It's a Brand New Day

Today is a brand new day. We stayed up all night to watch the inauguration. We soaked in the beautiful music played by classical music greats. We chuckled over the stumble over the oath. I teared up over the inaugural speech. We all watched history in the making today. I am so proud.

"America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations." -President Barack Obama

Today we celebrate our nation and the new page it has turned! Tomorrow, we get to work.

Oh the things my mind wonders...

What makes some struggle with so much and still stick their chins out and keep going no matter how hard they get knocked down, while for others one small thing makes them fall to pieces and never try to get up again?

A blog post DinerGirl (you should read her blog, she has a way with words and her posts are shorter than mine!) wrote recently made that question (and others) spring up yet again in my mind. It's a question I mull over all the time and have talked about at length with many friends, we still don't have any firm conclusions. But I wonder do the things we go through have something to do with it?

I think of some of my close friends and wonder what the hell it is that keeps them going, no matter how many punches they take in this world.

P., who struggles with bipolar disorder (a diagnosis that took far too long and whom misdiagnoses and mistreatment almost killed), and yet is bravely fighting through those early twenties years, trying to conquer the things that do their best to knock her down. I see myself in her every time we talk. I remember how bad those years were for me and I'm trying desperately to be for her what I needed so much and no one would be for me. She'll make it through this period in her life and I can't even imagine the places she'll go.

J., who fights with anxiety and depression that try to choke the life out of her. A childhood that gave her many of the same issues I myself deal with, an ex who could have been the death of her, and two beautiful girls she's trying to raise in the midst of it all who she worries every day will grow up to struggle with the same things that haunt her. She juggles a million things everyday and yet bit by bit is getting closer to making a stable life for herself and her girls.

S., whose life experiences should be a best selling book. One minutes you'd be laughing and the next crying your heart out over the things she's been through. And yet, she is one of the most compassionate people I know. She'd give you the shirt off of her back and her shoes too if she thought you needed them. On top of the clinical depression she lives with every day, she has a teenage son who is going through his own psychological complexities that take more out of her than most people would be willing to go through for their children. Says a lot, doesn't it? She's tried to check out of this world several times but somehow never succeeded, and now stays in it so that she can be the advocate her son needs.

M., who I swear is my twin lost at birth. The two of us living in the same city would probably be more than any town could take. Quirkiness feeds off quirkiness and multiplies I think. It's okay though, we'd never get anywhere because we'd lose the car keys we're so absent-minded and distracted! She deals with much of the same health issues I do and time after time swears off dealing with useless doctors who are too busy chatting with drug reps to give us the time of day. And yet she tries again eventually, because she wants to not just make it through the day, but be well. She can make me laugh 'til my stomach aches. That's priceless.

And Chris. Chris....well, we're married and best friends, that should tell you everything.

And there are others... Every person I've mentioned above inspires some part of my life (including you DG) and I am thankful for them every day. They've come into my life in the oddest ways (most I met online!) and it seems to me that I collect them, these people that I can see elements of myself in, who resonate with something in me. And they keep on coming. I'm still surprised when it happens and yet I'm not, because I decided years ago to bring into my life people who help me be my true self instead of who they think I should be.

But what keeps them going? What makes them hit what seems like rock bottom repeatedly and they lay there for a minute, take a deep breath, and start hauling themselves up again? They have every right to stay down for the count and say they're done trying and yet they don't. And how do I know that? Because they are still living and breathing and creating beauty in their lives. They are still reaching their hands out to others who seem to be drowning and offering a semi-normal conversation, or a smile, or a soothing word. They help me breathe when the anxieties and obsessive thoughts that crowd my brain and restrict my life get the best of me. They give me the love, compassion, understanding, grace, and support that I can give everyone else but myself. I guess they give me what I try to give them.

Where does that come from, when others I know--who have been through far less--use the things they deal with to justify the hate they spread and the pain they inflict on others?

I still don't have any answers to those questions, but I think the ability to hope and to self analyse have something to do with it.

