pets.

Today was a beautiful, sunny, clear blue sky, early summer kind of day here in New Zealand. After my acupuncture appointment and a late lunch, Chris and I went hunting for a better quality water bottle than the one I'm currently using. The search was for the most part useless because I can't find what I'm looking for here (or anywhere if internet searches are any indication!).

After checking all the stores in the shopping area that might carry something like that, we hopped in the car to head home. As we were driving through the parking lot I noticed a guy closing the door to his car rather awkwardly, trying to make sure the dog inside didn't wiggle its way out. On the walkway above a woman I assume was his wife waved at him to hurry up. So he dashed off to catch up with her before the traffic lights changed so they could cross the street.

Being the dog lover I am, I craned my neck to make sure the windows were cracked several inches (Chris had driven past by then) and couldn't see any open on the driver's side! I looked over at Chris and said "I think that guy just left his dog in the car in this heat with no windows down!" Chris turned the car around to drive back past and sure enough, there were no windows open on the passenger's side either, the little poodle looking dog was barking in protest of being left in the car. "Why would someone do that?" I said...then thought, well, maybe they were just going in to pick up milk or get a coffee at the nearby cafe and would be back within a few minutes. It wouldn't excuse not leaving a window open a few inches, but the dog would be alright if it was for just 5 minutes. At this point we were on the road and headed in the direction of home, but I just couldn't let it go. I felt ill over it and started crying because I was so pissed off. Chris asked me what I thought we could do, since we didn't have any number to call. I said I had no idea, but that it just wasn't right for people to leave their dog locked up in a car with no fresh air. So Chris turned the car around and said "Well, we'll just sit there and watch to make sure they come out really soon." So we parked where the car was in view, but there was no sign of the owners, and by then the dog had been in the car for almost 10 minutes.

In the shopping center there was a pet store so I told Chris to go in and see if a store associate would know what to do or who to call in case they didn't come let the dog out, since IMO 10+ minutes with the sun that strong would heat the car up to a miserable temp, even though it was in a spot with partial shade. Our car felt like an oven when we came out to it earlier and it had only been sitting for maybe 20-30 minutes. Chris went in there and came back out with the number to the local SPCA and said the store associate said we should call and report it, since obviously it was to the point where the car had to be quite hot inside, it was 15 minutes now.

So Chris walked over to the car to make sure that there were indeed no windows open, then called the SPCA and gave them the license plate number and location of the car. They said they'd send someone over right away, but they were unfortunately some distance away in rush hour traffic. 20 minutes passed and the dog was spending most of its time in the lower part of the car and not barking anymore.

At 25 minutes the SPCA officer called Chris' cell phone to let us know that she was still miles away but they had traced the plates and were able to call the owners and they were coming out to let the dog out of the car. The 5 minutes it took for the owner to come strolling out of the store felt like an eternity. He opened the door, then hunted around for a leash for 3-4 minutes before that poor dog was able to get out of the car! Then about a minute later his wife came trotting out, laughing and waving her hand at the guy. Neither one had groceries in their hand. What does that say? They weren't even done shopping after 30 minutes of the dog being in the car!! How much longer would they have strolled around in the nice, air conditioned store while their dog slowly suffocated in the car?

The only thing that kept me from jumping out of the car and screaming at them for their complete lack of consideration for the animal they were fawning over was the knowledge that an SPCA officer had their names, number, knew where they lived, and would be paying them a visit to educate them about what 30 minutes in a car could do to their pet if the day had been any hotter. And BTW, they weren't a young couple either, they had to be in their early 50's I think, so you can't even blame it on them being clueless kids.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?? Dogs are not toys they are living, breathing beings that feel heat and cold just like we do. In fact, they are even more susceptible to the heat because they have a fur coat on 24/7 and don't sweat the same way we do! We had to sit anguishing over whether it was hot enough for the dog to suffocate before someone came to let it out, all the while feeling like a big meanie for calling the SPCA and hoping that they'd learn their lesson today without any harm coming to the innocent animal involved, while the owners went shopping! I'm sure they didn't mean any ill will toward their dog, but if you're going to own a pet you need to be conscious of their needs and understand what is and isn't safe for them.

