My day was....eh.

WHAT THE FUCK? Blogger is so dumb ass I swear. I typed that title and then hit "enter" instead of "tab" and what did the stupid thing do?? SUBMIT THE POST! *falls over* I guess it decided that was going to be the permanent title of today's blog post and although I could delete it so it would disappear and no one would know, I'm not gonna do it, because this is just another example of what a winner day I've had!

Ever had one of those days that volley back and forth between bad and good so you can't really label it either one? Yeah, that was today. Lemme see if I can break it down for ya!

BAD: Stayed up 'til 4 am listening to playlist.com and typing a blog post because Chris was finishing up some computer work and really, any excuse to listen to more music is good with me, even though I KNEW 4 am was a bad idea because it will knock me off for days sleep-wise.

GOOD: Tomorrow is my 5th acupuncture/chinese medicine treatment (I've been at it for 4 weeks total now) and things seem to be working because I started my period today! I know, TMI for some, but I'm not one of those prim women who never speak of such things, so eh. 3 years ago periods would have definitely been in the "bad" category, but since I've only had an non-medically induced period twice in the past 2 years, that's a pretty big fucking deal and since the acupuncture treats pain and such, no "shoot me now I'll give you all the money I have" endometriosis cramps, shocking, eh? And hopefully this means my ovaries haven't given up on ever working again. I may not ever use them for baby making, but god is life hell when they aren't working properly.

GOOD: I talked to my brother on the phone today, he makes me laugh, that boy is so full of shit.

BAD: I talked to my brother today, he doesn't know when to shut up, wouldn't listen when I said I wasn't talking politics with him, and at one point was talking so loud that I could hold the phone 2 feet away from me and still hear him. When he started yelling at me about being a baby killer I'd had more than I could take and handed the phone to Chris because I had to get ready to go to a doctor's appointment and the ranting made me cry (which REALLY pissed me off). Why can't people respect other's boundaries?

BAD: The doctor was almost 45 minutes behind schedule.

GOOD: My GP has the best sense of humor, so we always have good chats and he's good natured about being joked on for running late (he's always running late). We've decided I seem to be holding my own with all the health drama.

BAD: My monthly blood work came back with my iron lower, again. It drops every month since the last infusion. I even started eating red meat again 6 weeks ago to try and boost up the levels since doctors are stubborn and don't get that nothing I eat is going to fix this. So, before we leave NZ in January I'll probably be looking at another 8 hour infusion at the hospital to top up my levels again. YAY! The stain from when the IV infiltrated last time is pretty much faded away...hopefully it won't do that this time.

GOOD: We're going to tweak the meds the Rheumatologist put me on to try and restore the rhythm of my sleep cycle. It's working at the really low dose, but not as much as they want, so we'll go up a tiny bit, starting tonight, so that'll remedy the 4 am rebound shit. I have to get to bed by midnight though. *sighs*

BAD: My blood pressure was still up from that bloody phone call with my brother! The doctor laughed and said he knew I must have been really agitated about something since it's never high any other time. Siblings are a joy, aren't they?

BAD: Drivers on the road acting stupid and trying to get into an accident.

GOOD: Went to the veggie shop and loaded up on all the pretty spring produce!! I know, it's strange, but fresh food makes me happy.

BAD: We ate dinner out because I had no energy after the appointment and errands. But the food was GOOD, so I guess it's a draw? LOL

BAD: When we got home I opened my Inbox and there were non-happy things in there that reminded me way too much of the earlier conversation with my brother, as well as other conversations like it, which made me upset, and since the girlie hormones are doing their thing in my blood, I ended up in tears again!

GOOD: More music, LOUD music, to help the thoughts in my head flow better. Rock music helps when I'm angsty.

BAD: I have to address the emails at some point, but to be honest I just don't know where to begin anymore. I'm so tired of this. So. Damn. Tired.

OH YEAH, and if one more person tells me that pro-choice = pro-abortion, or insinuates that pro-choice means I'm a happy baby killer, I might physically harm them (and I'm not sure I'd label that one BAD either... ;-P)

So depending on how I tally things up, it comes out to BAD: 8-9 GOOD:6-8

Yeah, like I said to begin with, the day was....EH!

Another string to my bow.

Last week I went to see my Rheumatologist for what I thought was a flare up of my arthritis. The last 2-3 months have been particularly bad, and I figured the cold winter weather paired with the rain just didn't sit well with my body, so my joints were flaring up and the fatigue came back. Even daily session with the elliptical machine couldn't keep the ache at bay, although it does help with the stiffness a bit!

Well, I was right, I'm in the middle of a flare up, but not from the arthritis. After a chat and some questions, pushing on all the spots that make me jump, and making me feel like produce battered around by a thoughtless cashier, the Rheumatologist explained his suspicions.