Thanksgiving

I've been trying to write a blog post about Thanksgiving for the last hour and it's just not working. Nothing goes together, some of it sounds cheesy, some cynical and sarcastic, some highly pessimistic, and the majority of it--downright blah. So instead of a coherent post, all you're gonna get is random things scattered all over the place and squished together. Sort of how a dinner plate looks on Thanksgiving now that I think about it. *snort*

1. I wonder what Native Americans think about Thanksgiving? Having some Native blood myself (as do a good portion of Americans) I can't help but think about how on the one hand Native Americans saved the starving asses of people who landed on their shore and then were killed and stripped of their land by others who followed after once America started to look attractive to their pockets.

2. Isn't it kind of funny how the whole nation that was participating in the "What I'm thankful for..." lovefest the day before, suddenly transform into a rabid, psychotic crowd that push, shove, and if need be, fight their way through crowds of shoppers to get a good deal on that toy Tommy has to have for Christmas or the big screen TV they've been drooling after? Those crowds are mean! Let's hope no one gets hurt this year.

3. Have you ever noticed how incredibly reluctant everyone is to go home for the holidays...and yet they go home for the holidays!?! What is this ritualistic torture we all put ourselves through every year? I mean, I'm thankful for my family even though they really drive me nuts sometimes, but some people's families get into knock down, drag out fights at Thanksgiving dinner, and yet they still do it every year! This is yet another reason why I think we are a nation full of masochists. Do you think the puritanical roots of the early settlers have anything to do with it? Mixed in with all that Catholic guilt from the later droves of immigrants (think Irish and Hispanic). Yeah. We have guilt issues.

4. I'm thankful for a shitload of things that I can't even put into words. I could try, but I'll forget something and then feel guilty about it! Damn it, there goes that guilt again, see what I mean about guilt issues? Fine, to override my worry over guilt, I'll list some of the things that I'm thankful for anyway! In no particular order (because if I try and order it this will never get listed): Chris, my family (even though they piss me off), friends that I love as family, my doggie family that I miss wickedly in the US, the Internets, music, $5 CD Mp3 sales on Amazon.com (yes, they do, right now, go see!), a dentist that I'm not afraid to go see, that I can afford health care even though the doctors I see make me want to punch them in the face sometimes, Barack Obama (and please lets hope he appears on this list again next year!), the experience of living in another country and all the things it has opened my eyes to, strawberries, a stable relationship that makes all the instability in my life bearable (I didn't think that was possible, but it is), that I goaded myself into starting this NaBloPoMo thing almost 2 months ago and have kept up with it (I thought for sure I'd bomb out), the ebb and flow of my life and moods--they sure do keep things interesting, sense of humor (both mine and in others), the experiences of this past year--good and bad they are what they are and have helped shape me into the person I am at this moment and I can honestly say even though some days I don't like myself very much, I'm not half bad and I'm a million times happier than I was 10 years ago.

5. Oh, and one more thing! I'm thankful for the handful of people who read my blog. You are all so very brave to check out my odd ramblings and postings every day! *snort* Thank you for being a part of my life and letting me be a part of yours. You are worth more than you know.

What is it to you?

Please, watch this, then tell me, what is it to you?

You can read the full text of this clip here.

It couldn't be all good I guess...

I woke up this morning, checked my email, read a few of the headlines rejoicing over the results of last night's election, and felt that joy and happiness well up inside me again, despite the horrible night of tolling and turning I had thanks to the whole tooth thing.

And then I read the news coming out about the ballot propositions and such proposed in Arizona, Arkansas, California, and Florida....and I've been crying ever since. Not just a little weepy but all out sobbing that unfortunately woke Chris up (I was trying to be quiet so Chris could sleep longer). I just couldn't hold it all in, my heart hurts too much.

