That old melancholy feeling.

Tonight we booked one-way tickets to the US. In 5 weeks we'll be saying goodbye to New Zealand and starting anew somewhere in the States.

I know I should be ecstatic about it, but I'm not. All I feel is this deep sense of melancholy. We've been planning to leave NZ since before I even moved here, but now the plans are so permanent and I find myself asking "Why are we moving?". I know all the logical reasons why, I just can't seem to give a shit about them anymore. Who leaves a place that makes them happy for the unknown that could bring them misery? Apparently we do. What the fuck is up with that?

Okay, I'll admit it...I'm scared. Not just a little, I mean I am completely overwhelmed by this huge fear that is sitting squarely on my chest. I think it's having a lovely chat with the neurotic panic and paranoia currently circling 'round in my mind. The two of them are having quite the party with my sanity (what little I have).

I suppose the fact that I've been sick since New Year's with some "tummy bug" (as named by the urgent care doc I saw) that seems more like a tummy gila monster is not really helping the matter any. I haven't been able to take most of my medication so I'm feeling really grand at the moment if you catch my drift.

I have an ENTIRE FLAT FULL OF SHIT to sort, sell off, or pack and ship, but instead of doing that I'm sitting here with this "deer caught in the headlights" dazed look on my face, in between the bouts of hysterical tears.

I've been trying to find my happy place, but I think it's on vacation indefinitely. Probably sunning itself on the same tropical beach as my sanity. Bastards.

On and on and on...

On Dentists--I have the most kickass dentist in the world. That's high praise coming from a major dental-phobe. I have more to say about him and the wonderful office he and his brother run, but for now, this will have to do. I've had 2 teeth pulled by him in the last week, both which were broken for various reasons. Most would opt to have them surgically removed since often trying to pull them causes the whole tooth to break, in which case they have to then go surgical and cut it out with some of the bone. But he was up for trying to get them out without all that and in the end they came out without breaking because the man has skills and is so damn patient!

Granted, I could feel some of the pulling today, fuck did that hurt! But it's not his fault they can't deaden the nerve there. The main nerve that gives sensation to the lip/chin area on that side of my jaw runs close to the root area of my back teeth, which can make numbing up a challenge, and since I already have problems with local anesthetic wearing off too fast or not working at all, that doesn't help matters. He did get it numbed better than anyone else ever has though, so kudos to the man!

I'm looking into ways to clone him (along with my Rheumatologist) so I can take them to the US with me 'cause I've never had such great care before. Usually I cry over having to go see the dentist, and now I'm going to end up crying over having to leave this dentist! What is the world coming to?

On week 2 of mushy foods--I miss my fresh, crunchy fruits and veggies, and I miss chewing food! LOL

On NaNoWriMo--Anyone else notice that a goal turns into a convenient whip in the hands of an obsessive perfectionist?? I am so guilty of that, and it's gotta stop. I've over the last few years been able to temper my inclinations towards things like that pretty well, but obviously I have more work to do in that area.

So I'm taking the wisdom on the topic that Jackie said in response to my last blog post and reminding myself that in the same way I've learned to give myself grace about other things, I need to be all zen-like about this as well. If I hit 50,000, WOO HOO!! If I don't, well, I still have more than when I began. One needs to enjoy the journey and release our attachment to the finish line, right? That doesn't mean we never reach any of our goals because we don't strive for them. Not at all. It just means remembering that the journey is just as important (if not more so) than meeting the goal we've set, and that as long as we've learned things and gained new experiences along the way, it's still a win, even if we don't reach our goal the first time around.

That said, I'm still going to try my damnedest to reach it! I wrote a shitload last night, so my count is a bit over 11,000 right now, but a lot of that is very "stream of consciousness" and random. I think it'll help give me topics on which to expound on at a later time this month, so it's all good!

Keep up the good work all my NaNo writers out there!!

Another string to my bow.

Last week I went to see my Rheumatologist for what I thought was a flare up of my arthritis. The last 2-3 months have been particularly bad, and I figured the cold winter weather paired with the rain just didn't sit well with my body, so my joints were flaring up and the fatigue came back. Even daily session with the elliptical machine couldn't keep the ache at bay, although it does help with the stiffness a bit!

Well, I was right, I'm in the middle of a flare up, but not from the arthritis. After a chat and some questions, pushing on all the spots that make me jump, and making me feel like produce battered around by a thoughtless cashier, the Rheumatologist explained his suspicions.

The pain I'm having is not from the arthritis. The "joint" pain is really pain from the muscles surrounding the joints, which is why different ones are aching then do when my arthritis is truly being temperamental. The deep muscle pain that I have in various points in my body including pretty much my whole back, neck, shoulder, and chest area, along with the weird sleep problems, cognitive issues, and increasing fatigue I've been having paint a distinct, non-arthritis picture.