You'd better believe if that dog had stopped pacing in that car I would have done whatever I had to to get it out. In most states in the US it is illegal to leave your dog in the car for any amount of time, cracked windows or not, and a police officer or Good Samaritan can break your window to get the dog out thanks to animal cruelty laws.

On a hot, sunny day in many areas of the world, 5 minutes is all it takes for a car to heat up above 130 degrees F, and in that climate, 10-15 minutes in a sealed car can suffocate a child or a pet.

Happy Music

Life is a bit...interesting lately. Why is it when you already have a full plate someone comes along trying to add the helping of potato salad that will make your styrofoam plate break in two?? Not cool. But things will all get sorted out in time, right? Let us hope so...

In other news, all my peoples are dealing with shit in their lives that have got them down and in a funk! That's not cool either, even though I understand it's just something we all go through and in time things will come out right. But in the meantime, I say to you, my peoples (and if you're reading this, you're one of my peoples, so listen up), life is a big pile of drama for me too, I feel you, I do, and I wish that I could fix it, but I haven't figured out how to do that yet (my magic wand won't work). So in the meantime, crank up the sound on your computer (or even better-put headphones on) and have a happy song moment with me! No, it doesn't solve all the ills of this world, but music is my drug, the only thing that really takes the edge off for me, and it's all I have to offer you (well, that and an Inbox that is always open for venting). Now, I can't promise this will work for you because I found this song after an hour of hard rock music (my go-to music when I'm not happy) and was in the right place to hear it. But just in case you get a bit of a buzz from dance/trance music, here's a dose!



Watching the original version of that song by Duncan Sheik is worthwhile, the video is comical. The best part of the song? The lyrics. Have a read while you listen to the mix.

"On A High"

I'm on a high, I'm on a high
there's nothing more to it.
We are the sea and the sky
and the blue that runs through it, yeah.

and there are some who say there are so many things I need
so I run or I fight and I crawl or I scream and I bleed
I bleed, I bleed

well, it's a lie it's a lie - don't you believe it.
if you're fine then you're fine - it's all how you see it.
oh, there never will be no conspiracy of happiness.

I'm on a high I'm on a high
and there's nothing more to it
I have the sun, it's a star
why should I refuse it

and there are so many reasons I could give you why I should be down
there's not enough money or time and my love you're not around
around, around

but it's a lie it's a lie - don't you believe it.
if you're fine then you're fine - it's all how you see it.
oh, there never will be no conspiracy of happiness.

you're alive you're alive - how else could you hear me?
you are fine, you are fine - there's nothing worth fearing
'cause there never will be no conspiracy of happiness

I'm on a high, on a high
we are the sea and the sky
I'm on a high, on a high
I'm on a high

It's a lie, It's a lie don't you believe it
'Cause I've tried and I've tried, and I can't really see it
Yeah, I'm trapped inside my conspiracy of happiness
said I was yours, you were mine but I didn't really mean it
and I lied and I lied
and I wish you hadn't seen it
'cause I'm trapped inside my conspiracy of happiness
I'm on a high, on a high, there's nothing more to it, yeah.

I need some tissues...

Ever have a song's lyrics catch you completely off guard? This one did that to me today:


I was just minding my own business, randomly playing music on playlist.com and suddenly I was tearing up! The key is to turn it up with headphones out and not watch the video. Just close your eyes for a bit and soak it in...exactly the way good music should be enjoyed.

If that one doesn't make you feel a bit mushy, try this one:

What? Still dry eyed? Alright, but it's not my fault I had to pull this one out. If you'd just cried at Damien or Sinead you could have been spared this one:


His voice conveyed the rawness that I think is missing in a lot of other covers of that song. I find myself wondering how he'd sound singing that now, 10+ years later, but that's one we'll never know...*shakes head*

It couldn't be all good I guess...

I woke up this morning, checked my email, read a few of the headlines rejoicing over the results of last night's election, and felt that joy and happiness well up inside me again, despite the horrible night of tolling and turning I had thanks to the whole tooth thing.