Many of the same voters that helped carry Obama to win his bid for the White House last night turned around and voted for their states to legally discriminate against gay couples and in some, cohabiting couples and their ability to adopt/foster children. We certainly can't blame just the "conservatives" for that one, they were helped along by some who voted Democrat last night. And that is breaking my heart. This was not just a matter of semantics about the word "marriage", the propositions and act are broad discrimination on couples that for whatever reason are not within the "traditional bond of marriage", voted for by over half of the population in those states! Clear evidence that we have a long way to go in dispeling the lies that have been poured out by those who hate people different from them.

Now I will acknowledge that there is some good news in various other proposition races across the nation highlighted in that article, and I may talk about them at some point in the future, but today? Today I'm going to mourn the passing of the 4 mentioned above, because I think the movement deserves that. Last night showed us change can happen, and I DO believe that one day we WILL overcome this. But today I still find myself asking, when will our country be more than 'equality for some'?

California isn't the only one...

While reading yet another blog entry about Prop 8 I followed a link that led to an article in USA Today that reminded me of something I'd totally forgot-- Florida and Arizona also have proposed state Constitutional Amendments on the ballot to permit statewide discrimination on those not engaged in a "traditional marriage" (whatever that is *eyes rolling*), and Arkansas has a proposed Adoption Ban!

Floridians will be voting on Proposition 2, an amendment that states "Inasmuch as a marriage is the legal union of only one man and one woman as husband and wife, no other legal union that is treated as marriage or the substantial equivalent thereof shall be valid or recognized." Many are concerned that the wording of this amendment if passed would impact all cohabiting couples regardless of sexual orientation, including many seniors.

Arizonans will be voting on Proposition 102, an amendment that states "Only a union of one man and one woman shall be valid or recognized as a marriage in this state."

Californians will be voting on Proposition 8, an amendment that states "Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California"

Last but certainly not least, Arkansas has a state statue (Act 1) proposed that will ban individuals cohabiting outside of a valid marriage from adopting a child or providing foster care! This is not targeted only at homosexual couples, but at anyone not married and living with someone! Way to go Arkansas, you already have a horrifying record as far as your state's Child Welfare Agency is concerned, but now you want to ban people who may have stable homes, finances, and relationships but aren't married? Fuck you.

So please, if you live in Florida, Arizona, California, or Arkansas, vote NO to state legislated discrimination!

And if you're not in one of those states, that's okay, we can all still do something. Blog, donate money, talk to anyone you know in those states who does have the power to vote against them. There is (thankfully) a lot out there about Prop 8 in California, but I've read almost nothing about the other states and today was the first I read about Act 1 in Arkansas!

Let's hope that the record turn out of voters this year will support equal rights for everyone. We all deserve equality and the freedom to marry whom we chose and create a family.

Connecticut

The last few days have found me thinking of Connecticut. Not because I used to live there, I've never set foot in the state. Not because I know someone who lives there, because, well, I don't. And not because I have some particular need to visit there either, to be honest it's never been on my list of places to visit.

Connecticut is on my mind because last week they overturned a ban on same-sex marriages. In doing so they've become the third state to allow same sex couples to marry, the others being Massachusetts and California. Reading about the ruling was a bright spot in my week, but was quickly tempered with the concern I've had while reading news like this coming out of California. On Nov. 4th they will vote on Proposition 8, an amendment to the state Constitution that would outlaw gay marriage.

As a woman whose sexuality and choice of life partner have been repeatedly discriminated against by 'family', 'friends', and the world I grew up in, this issue hits really close to home. Once again I find myself asking the same question I always do. Why? Why is love between consenting adults so threatening to people? I cannot understand it. Even when I was younger and trying to play the role of the good little conservative Christian girl, I never understood why gay people were seen as so bad. But boy did living in that environment do a number on me as I got older and realised not only was I seen as inferior because I was a woman, but that I had....preferences that others around me didn't, and I had no clue how to deal with them.

And that's another thing....how is it that the same people that vote Republican because they think the government is too involved in things and scream if their guns or businesses are affected in any way, are the same ones that want the government to ban things like abortion, homosexuality, and books/media galore? Seems like the two contradict themselves.