What's up? His his opinion I have fibromyalgia. The particular odd sleep patterns are common in patients with Fibromyalgia Syndrome (FMS). Apparently most people don't wake up 4-5 times in a "good" night and 8-9 times in a "restless" night of sleep! I wouldn't know. I've had that problem since I was a teenager, along with the intermittent insomnia that keeps me up for days, muscles that always ache no matter how long or short an activity is, and a whole host of other things. The rain just seemed to intensify things, and the stress I've been under and the whiplash injury earlier this year probably added to it. I knew he'd been pressing certain points along my body to gauge my pain response, and while some have eased up, others are even worse. The ones that have eased are joint specific and probably are from the arthritis, where as the others according to a chart I came across are specific for fibromyalgia. I guess he'd been suspecting it for a while but wanted to make sure the pain wasn't from the arthritis, anemia, or Vitamin D deficiency I've been dealing with. All of those are responding to treatment well, so we're left with....this. To be honest I had a sneaking suspicion I'd hear that diagnosis at some point, I just didn't think it would come in addition to arthritis! *snort*

We've decided to keep my arthritis meds as they are because they obviously are working well, my joints aren't swollen, there's no heat in them and no pain if we take away the muscle pain. In addition we're going to try an extremely low dose of a medication to try and help my sleep cycle. Not a sleeping pill, the GP tried to give me those and I decided not to take them because I thought they'd make things worse. The Rheumatologist said sleeping pills are the wrong thing for this type of sleep problem, I'd end up addicted to them and still not feel better because they disrupt the natural sleep cycle, which I already have going on without are pharmaceutical help! Hopefully this other medication will work. I've been taking a tiny dose for a week now and will double that tonight to what will hopefully be the "maintenance dose". The theory is the medication will help my body relax like it should in the evening, and help me sleep a bit deeper so I'm less likely to wake up with every little thing. When that happens hopefully my muscles won't spend every night on full alert, and that will in turn impact my pain level and fatigue level without major pain medications! So *crosses fingers* it better work damn it!!

Part of me is frustrated to have yet another thing to deal with, but in truth I've been dealing with it all along, it just has a name now. With a name I can assure my body that I hear what it's trying to tell me, and I can learn about it and find ways to improve the matter! So I'm thankful really. After all the bullshit I put up with in other areas of the medical profession, at least I have one kick ass Rheumatologist!!

Foreign Body

Two days ago Chris and I were roaming through a store when I came upon a clearance rack with a sweater I thought would fit. Finding clothes here that fit me and look alright is a rarity, and winter clothes even more so, and so I picked it up. They had 3 sizes near my size so I figured I should try on what I thought was the right size, just in case the cut was a bit narrow in the chest.

Once in the dressing room I took off my sweater and t-shirt and turned to take the sweater off the hanger, and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Now, our house only has 2 mirrors, a tiny one big enough to see your face in in the bathroom, and a full length one that is in the "stuff" room that isn't easily gotten to, so I rarely see my whole body in the mirror.

As my eye caught my reflection I gasped, looked away, then looked back in a double take. I couldn't believe what I was seeing, it took my breath away for a moment. It was like I didn't even recognise the body that my head was attached to. This was not the body that I came to New Zealand with at all. Since being here I went through a phase where I gained over 50 lbs in the course of about 4 months, thanks in part to a lovely issue known as PCOS. As if gaining the weight wasn't enough, it also prevents you from getting it back off, at least, until you find a doctor willing to meet you halfway. I do my part. I eat well, cut back on grains, have an elliptical machine that I get on as often as I can (except for when I'm banned from it by the doctor because my arthritis is being a bitch), but in the end I can only do so much and when I can't find a doctor who will read the latest studies and work with me to get this thing under control, well, I'm fucked.

So I'm left with this...foreign body. It is. It's foreign. This is not me. I don't recognise it. I work so hard to nourish and care for my body and this is what I get? Why?

After regaining my breath I tried to smile at myself in the mirror, say "I love you, it's okay, we'll find help soon.", and pull the sweater over my head. It was a bit too small. While I used to have to buy clothes to fit my bust because it was the biggest part of my upper body, now I buy to fit the massive tire situated around a "beer belly" situated around my waist. It's not fair to have a beer belly when I don't drink beer.

I got dressed quickly, grabbed the next size up, and got out of the store. Don't get me wrong, I love me, but I feel like I'm living inside a foreign country, and I'm not talking about New Zealand.

I'm a bad, bad blogger...