And then I read the news coming out about the ballot propositions and such proposed in Arizona, Arkansas, California, and Florida....and I've been crying ever since. Not just a little weepy but all out sobbing that unfortunately woke Chris up (I was trying to be quiet so Chris could sleep longer). I just couldn't hold it all in, my heart hurts too much.

Many of the same voters that helped carry Obama to win his bid for the White House last night turned around and voted for their states to legally discriminate against gay couples and in some, cohabiting couples and their ability to adopt/foster children. We certainly can't blame just the "conservatives" for that one, they were helped along by some who voted Democrat last night. And that is breaking my heart. This was not just a matter of semantics about the word "marriage", the propositions and act are broad discrimination on couples that for whatever reason are not within the "traditional bond of marriage", voted for by over half of the population in those states! Clear evidence that we have a long way to go in dispeling the lies that have been poured out by those who hate people different from them.

Now I will acknowledge that there is some good news in various other proposition races across the nation highlighted in that article, and I may talk about them at some point in the future, but today? Today I'm going to mourn the passing of the 4 mentioned above, because I think the movement deserves that. Last night showed us change can happen, and I DO believe that one day we WILL overcome this. But today I still find myself asking, when will our country be more than 'equality for some'?

Election Day!!

It's finally here, Election Day. 2 years in the making, eh? Seems like this race has gone on forever, and yet suddenly we find ourselves at the end of it.

It's exciting and scary all at the same time. I love this 'standing on the edge of something, about ready to jump and yet reluctant to take that one last step that will plunge you into midair' kind of feeling. I've had it before in key moments of my life and I truly feel that this is a key moment for our nation. Tomorrow we will make history. We will either have the first African American President, or the first woman Vice-President. Readers of this blog know all too well which one I'd prefer to see happen when the votes are counted, but even though I have my preferences, I fervently wish that everyone gets out and takes advantage of their right to vote.

As I picked up the laptop to hurry up and type this post before midnight, Chris joked "Oh I know what you're going to write, some patriotic, "get out and vote" post, aren't you?!" . Well yes Chris, that's exactly what I'm writing. I've said this all before, but I can't resist saying it one more time because I sense this is going to be the "big" vote of our generation. In 20 years will I be telling the story about this election and my vote in it as a way to encourage a future niece or nephew (or my own child) to be politically active and vote? Part of me thinks it's possible.

This election year has brought the American people a different experience from what we've had in the past. Unfortunately, we've seen a Senator who I used to have great respect for, throw all he said he stood for out the window and take a gamble on a VP choice just to try and sway the female, conservative vote, which to me is one of the most disgusting displays of sexism I've seen in a long time. But on the other end of the spectrum, we've seen a candidate who everyone thought was the underdog in this race create a grassroots campaign style that inspired many to give of their time and wallet in order to propel him closer and closer to the White House.

I don't know what Obama will be able to accomplish as POTUS, I don't expect everything he promised in his campaign to come true. His ideals have given so many of us what we needed most--hope. Hope that things can be better than they've been for the last 8 years. Hope that we really can do something to bring our country out of its downward spiral. Hope that running a semi-clean campaign could actually be a success. Hope that we as individuals really DO have the power to change the world.

Tonight I sit here with that hope. In the back of my mind I remember 4 years ago, how crushed I was when the results came in, how despondent I was, how much I feared for our country and what the next 4 years would be like. Looking at it honestly I can say some of my fears really did come true, and I grieve the things that our country has lost. But I choose to silence my inner doubter tonight and instead take a moment to let that hope and excitement flow through me.

We are here, we have worked hard, and I believe that if everyone gets out and votes, no matter how long the lines are or how frustrating the crowds are, we will see the fruits of our labor as the vote counts come in. We can win this race and set a new course for the next 4 years, YES WE CAN!

I VOTED TODAY!!

