That old melancholy feeling.

Tonight we booked one-way tickets to the US. In 5 weeks we'll be saying goodbye to New Zealand and starting anew somewhere in the States.

I know I should be ecstatic about it, but I'm not. All I feel is this deep sense of melancholy. We've been planning to leave NZ since before I even moved here, but now the plans are so permanent and I find myself asking "Why are we moving?". I know all the logical reasons why, I just can't seem to give a shit about them anymore. Who leaves a place that makes them happy for the unknown that could bring them misery? Apparently we do. What the fuck is up with that?

Okay, I'll admit it...I'm scared. Not just a little, I mean I am completely overwhelmed by this huge fear that is sitting squarely on my chest. I think it's having a lovely chat with the neurotic panic and paranoia currently circling 'round in my mind. The two of them are having quite the party with my sanity (what little I have).

I suppose the fact that I've been sick since New Year's with some "tummy bug" (as named by the urgent care doc I saw) that seems more like a tummy gila monster is not really helping the matter any. I haven't been able to take most of my medication so I'm feeling really grand at the moment if you catch my drift.

I have an ENTIRE FLAT FULL OF SHIT to sort, sell off, or pack and ship, but instead of doing that I'm sitting here with this "deer caught in the headlights" dazed look on my face, in between the bouts of hysterical tears.

I've been trying to find my happy place, but I think it's on vacation indefinitely. Probably sunning itself on the same tropical beach as my sanity. Bastards.

My day was....eh.

WHAT THE FUCK? Blogger is so dumb ass I swear. I typed that title and then hit "enter" instead of "tab" and what did the stupid thing do?? SUBMIT THE POST! *falls over* I guess it decided that was going to be the permanent title of today's blog post and although I could delete it so it would disappear and no one would know, I'm not gonna do it, because this is just another example of what a winner day I've had!

Ever had one of those days that volley back and forth between bad and good so you can't really label it either one? Yeah, that was today. Lemme see if I can break it down for ya!

BAD: Stayed up 'til 4 am listening to playlist.com and typing a blog post because Chris was finishing up some computer work and really, any excuse to listen to more music is good with me, even though I KNEW 4 am was a bad idea because it will knock me off for days sleep-wise.

GOOD: Tomorrow is my 5th acupuncture/chinese medicine treatment (I've been at it for 4 weeks total now) and things seem to be working because I started my period today! I know, TMI for some, but I'm not one of those prim women who never speak of such things, so eh. 3 years ago periods would have definitely been in the "bad" category, but since I've only had an non-medically induced period twice in the past 2 years, that's a pretty big fucking deal and since the acupuncture treats pain and such, no "shoot me now I'll give you all the money I have" endometriosis cramps, shocking, eh? And hopefully this means my ovaries haven't given up on ever working again. I may not ever use them for baby making, but god is life hell when they aren't working properly.

GOOD: I talked to my brother on the phone today, he makes me laugh, that boy is so full of shit.

BAD: I talked to my brother today, he doesn't know when to shut up, wouldn't listen when I said I wasn't talking politics with him, and at one point was talking so loud that I could hold the phone 2 feet away from me and still hear him. When he started yelling at me about being a baby killer I'd had more than I could take and handed the phone to Chris because I had to get ready to go to a doctor's appointment and the ranting made me cry (which REALLY pissed me off). Why can't people respect other's boundaries?

BAD: The doctor was almost 45 minutes behind schedule.

GOOD: My GP has the best sense of humor, so we always have good chats and he's good natured about being joked on for running late (he's always running late). We've decided I seem to be holding my own with all the health drama.

BAD: My monthly blood work came back with my iron lower, again. It drops every month since the last infusion. I even started eating red meat again 6 weeks ago to try and boost up the levels since doctors are stubborn and don't get that nothing I eat is going to fix this. So, before we leave NZ in January I'll probably be looking at another 8 hour infusion at the hospital to top up my levels again. YAY! The stain from when the IV infiltrated last time is pretty much faded away...hopefully it won't do that this time.