Yes, I am. I'm neglectful of my blog. In my defense though, I think of things to post here all the time, I just never actually get it typed! Sad excuse, I know...

Really, this blog is me trying to keep track of all the odd things I get up to health-wise and life-wise. So, how about an update?

Health-wise: Doctors suck. Insurance companies suck more. After deliberating over the "pay out of pocket to play Russian Roulette with the Endocrinologists listed in the phone book" I've decided maybe my best bet is to save my money and go see the "Holy Grail" of doctors when I get back to the US. Granted, that'll be a while from now, but hey, if the medical community as a whole can ignore my problems and keep playing pass the buck, I suppose I can keep coping with it on my own for a little while longer and save myself the humiliation, frustration, and about $360 per doctor's visit! *big grin*

So, I've decided to monitor my blood sugars at home, especially post meal. I know my fasting glucose is never in the "bad" range, but the more reading I've done, the more I've learned that the current "medical guidelines" are missing tons of women with diabetes because while their fasting glucose is normal, their post meal glucose levels are too high, so damage is already being done to their body and they don't know it. We really have something wrong in our medical system when something like 50% of people diagnosed with diabetes will be diagnosed with a diabetic neuropathy at the same time they get the big "D" diagnosis. That means they've had it for years and it's been slowly destroying their body while their doctors have being saying all is well.

I refuse to be that woman. PCOS and it's lovely weight gain puts me at a high risk, family history at an even higher risk, and a previous Glucose Tolerance Test that had me sitting on the edge of "prediabetes" means that odds are with no treatment I'll be diabetic within the next 6-10 years. Except, we don't know how long I've been this way, and if I've had these things since I was 19-20 (which is what I'm quite sure of) at 26 I'm getting rather close to that 10 year mark. Too close for comfort. Now, the elliptical machine in my living room paired with my already healthy eating habits carb and portion wise are fighting back that risk, but with my hormonal profile the way it is nothing is going to help this as much as the medical treatment I need that everyone is too busy twiddling their thumbs to provide.

I should clarify that I'm not bitter, just tired, and frustrated. Both for myself, and others I know of who are getting shafted by the medical system. In the last month I've heard of a friend whose 2 yr old baby died due to gross medical negligence, and another friend whose uncle was diagnosed with terminal cancer, thanks to a doctor who didn't take anything seriously and let his illness to get much worse without proper treatment.

I'm not dead, or dying (at least not today, far as I know) so I think I have an obligation to throw a fit for those that can't anymore. Something has to change. I don't know how I'll change it, but I'll figure something out.

Day 17

17 days into this no gluten thing and although I have to get rather creative with food, I think it's worth it. Yesterday I unfortunately ended up eating some real (with gluten) bread and it was just...eh. My stomach was surprisingly not impressed, I didn't expect it to hurt from eating bread. Remember, I don't have Celiac's or anything, so I didn't figure I'd have any problem eating it if I had to (and I had to yesterday, long story...). So I don't know what that means, I'm guessing it may have been unhappy with the combination of food I ate, but either way, this requires further thought.

In other news I decided to try taking a digestive enzyme supplement again. This one is totally different than the others that I've taken (and have made me ill). In addition, I'm taking a pre/probiotic with a pretty impressive composition, so I'm very happy with it too. I got them in the mail today so I've been taking them and things have been pretty peaceful, a nice change from yesterday and last night!

I made mexican food tonight and found the best rice recipe ever... http://www.recipezaar.com/117892 It is soooo good. Reminds me of the type I used to eat in restaurants before moving to "The Land of No Good Mexican Food" (well, except for the one place some Americans moved here and started, but it's more Cali-Mex).

Day 10

As of today I've been gluten free for 10 days, and I have to say it's been going pretty good! Most days I haven't had the bloated tummy feeling I was getting after eating bread or pasta, my body feels a bit more in balance, and my head feels a bit clearer.

Now, I think that is probably because with most grains gone my food choices have been easier to balance protein/carb wise, but it could be because of not eating the grains themselves. I have an endocrine problem which causes me to be pretty much pre-diabetic. As a result I have to be careful about the balance of food I eat to prevent my blood sugar from spiking. No, I don't have to monitor my blood sugar or anything, but I know trying to keep my eating habits close to those of a diabetic will help keep me from developing diabetes in the future.

Anyway, the food in general has been really good! Since I eat a lot of fruits and veggies I have plenty of variety in my diet. I have to make more effort to cook these days, but that's a good thing IMO. Grain foods are convenient, we throw something on two pieces of bread and call it a sandwich so we can eat and go back to what we were doing, but I think that often we can do better. I've been eating a bit of rice, as well as some rice crackers (I've always loved them). I decided that quiona is just not for me, at least not in it's whole form, too crunchy. The texture is what I imagine caviar must be like to eat. Blech. But, I'm going to try cooking with the quinoa flakes I found at some point.