Today I exercised my right to vote, half a world away from my country. Granted, the process I went through to cast that vote was not a quick one. But in the end, that's okay, because there is only one thing that truly matters in any of that. This:

For the first time in my life I've been not just "okay" with a candidate, but inspired. No, I don't think the man is the Messiah or anything, but the two of them and the administration they bring with them will hopefully bring some much needed change to the current status quo in the White House.

So today I voted for CHANGE. I voted for all the women who deserve to have rights to their own bodies. I voted for the children our education system is failing. I voted for the struggling parents that can't even afford to have health insurance for their children. I voted for the men and women in our armed forces that deserve to have someone in office that won't be sending them into a war for less than honest reasons. I voted for healing those international relationships that have been so damaged in these last 8 years. I voted for diplomacy before use of force. I voted for those less fortunate than me because I believe that when even one of us is oppressed, we all are. I voted for equality regardless of gender. I voted in hopes that equality in other areas will one day lead to the equality all of us in the gay community wait for. I voted because our country can be so much better than it is right now. I voted for more reasons than I can list in this space.

I voted for OBAMA and BIDEN.

My day was....eh.

WHAT THE FUCK? Blogger is so dumb ass I swear. I typed that title and then hit "enter" instead of "tab" and what did the stupid thing do?? SUBMIT THE POST! *falls over* I guess it decided that was going to be the permanent title of today's blog post and although I could delete it so it would disappear and no one would know, I'm not gonna do it, because this is just another example of what a winner day I've had!

Ever had one of those days that volley back and forth between bad and good so you can't really label it either one? Yeah, that was today. Lemme see if I can break it down for ya!

BAD: Stayed up 'til 4 am listening to playlist.com and typing a blog post because Chris was finishing up some computer work and really, any excuse to listen to more music is good with me, even though I KNEW 4 am was a bad idea because it will knock me off for days sleep-wise.

GOOD: Tomorrow is my 5th acupuncture/chinese medicine treatment (I've been at it for 4 weeks total now) and things seem to be working because I started my period today! I know, TMI for some, but I'm not one of those prim women who never speak of such things, so eh. 3 years ago periods would have definitely been in the "bad" category, but since I've only had an non-medically induced period twice in the past 2 years, that's a pretty big fucking deal and since the acupuncture treats pain and such, no "shoot me now I'll give you all the money I have" endometriosis cramps, shocking, eh? And hopefully this means my ovaries haven't given up on ever working again. I may not ever use them for baby making, but god is life hell when they aren't working properly.

GOOD: I talked to my brother on the phone today, he makes me laugh, that boy is so full of shit.

BAD: I talked to my brother today, he doesn't know when to shut up, wouldn't listen when I said I wasn't talking politics with him, and at one point was talking so loud that I could hold the phone 2 feet away from me and still hear him. When he started yelling at me about being a baby killer I'd had more than I could take and handed the phone to Chris because I had to get ready to go to a doctor's appointment and the ranting made me cry (which REALLY pissed me off). Why can't people respect other's boundaries?

BAD: The doctor was almost 45 minutes behind schedule.

GOOD: My GP has the best sense of humor, so we always have good chats and he's good natured about being joked on for running late (he's always running late). We've decided I seem to be holding my own with all the health drama.

BAD: My monthly blood work came back with my iron lower, again. It drops every month since the last infusion. I even started eating red meat again 6 weeks ago to try and boost up the levels since doctors are stubborn and don't get that nothing I eat is going to fix this. So, before we leave NZ in January I'll probably be looking at another 8 hour infusion at the hospital to top up my levels again. YAY! The stain from when the IV infiltrated last time is pretty much faded away...hopefully it won't do that this time.

GOOD: We're going to tweak the meds the Rheumatologist put me on to try and restore the rhythm of my sleep cycle. It's working at the really low dose, but not as much as they want, so we'll go up a tiny bit, starting tonight, so that'll remedy the 4 am rebound shit. I have to get to bed by midnight though. *sighs*

BAD: My blood pressure was still up from that bloody phone call with my brother! The doctor laughed and said he knew I must have been really agitated about something since it's never high any other time. Siblings are a joy, aren't they?