The pain I'm having is not from the arthritis. The "joint" pain is really pain from the muscles surrounding the joints, which is why different ones are aching then do when my arthritis is truly being temperamental. The deep muscle pain that I have in various points in my body including pretty much my whole back, neck, shoulder, and chest area, along with the weird sleep problems, cognitive issues, and increasing fatigue I've been having paint a distinct, non-arthritis picture.

What's up? His his opinion I have fibromyalgia. The particular odd sleep patterns are common in patients with Fibromyalgia Syndrome (FMS). Apparently most people don't wake up 4-5 times in a "good" night and 8-9 times in a "restless" night of sleep! I wouldn't know. I've had that problem since I was a teenager, along with the intermittent insomnia that keeps me up for days, muscles that always ache no matter how long or short an activity is, and a whole host of other things. The rain just seemed to intensify things, and the stress I've been under and the whiplash injury earlier this year probably added to it. I knew he'd been pressing certain points along my body to gauge my pain response, and while some have eased up, others are even worse. The ones that have eased are joint specific and probably are from the arthritis, where as the others according to a chart I came across are specific for fibromyalgia. I guess he'd been suspecting it for a while but wanted to make sure the pain wasn't from the arthritis, anemia, or Vitamin D deficiency I've been dealing with. All of those are responding to treatment well, so we're left with....this. To be honest I had a sneaking suspicion I'd hear that diagnosis at some point, I just didn't think it would come in addition to arthritis! *snort*

We've decided to keep my arthritis meds as they are because they obviously are working well, my joints aren't swollen, there's no heat in them and no pain if we take away the muscle pain. In addition we're going to try an extremely low dose of a medication to try and help my sleep cycle. Not a sleeping pill, the GP tried to give me those and I decided not to take them because I thought they'd make things worse. The Rheumatologist said sleeping pills are the wrong thing for this type of sleep problem, I'd end up addicted to them and still not feel better because they disrupt the natural sleep cycle, which I already have going on without are pharmaceutical help! Hopefully this other medication will work. I've been taking a tiny dose for a week now and will double that tonight to what will hopefully be the "maintenance dose". The theory is the medication will help my body relax like it should in the evening, and help me sleep a bit deeper so I'm less likely to wake up with every little thing. When that happens hopefully my muscles won't spend every night on full alert, and that will in turn impact my pain level and fatigue level without major pain medications! So *crosses fingers* it better work damn it!!

Part of me is frustrated to have yet another thing to deal with, but in truth I've been dealing with it all along, it just has a name now. With a name I can assure my body that I hear what it's trying to tell me, and I can learn about it and find ways to improve the matter! So I'm thankful really. After all the bullshit I put up with in other areas of the medical profession, at least I have one kick ass Rheumatologist!!

Foreign Body

Two days ago Chris and I were roaming through a store when I came upon a clearance rack with a sweater I thought would fit. Finding clothes here that fit me and look alright is a rarity, and winter clothes even more so, and so I picked it up. They had 3 sizes near my size so I figured I should try on what I thought was the right size, just in case the cut was a bit narrow in the chest.

Once in the dressing room I took off my sweater and t-shirt and turned to take the sweater off the hanger, and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Now, our house only has 2 mirrors, a tiny one big enough to see your face in in the bathroom, and a full length one that is in the "stuff" room that isn't easily gotten to, so I rarely see my whole body in the mirror.

As my eye caught my reflection I gasped, looked away, then looked back in a double take. I couldn't believe what I was seeing, it took my breath away for a moment. It was like I didn't even recognise the body that my head was attached to. This was not the body that I came to New Zealand with at all. Since being here I went through a phase where I gained over 50 lbs in the course of about 4 months, thanks in part to a lovely issue known as PCOS. As if gaining the weight wasn't enough, it also prevents you from getting it back off, at least, until you find a doctor willing to meet you halfway. I do my part. I eat well, cut back on grains, have an elliptical machine that I get on as often as I can (except for when I'm banned from it by the doctor because my arthritis is being a bitch), but in the end I can only do so much and when I can't find a doctor who will read the latest studies and work with me to get this thing under control, well, I'm fucked.

So I'm left with this...foreign body. It is. It's foreign. This is not me. I don't recognise it. I work so hard to nourish and care for my body and this is what I get? Why?

After regaining my breath I tried to smile at myself in the mirror, say "I love you, it's okay, we'll find help soon.", and pull the sweater over my head. It was a bit too small. While I used to have to buy clothes to fit my bust because it was the biggest part of my upper body, now I buy to fit the massive tire situated around a "beer belly" situated around my waist. It's not fair to have a beer belly when I don't drink beer.

I got dressed quickly, grabbed the next size up, and got out of the store. Don't get me wrong, I love me, but I feel like I'm living inside a foreign country, and I'm not talking about New Zealand.