Tonight, I had my first taste of gluten free bread. Chris found out that a local burger place offers gluten free buns for their burgers, so I got one with grilled chicken, pear, caramelised onions, and brie (along with other burger toppings). Soooo good! The bun was interesting. The parts that had become damp from the tomato relish were almost a mealy texture, not doughy like you'd find with regular bread. It had that almost stale texture too, but I expected that since I've had baked goods that use "alternative" flours before. All it all it was really good though. I'd eat it again. And I'm glad I got to try it and appreciate what that restaurant is doing for the gluten free community around here. Offering diverse food choices that cater to food allergies is a great thing. They even took the time to point out on their menu that their fries are not gluten free (though I think most gluten free eaters would assume that!).

Mixing it up in the kitchen...

My body once again hates the food I eat. So what's a girl to do?

Go gluten free for a while.

"Gluten free!" you gasp. Yes, gluten free. Bye bye wheat and all your little gluten filled buddies, for several weeks I'm cutting you out!

"But why?" you ask. Simple. Something I've been eating on a daily basis is making the natives VERY restless, and that's just no way to live! Now I love bread and pasta as much as the next person (and maybe a little more considering my vegan years) but no food is worth feeling miserable all the time. And what good is any food when it can't stay in my body long enough for me to absorb any nutrients from it? None. So, I've got to figure out what's going on. And how many foods to we really eat consistently every day? For me, not that many. I eat as wide a variety of foods as I can. The only sure things in my daily diet are bread of some form, oatmeal, peanut butter, odds are some form of dairy, and whatever fruits and veggies cross my path.

Since the only tried and true way to figure out food intolerances is by some form of rotation diet, that's what I'm doing. It's always worked before. Either one food I'm eating isn't right for me anymore, or a combination of them together is causing the upset (sometimes this is found with dairy and grain together). My solution therefore is to go 3-4 weeks without gluten or oats. That gives me enough time to see if it makes any difference. During that time I'll eat some form of dairy every day. If I'm still noticing problems every day then I'll cut out the dairy and peanut butter. By then things should be calm. If not then I can only assume there is something more complex going on with my digestive system in general, and I'll suck it up and go talk to the doctor.

I should also point out that I have an autoimmune disorder (some arthritis like thing) that is flaring at the moment, so could be influencing this whole drama. However, when trying to find the source of my long standing iron deficiency anemia (still a bit of a mystery) the doctor tested me for Celiac's disease and the blood work came back negative. So I'm pretty sure I'm not having an autoimmune response to gluten at the moment. But the blood test can't tell you anything about intolerances (since they occur in different ways) so the only way to figure it out is to cut it out of my diet entirely for a while.

Should be fun I think! I'm always up for a challenge in the kitchen. After working in food service for years I've picked up some skills and am a pretty decent cook if I do say so myself. So I say bring it on...lets see how creative I can get with this! Life is too short to eat bad food (or food that hates you)!

If it’s not one thing it’s another...

When my health started to go straight to hell in the past year Chris and I were pleasantly surprised to find that the traveler's insurance I have refunded the thousands of dollars in doctors fees that quickly built up. It was a load off our shoulders, especially when remembering the mass drama I had to deal with in the US with certain insurers that are crap and refused to cover anything...

A load off until today.

Unbeknownst to me the policy now has a "26 week Benefit Clause" that basically states that any disablement is covered for a maximum of 26 weeks, after which no further payments will be paid out for treatment. By disablement they apparently mean anything from a massive heart attack to a cold. (I'm pretty sure this is a new clause since my last renewal.)

This was pointed out to me when I requested preapproval for the surgery I need to have to deal with the abnormal lining of my moody uterus. According to the customer service rep my coverage period for "that condition" ends May 23rd! The earliest available date for the surgery? Either May 26th or (more likely) June 6th. I can't just be randomly worked into the doctor's surgery schedule because my lovely latex allergy requires that I be the first in the OR...and the doctor doesn't do surgeries every day. Far as I can tell there is probably one surgery date between now and the 23rd....and it was booked up last time he checked.

So unless I work some sort of magic the lining will stay where it is...and we get to cross our fingers and hope it doesn't turn cancerous before we get somewhere where I'm covered for surgery and can have it biopsied and removed.

No wonder I'm up listening to Breaking Benjamin at 3 am!

I can't believe I thought that I was getting a reprieve from being shafted by medical insurance companies! *snort* Stupid me.

So here Mr Insurance Company, let me lean over a bit more so you can get a better angle while you fuck me in the ass! Oh yeah, that's it....right there.