BAD: Drivers on the road acting stupid and trying to get into an accident.

GOOD: Went to the veggie shop and loaded up on all the pretty spring produce!! I know, it's strange, but fresh food makes me happy.

BAD: We ate dinner out because I had no energy after the appointment and errands. But the food was GOOD, so I guess it's a draw? LOL

BAD: When we got home I opened my Inbox and there were non-happy things in there that reminded me way too much of the earlier conversation with my brother, as well as other conversations like it, which made me upset, and since the girlie hormones are doing their thing in my blood, I ended up in tears again!

GOOD: More music, LOUD music, to help the thoughts in my head flow better. Rock music helps when I'm angsty.

BAD: I have to address the emails at some point, but to be honest I just don't know where to begin anymore. I'm so tired of this. So. Damn. Tired.

OH YEAH, and if one more person tells me that pro-choice = pro-abortion, or insinuates that pro-choice means I'm a happy baby killer, I might physically harm them (and I'm not sure I'd label that one BAD either... ;-P)

So depending on how I tally things up, it comes out to BAD: 8-9 GOOD:6-8

Yeah, like I said to begin with, the day was....EH!

Thank You

Thank you Jason Linkins for noting a particularly moving part of Powell's interview on Meet the Press. Before you read the rest of this blog post, please follow the link to that post.

Thank you Colin Powell for saying what needed to be said, and what many of us have been trying to say for a long time.

Thank you Specialist Kareem Rashad Sultan Khan, for being so passionate about serving your country, and for giving your life to fight in the Army while some of your fellow countrymen cannot bring themselves to see you as their brother.

And to Elsheba Khan, I am so sorry for the loss of your son's life as he proudly served a country where some of the "leaders" and your fellow citizens say "Arab", "Islam" and "Muslim" like they are dirty, hate filled words. Please know that there are many among you who believe you have as much right to your religious beliefs as the rest of us do, who mourn the loss of lives in Iraq no matter what race, religion, nationality, or "side" they are on, and who fight the racial/religious profiling and stereotyping of people within our borders.

---

To those who may be tempted to make some snarky comment about this post, say what you will, but let me just clarify something for you. I personally am proud of our men and women in uniform and support them wholeheartedly. It IS possible to support our troops and yet not support the war. My heart breaks for every family who have had their loved one deployed for months at a time, 2, 3, 4 times in a row, just as it breaks for those whose loved ones come home in a box, and those in Iraq who lose loved ones every day that the media forgets about. As a Democrat I do believe there is a time and a place for the use of our military, I just believe in this case the government got it wrong and a lot of people have paid the ultimate price for it.

I post things like this because unfortunately there are too many people in this country who seem to forget that our military is happy to enlist you, regardless of your race, religion, gender, and often even your sexual orientation. Muslims, Jews, Buddhists, Wiccans, Atheists, Agnostics, Christians, and Pagans (as well as numerous other religions) serve side by side every day. Caucasians, Indians, African Americans, Hispanics, Asians, and yes, even Arabs (as well as other ethnicities), give of their time in service to our country, and some their very lives. Immigrants are enlisted to fight in our armed forces when they don't yet have the right to even vote for their Commander in Chief!

Seems to me it's high time we learned to embrace each other, celebrate the things we have in common, enjoy our differences, put an end to discrimination, and treat one another as equals, no matter what faith, skin color, ethnic background, gender, or sexual orientation we have.

What It's Like

I can't get over the "woman's life" air-quotes bull shit from last night's debate. To me, it was a glaring example of what I feel a lot of people in this world lack, UNDERSTANDING and COMPASSION.

For the last two weeks this song has been playing through my mind every day. Every day. I remember when it came out vividly because I was still a "pro-life, anti-abortion Christian". However, I was deeply struggling with the things that I'd been taught were "absolutely wrong", like homosexuality, sex before marriage, and abortion. I listened to the lyrics in this song and they really, really got to me. For an instant I was that girl, being ambushed by protesters while trying to get to the clinic, agonising over the choice I was left to make by the "man" who helped me get into this situation. Then I thought about a woman that was raped and how she would feel, pregnant with the child of her attacker. Or a young girl barely past puberty, her womb violated and impregnated by her father, uncle, the guy next door.