GOOD: We're going to tweak the meds the Rheumatologist put me on to try and restore the rhythm of my sleep cycle. It's working at the really low dose, but not as much as they want, so we'll go up a tiny bit, starting tonight, so that'll remedy the 4 am rebound shit. I have to get to bed by midnight though. *sighs*

BAD: My blood pressure was still up from that bloody phone call with my brother! The doctor laughed and said he knew I must have been really agitated about something since it's never high any other time. Siblings are a joy, aren't they?

BAD: Drivers on the road acting stupid and trying to get into an accident.

GOOD: Went to the veggie shop and loaded up on all the pretty spring produce!! I know, it's strange, but fresh food makes me happy.

BAD: We ate dinner out because I had no energy after the appointment and errands. But the food was GOOD, so I guess it's a draw? LOL

BAD: When we got home I opened my Inbox and there were non-happy things in there that reminded me way too much of the earlier conversation with my brother, as well as other conversations like it, which made me upset, and since the girlie hormones are doing their thing in my blood, I ended up in tears again!

GOOD: More music, LOUD music, to help the thoughts in my head flow better. Rock music helps when I'm angsty.

BAD: I have to address the emails at some point, but to be honest I just don't know where to begin anymore. I'm so tired of this. So. Damn. Tired.

OH YEAH, and if one more person tells me that pro-choice = pro-abortion, or insinuates that pro-choice means I'm a happy baby killer, I might physically harm them (and I'm not sure I'd label that one BAD either... ;-P)

So depending on how I tally things up, it comes out to BAD: 8-9 GOOD:6-8

Yeah, like I said to begin with, the day was....EH!

Odds and Ends

I woke up to news of Colin Powell endorsing Obama so that was a nice boost to my morning! I don't think it makes this an ace to win, but I'm glad he had the balls to join others of his party in making an endorsement for Obama, and his added commentary on the McCain campaign's turn for the worse was needed IMO. I think Powell has witnessed the same thing the rest of us have, a man we used to have respect for turn into someone who will do anything to get his way...it's sad.

In other news. I broke Chris' favorite bowl this morning while washing dishes, along with a huge glass mixing bowl and small rice dish. They were nested one inside the other and I knocked over the whole stack while trying to move them from one spot to the other. The whole mess crashed into the floor at my feet, I'm actually really lucky I didn't end up with my foot sliced open since they were quite big pieces of glass (thick bowls). I am SUCH a fucking klutz I swear. So I shrieked as I dropped them, then burst into tears and started cussing hysterically, which caused Chris to come running from the back of the flat to make sure I was okay. Of course I felt SOOO horrible because Chris' favorite bowl was handmade by the pottery club here in thanks for Chris doing some computer work for them, so it's irreplaceable. =/ Being the calm, sane, zen-like person in the house, Chris asked if I was okay, and when I instead kept rambling on about how sorry I was, said "Ah well, these things happen." then proceeded to help me pick up the mess (and ultimately banned me from touching it because a shard cut the back of my finger). Where do calm people like this come from and how the hell did I end up with one??

Oh, and I'm ridiculously addicted to playlist.com since the New Zealand music download scene is SO shitty that they don't have any music subscription service and I refuse to pay iTunes NZ almost $2 per song because I think they are screwing NZlanders over just because they can. So fuck you iTunes, I'll just stay tied to the damn computer to hear my music! Between that and the price of CDs here (well over $20 for most music) I'm just going to keep on with my no new music buying strike here. I MIGHT give in and buy some CDs done by indie NZ artists before we move, but other than that, nope!

Alexander and Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Oh yes, it's been one of those days...wish fixing it were as easy as moving to Australia!

Chris has never heard of that book! What a deprived childhood;-P I loved it as a child and think of it every time I have a shit day. Today I tried reciting the book to Chris since parts of it are programmed in my head from my days as a pre-school teacher, laugh all you want to, I do one mean reading of Cat in the Hat! But alas I couldn't remember it all. Never fear, YouTube is here! Who would have thought to look there for children's books? Craziness. I checked out a few readings and found this one, which isn't what most people would call child friendly, but watching the first few minutes of it made me laugh and reminded me of something entirely different, a Mad TV spoof of Jackass.

But my favorite Mad TV clip is this one, it NEVER fails to make me laugh!