I don't get it people, I just don't get it. With all the hate, anger, war, and human atrocities in this world, don't we all need to encourage as much love as possible?? Why legislate deliberate discrimination borne out of hate?

I had a point to this blog post when I started, but my brain has become so fried with the 'why' question that I can't make sense of anything I've written in the last 30 minutes. So instead I'll leave my ramblings as is and end with this:



Visit noonprop8.com for more information on how you can help with either your time or donations.

I ran away from home!

After reading my last post I realised I forgot the "life-wise" part! *snort*

Life is not bad. Busy, random, too slow and WAY too fast all at the same time. My life is good all things considered.

I did run away from home last week, which turned into one entertaining trip. Well, to be more specific Chris and I BOTH ran away from Auckland, in hopes of enjoying the sunshine that decided to grace us with it's presence after the 2 weeks of gray hell. I guess it had been on vacation too. *wink*

We left the computer/internet at home and went to Coromandel....and stayed in Coromandel Town. Now I really should have known from the name that it might be one of those "exists just for tourists" towns, but I read about the history of the town and so figured it wouldn't be too bad, right?

Wrong! Granted, we got a good deal at the place we stayed, but the town? Can I just say that $27 for a main dish at an average place anywhere in NZ outside of Auckland is absolutely ridiculous. Seriously, they should rethink their prices. How do "locals" afford to eat there? There were a few cafes with a bit better prices, but still pretty much Auckland prices... The grocery store was a little 4Square with prices higher than what I pay here, but I expected that as well. After having an interesting dinner at the fish and chips shop that charged a price I'd have never paid for a chicken burger had I any other food choice, we ended up picking up brown rice, broccoli, and a lentil dhal at the 4Square to cook in our room for dinner, kicked back on the bed, and enjoyed the movie channel. I think that was the first time we've watched TV in months.

When we set out for Coromandel Town we didn't know exactly what to expect having never been there, but we did know we wanted to make a day trip of Wednesday to see the other side of the peninsula. We arrived Tuesday night and came back to Auckland on Thursday, so that really only gave us the one day to explore, plus, rain was in the forecast for Thursday night and Friday, not the best driving/exploring conditions, so that helped to keep our trip really short. Unfortunately, when we wet out on Wednesday to follow the road through the mountains, we ran into a problem--a "Road Closed" sign to be exact! After a quick moment consulting the map we saw there was one more route to the other side, a bit longer than the first, but still not too bad. So we turned around and sought out the other road over the mountains. Just when we thought it would be smooth sailing we ran into a big construction crew that was stopping traffic because one side of the road was closed, so the other side (one lane mind you) had to be used for traffic in both directions (something I've noticed in NZ a lot). Seeing the long line of traffic waiting to be let through and not knowing how long the construction would last for, I looked at Chris and said "I think this is a sign we're meant to stay at the motel and chill for the day. There will be no going over the mountains!" And that's how we ended up in our room for the afternoon/evening.

In the end nothing went to plan, and I got annoyed, but then reminded myself that we were being spontaneous, plans often never go by the book, and that's okay, there's no one here to yell at me for it. Chris and I both help each other laugh it off. It's good. Living with Chris helps me feel less like I have to obsess and manage every little thing all the time. Old habits die hard, but they are dying, and I feel a little less weighed down by the day. I have to remember my "wabi-sabi" mantra!

But something tells me this is just a shadow of things to come if we plan a trip to the South Island. Not to mention Chris says the roads are even scarier down there, and I thought that driving on sea and mountain roads without a foot of road for a shoulder was scary enough!

Relationships...

"An honorable human relationship---that is, one in which two people have the right to use the word 'love'---is a process, delicate, violent, often terrifying to both persons involved, a process of refining the truths they can tell each other.

It is important to do this because it breaks down human self-delusion and isolation.

It is important to do this because in so doing we do justice to our own complexity.

It is important to do this because we can count on so few people to go that hard way with us."

-Adrienne Rich