In putting on their shoes and walking for a minute, it all became so clear. What right to we have to judge that which most of us will never have to go through? What right do we have to take away their rights to their bodies? If it were me, would I want people to make that choice for me? NO.

And there you have it, the shift....that moment when the earth shifts beneath you and you know without a doubt that your perspective has been forever altered and you can't go back to the way you were before.

I sincerely wish people would take a moment to step outside their comfort zone and put on the shoes of another in a situation much different than the one they live in. Then maybe, just maybe they could imagine what it's like.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

Check out this post on Gawker. The guy whose post they are referring to has removed the posts he made on politicalbyline.com swearing that he didn't mean any harm to Obama with creating that picture. Oh really? Does he really want us to think he is so stupid that he didn't realise the things he was hinting at by putting the picture of Obama next to a noose? He also posted it at sayanything.com but the moderator removed it and wrote a response that I have to admit just doesn't do it for me. The original post is preserved here at Washington Scandal.

When will people get that two wrongs don't make a right? I'm so sick of the tit for tat game being played by people on both sides of this issue. One hates Obama, one hates Palin, and they go back and forth, each becoming more depraved in their behaviours. Someone has to be the bigger man and put a stop to it.

How about this people! If one doesn't like the graphics being posted or rants being written about Palin (or any other political figure), then address it in a sane, rational manner. Talk about the reasons you feel they are in the wrong for expressing their opinions in such ways. Address the errors you see in their thinking. Attempt constructive dialogue. Refute the things you don't agree with in your own blog. Talk about the issues you have with other politicians that you don't care for. Scream, rant, yell, throw a fit if need be. But creating a picture to post to a blog like the one mentioned that insinuates Obama needs to meet up with a noose is not the answer, because in that moment you become far worse than the people you are pointing your finger at.

We need to remember that no matter how frustrated we are, or how convinced we are that the other side is wrong and blind to their own flaws, we are still dealing with human beings. Not "that one", but an actual person with thoughts, feelings, beliefs, experiences, and reasons they have for holding the opinions they do. You can vehemently disagree with someone and still treat them like a human being. Don't you get it? This is why dehumanising your opponent is so dangerous, because it then makes it oh so easy to treat them as the dirt beneath your feet.

I don't endorse racism, I think it's disgusting and it deeply offends me. I see images like that and it makes me cry in anger, hurt, and frustration because my mind cannot comprehend the hate that one must possess to act that way toward another person. I don't believe we have to turn a blind eye and let those actions go unnoticed and unchallenged. However, I'll be damned if the actions of someone like that cause me to act in a way that is untrue to myself and my ideals.

So, sorry angry racist guy, but I won't be creating a picture with your face next to the noose because while you may think that is the right way to deal with someone who has offended you, I do not, and even though at times I rant and rave and throw a fit over the actions of others I deeply disagree with, I will not allow disgust for you to turn me into your mirror image.

Many thanks to the several blogs I read that made note of this blog post so the rest of us could speak out against it.

Let It Be

Yesterday and today have been crazy as hell and I've got nothing to write tonight. Well, that's not entirely true, I have plenty I could write about, but to be honest, after reading news and updates and watching video of a person who is obviously full of hate, I'm just too damn weary of it all to get anything worthwhile out. I guess you could say my soul is vexed.

So I'm going to play my favorite music with hope it'll relax me enough to eventually sleep...and leave you with this video to ponder.



It's going to be alright...it has to be, because there are still a shit load of people out there who give a fuck and are not hate filled bigots.

Connecticut

The last few days have found me thinking of Connecticut. Not because I used to live there, I've never set foot in the state. Not because I know someone who lives there, because, well, I don't. And not because I have some particular need to visit there either, to be honest it's never been on my list of places to visit.