"I'm sick of The Man giving me the finger! Well here's your finger, BIATCH!! Take a picture!"

Guess he got poked in the tummy one too many times, can't say I blame him. LOL!!

Ahhh...after all that laughing I can almost forget the kind of day I had.

And I just realised tomorrow is the next presidential debate! Town Hall style. This should be interesting. Will we see McCain blow his top live on national TV?? One has to wonder...

Foreign Body

Two days ago Chris and I were roaming through a store when I came upon a clearance rack with a sweater I thought would fit. Finding clothes here that fit me and look alright is a rarity, and winter clothes even more so, and so I picked it up. They had 3 sizes near my size so I figured I should try on what I thought was the right size, just in case the cut was a bit narrow in the chest.

Once in the dressing room I took off my sweater and t-shirt and turned to take the sweater off the hanger, and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Now, our house only has 2 mirrors, a tiny one big enough to see your face in in the bathroom, and a full length one that is in the "stuff" room that isn't easily gotten to, so I rarely see my whole body in the mirror.

As my eye caught my reflection I gasped, looked away, then looked back in a double take. I couldn't believe what I was seeing, it took my breath away for a moment. It was like I didn't even recognise the body that my head was attached to. This was not the body that I came to New Zealand with at all. Since being here I went through a phase where I gained over 50 lbs in the course of about 4 months, thanks in part to a lovely issue known as PCOS. As if gaining the weight wasn't enough, it also prevents you from getting it back off, at least, until you find a doctor willing to meet you halfway. I do my part. I eat well, cut back on grains, have an elliptical machine that I get on as often as I can (except for when I'm banned from it by the doctor because my arthritis is being a bitch), but in the end I can only do so much and when I can't find a doctor who will read the latest studies and work with me to get this thing under control, well, I'm fucked.

So I'm left with this...foreign body. It is. It's foreign. This is not me. I don't recognise it. I work so hard to nourish and care for my body and this is what I get? Why?

After regaining my breath I tried to smile at myself in the mirror, say "I love you, it's okay, we'll find help soon.", and pull the sweater over my head. It was a bit too small. While I used to have to buy clothes to fit my bust because it was the biggest part of my upper body, now I buy to fit the massive tire situated around a "beer belly" situated around my waist. It's not fair to have a beer belly when I don't drink beer.

I got dressed quickly, grabbed the next size up, and got out of the store. Don't get me wrong, I love me, but I feel like I'm living inside a foreign country, and I'm not talking about New Zealand.

If it’s not one thing it’s another...

When my health started to go straight to hell in the past year Chris and I were pleasantly surprised to find that the traveler's insurance I have refunded the thousands of dollars in doctors fees that quickly built up. It was a load off our shoulders, especially when remembering the mass drama I had to deal with in the US with certain insurers that are crap and refused to cover anything...

A load off until today.

Unbeknownst to me the policy now has a "26 week Benefit Clause" that basically states that any disablement is covered for a maximum of 26 weeks, after which no further payments will be paid out for treatment. By disablement they apparently mean anything from a massive heart attack to a cold. (I'm pretty sure this is a new clause since my last renewal.)

This was pointed out to me when I requested preapproval for the surgery I need to have to deal with the abnormal lining of my moody uterus. According to the customer service rep my coverage period for "that condition" ends May 23rd! The earliest available date for the surgery? Either May 26th or (more likely) June 6th. I can't just be randomly worked into the doctor's surgery schedule because my lovely latex allergy requires that I be the first in the OR...and the doctor doesn't do surgeries every day. Far as I can tell there is probably one surgery date between now and the 23rd....and it was booked up last time he checked.

So unless I work some sort of magic the lining will stay where it is...and we get to cross our fingers and hope it doesn't turn cancerous before we get somewhere where I'm covered for surgery and can have it biopsied and removed.

No wonder I'm up listening to Breaking Benjamin at 3 am!

I can't believe I thought that I was getting a reprieve from being shafted by medical insurance companies! *snort* Stupid me.

So here Mr Insurance Company, let me lean over a bit more so you can get a better angle while you fuck me in the ass! Oh yeah, that's it....right there.