Foreign Body

Two days ago Chris and I were roaming through a store when I came upon a clearance rack with a sweater I thought would fit. Finding clothes here that fit me and look alright is a rarity, and winter clothes even more so, and so I picked it up. They had 3 sizes near my size so I figured I should try on what I thought was the right size, just in case the cut was a bit narrow in the chest.

Once in the dressing room I took off my sweater and t-shirt and turned to take the sweater off the hanger, and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Now, our house only has 2 mirrors, a tiny one big enough to see your face in in the bathroom, and a full length one that is in the "stuff" room that isn't easily gotten to, so I rarely see my whole body in the mirror.

As my eye caught my reflection I gasped, looked away, then looked back in a double take. I couldn't believe what I was seeing, it took my breath away for a moment. It was like I didn't even recognise the body that my head was attached to. This was not the body that I came to New Zealand with at all. Since being here I went through a phase where I gained over 50 lbs in the course of about 4 months, thanks in part to a lovely issue known as PCOS. As if gaining the weight wasn't enough, it also prevents you from getting it back off, at least, until you find a doctor willing to meet you halfway. I do my part. I eat well, cut back on grains, have an elliptical machine that I get on as often as I can (except for when I'm banned from it by the doctor because my arthritis is being a bitch), but in the end I can only do so much and when I can't find a doctor who will read the latest studies and work with me to get this thing under control, well, I'm fucked.

So I'm left with this...foreign body. It is. It's foreign. This is not me. I don't recognise it. I work so hard to nourish and care for my body and this is what I get? Why?

After regaining my breath I tried to smile at myself in the mirror, say "I love you, it's okay, we'll find help soon.", and pull the sweater over my head. It was a bit too small. While I used to have to buy clothes to fit my bust because it was the biggest part of my upper body, now I buy to fit the massive tire situated around a "beer belly" situated around my waist. It's not fair to have a beer belly when I don't drink beer.

I got dressed quickly, grabbed the next size up, and got out of the store. Don't get me wrong, I love me, but I feel like I'm living inside a foreign country, and I'm not talking about New Zealand.