Connecticut is on my mind because last week they overturned a ban on same-sex marriages. In doing so they've become the third state to allow same sex couples to marry, the others being Massachusetts and California. Reading about the ruling was a bright spot in my week, but was quickly tempered with the concern I've had while reading news like this coming out of California. On Nov. 4th they will vote on Proposition 8, an amendment to the state Constitution that would outlaw gay marriage.

As a woman whose sexuality and choice of life partner have been repeatedly discriminated against by 'family', 'friends', and the world I grew up in, this issue hits really close to home. Once again I find myself asking the same question I always do. Why? Why is love between consenting adults so threatening to people? I cannot understand it. Even when I was younger and trying to play the role of the good little conservative Christian girl, I never understood why gay people were seen as so bad. But boy did living in that environment do a number on me as I got older and realised not only was I seen as inferior because I was a woman, but that I had....preferences that others around me didn't, and I had no clue how to deal with them.

And that's another thing....how is it that the same people that vote Republican because they think the government is too involved in things and scream if their guns or businesses are affected in any way, are the same ones that want the government to ban things like abortion, homosexuality, and books/media galore? Seems like the two contradict themselves.

I don't get it people, I just don't get it. With all the hate, anger, war, and human atrocities in this world, don't we all need to encourage as much love as possible?? Why legislate deliberate discrimination borne out of hate?

I had a point to this blog post when I started, but my brain has become so fried with the 'why' question that I can't make sense of anything I've written in the last 30 minutes. So instead I'll leave my ramblings as is and end with this:



Visit noonprop8.com for more information on how you can help with either your time or donations.

2 down, 2 to go!

I'm still trying to recover the brain cells I lost listening to Palin's ramblings that have nothing to do with the questions directed at her. Why the hell is it so hard to stay on point? I know the answer to that question, I mean, it's difficult to answer a question you don't have a canned response for, but really, WTF!?!

Her hairstyle amused me, had to let that hair down to seem even more the little woman next to the big, bad, Biden (plus it's easier to hide an ear piece that way). And the winking? Good god people, a candidate for VP winking at the audience repeatedly while spouting off folksy talk, cute little jabs, and why oh why do we have yet another person who cannot say NUCLEAR?? In all that debate practice could they not correct her on that?

Biden did as good as could be expected, in fact he did better than I thought he would. I'm proud of him, that practicing sure paid off. I mean, he did sigh a lot and laugh a few times, but can you blame the man? How frustrating must it be to have to debate with a person who several months ago hadn't a thought in her head about running as VP? I'm surprised he didn't totally lose his temper at some point and crush her for that "you're an idiot" voice she kept using over and over and over again with her condescending attitude! If he had spoken to her in the same way she was speaking to him, the media and the Republican party would have thrown a huge fit! But she can play the gender card, so gets away with whatever the hell she wants.

I hate that the moderator didn't push to get a straight answer out of her. But I guess that's not her fault really, her hands were tied thanks to McSame's whine-fest of the last few days over her book, as if he just now found out about it. *eyes rolling*

The scariest thing about the whole evening is that I know people who will come away from it with a glowing opinion of Palin because they aren't current enough with the facts to see through the lies upon lies she spouts off on a regular basis. Since after all, she said it on national TV, so it must be right....right?

When will people wake up and realise that we've already tried the "elect someone like your pal next door" approach and we got 8 bloody (literally) years of DUBBYA! Do we really want more of the same? I don't want someone in office like the soccer mom next door, I want some one who has spent a good part of their life in politics/law/community service. Someone who is smarter than me, more educated politically than me, who can pronounce the names of world leaders correctly, and who can say NEW-CLEAR instead of NU-CU-LUR!! I want someone who is calm, deliberate, open-minded, who doesn't foam at the mouth with the thought of going to war, who doesn't see all Muslims as the enemy, and who believes that we all deserve jobs with living wages, affordable health care, the right to decide what to do with our own bodies, and accessible education at all levels for EVERYBODY, not just the ones who have parents that can afford it!

I know, I know, I'm showing my idealistic tendencies, but I don't believe those things are so far out of our reach that we cannot attain them. They will be though if we keep electing power hungry idiots to the White House.