Desiderata

Desiderata

by Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

I ran away from home!

After reading my last post I realised I forgot the "life-wise" part! *snort*

Life is not bad. Busy, random, too slow and WAY too fast all at the same time. My life is good all things considered.

I did run away from home last week, which turned into one entertaining trip. Well, to be more specific Chris and I BOTH ran away from Auckland, in hopes of enjoying the sunshine that decided to grace us with it's presence after the 2 weeks of gray hell. I guess it had been on vacation too. *wink*

We left the computer/internet at home and went to Coromandel....and stayed in Coromandel Town. Now I really should have known from the name that it might be one of those "exists just for tourists" towns, but I read about the history of the town and so figured it wouldn't be too bad, right?

Wrong! Granted, we got a good deal at the place we stayed, but the town? Can I just say that $27 for a main dish at an average place anywhere in NZ outside of Auckland is absolutely ridiculous. Seriously, they should rethink their prices. How do "locals" afford to eat there? There were a few cafes with a bit better prices, but still pretty much Auckland prices... The grocery store was a little 4Square with prices higher than what I pay here, but I expected that as well. After having an interesting dinner at the fish and chips shop that charged a price I'd have never paid for a chicken burger had I any other food choice, we ended up picking up brown rice, broccoli, and a lentil dhal at the 4Square to cook in our room for dinner, kicked back on the bed, and enjoyed the movie channel. I think that was the first time we've watched TV in months.

When we set out for Coromandel Town we didn't know exactly what to expect having never been there, but we did know we wanted to make a day trip of Wednesday to see the other side of the peninsula. We arrived Tuesday night and came back to Auckland on Thursday, so that really only gave us the one day to explore, plus, rain was in the forecast for Thursday night and Friday, not the best driving/exploring conditions, so that helped to keep our trip really short. Unfortunately, when we wet out on Wednesday to follow the road through the mountains, we ran into a problem--a "Road Closed" sign to be exact! After a quick moment consulting the map we saw there was one more route to the other side, a bit longer than the first, but still not too bad. So we turned around and sought out the other road over the mountains. Just when we thought it would be smooth sailing we ran into a big construction crew that was stopping traffic because one side of the road was closed, so the other side (one lane mind you) had to be used for traffic in both directions (something I've noticed in NZ a lot). Seeing the long line of traffic waiting to be let through and not knowing how long the construction would last for, I looked at Chris and said "I think this is a sign we're meant to stay at the motel and chill for the day. There will be no going over the mountains!" And that's how we ended up in our room for the afternoon/evening.

In the end nothing went to plan, and I got annoyed, but then reminded myself that we were being spontaneous, plans often never go by the book, and that's okay, there's no one here to yell at me for it. Chris and I both help each other laugh it off. It's good. Living with Chris helps me feel less like I have to obsess and manage every little thing all the time. Old habits die hard, but they are dying, and I feel a little less weighed down by the day. I have to remember my "wabi-sabi" mantra!

But something tells me this is just a shadow of things to come if we plan a trip to the South Island. Not to mention Chris says the roads are even scarier down there, and I thought that driving on sea and mountain roads without a foot of road for a shoulder was scary enough!

How a perfectionist came to know wabi-sabi

I'm a perfectionist. I think I inherited it from my mother. Looking back I can see it in her frustration at not being able to keep a spotless house with 3 children running around all day, in her agitation at not being on time for something, in the way she would purse her lips and sigh when walking into my bedroom (aka "the disaster area"). Somehow it infected me at a young age, I remember coloring a picture as a child and being so mad with myself when I colored outside the lines that I would immediately flip to another page in the coloring book and start again. If only perfection were as easy to obtain as we get older...but it isn't. The constant pursuit of said perfection in this world is a recipe for insanity and in my teens it was something that made large portions of my life a living hell. I felt the need to control everything, because without control over something I couldn't make it perfect, and if it couldn't be perfect then what was the point in fucking with it to begin with?

Clearly something had to change, but how? I went through the rest of my teens still trying to make everything do exactly what I wanted, and panicking over everything that didn't fall neatly into place. I think my Christian background didn't help the matter any. I felt like I had to keep track of every wrong so I could ask forgiveness for it, keep a close watch on everything I did and said, and felt the weight not only of my own imperfections but the imperfections of everyone around me. Sure, I was told that it was okay to be imperfect because only Jesus could be a perfect human, but it all just felt so wrong to me.

Right before I turned 21 the world I was trying to juggle fell apart. I'm not going to repeat it here, but it was big, scary, and the effects of those months shoved me into a deep depression, worse than any I had dealt with before. Coming out of it was long and hard and along with the perfectionistic streak still whipping my ass I got the bonus of panic attacks! Such fun! And yet, during that time I felt something struggling to be left behind--the religion I was raised in. Through studying different religions and in specific the goddess traditions in paganism I learned something that Christianity failed to teach me. That this world is of our own creation. Within us all is divinity and we each day create the lives we live. They are not always ideal, they are not all a bed of roses, there are struggles we all face, but at the end of the day they are what they are, and there is completeness in them. I realised for the first time that it was okay to not have an absolute answer for everything, some things can only be known in time, and some things will in all honesty elude us for a lifetime. I learned a lot of other things, but that will come in later posts I'm sure.

While studying Japanese concepts I first learned about wabi-sabi, but it didn't sink in fully until about a year later. I was talking with Chris (the one I'm married to now) and had said something I can't recall now and Chris's response to it was something about how wabi-sabi my outlook was. Intrigued I looked into it further and the changes in my perfectionism finally clicked. One of the most valuable things I had learned was to appreciate the beauty in everything around me and that "imperfections" are often the very thing that make something so beautiful. Think of all the beauty we'd miss if everything was flawless. Beauty is fleeting, everchanging, and rarely ever perfect in the eyes of everyone, and that's okay. And in that new concept of beauty I was able to finally breathe, relax, and take a step back from the obessive pursuit of perfectionism.

Yes, there are still days when I obsess because the bathroom is a mess, the laundry pile I just folded has fallen over and I haven't gotten to everything on my to-do list. But then sparkling sunlight playing off a flower just past its "prime"catches my eye and everything pauses around me as I grab the camera to capture the perfect wabi-sabi moment happening right before my eyes.