How a perfectionist came to know wabi-sabi

I'm a perfectionist. I think I inherited it from my mother. Looking back I can see it in her frustration at not being able to keep a spotless house with 3 children running around all day, in her agitation at not being on time for something, in the way she would purse her lips and sigh when walking into my bedroom (aka "the disaster area"). Somehow it infected me at a young age, I remember coloring a picture as a child and being so mad with myself when I colored outside the lines that I would immediately flip to another page in the coloring book and start again. If only perfection were as easy to obtain as we get older...but it isn't. The constant pursuit of said perfection in this world is a recipe for insanity and in my teens it was something that made large portions of my life a living hell. I felt the need to control everything, because without control over something I couldn't make it perfect, and if it couldn't be perfect then what was the point in fucking with it to begin with?

Clearly something had to change, but how? I went through the rest of my teens still trying to make everything do exactly what I wanted, and panicking over everything that didn't fall neatly into place. I think my Christian background didn't help the matter any. I felt like I had to keep track of every wrong so I could ask forgiveness for it, keep a close watch on everything I did and said, and felt the weight not only of my own imperfections but the imperfections of everyone around me. Sure, I was told that it was okay to be imperfect because only Jesus could be a perfect human, but it all just felt so wrong to me.

Right before I turned 21 the world I was trying to juggle fell apart. I'm not going to repeat it here, but it was big, scary, and the effects of those months shoved me into a deep depression, worse than any I had dealt with before. Coming out of it was long and hard and along with the perfectionistic streak still whipping my ass I got the bonus of panic attacks! Such fun! And yet, during that time I felt something struggling to be left behind--the religion I was raised in. Through studying different religions and in specific the goddess traditions in paganism I learned something that Christianity failed to teach me. That this world is of our own creation. Within us all is divinity and we each day create the lives we live. They are not always ideal, they are not all a bed of roses, there are struggles we all face, but at the end of the day they are what they are, and there is completeness in them. I realised for the first time that it was okay to not have an absolute answer for everything, some things can only be known in time, and some things will in all honesty elude us for a lifetime. I learned a lot of other things, but that will come in later posts I'm sure.

While studying Japanese concepts I first learned about wabi-sabi, but it didn't sink in fully until about a year later. I was talking with Chris (the one I'm married to now) and had said something I can't recall now and Chris's response to it was something about how wabi-sabi my outlook was. Intrigued I looked into it further and the changes in my perfectionism finally clicked. One of the most valuable things I had learned was to appreciate the beauty in everything around me and that "imperfections" are often the very thing that make something so beautiful. Think of all the beauty we'd miss if everything was flawless. Beauty is fleeting, everchanging, and rarely ever perfect in the eyes of everyone, and that's okay. And in that new concept of beauty I was able to finally breathe, relax, and take a step back from the obessive pursuit of perfectionism.

Yes, there are still days when I obsess because the bathroom is a mess, the laundry pile I just folded has fallen over and I haven't gotten to everything on my to-do list. But then sparkling sunlight playing off a flower just past its "prime"catches my eye and everything pauses around me as I grab the camera to capture the perfect wabi-sabi moment happening right before my eyes.

What is success to you?

Chris and I watched a movie called "School of Life" this past weekend on the recommendation of the woman in the video store. We probably would have never watched it since I normally avoid sappy movies that make me cry, but Chris went to the video store alone and so that's what we ended up watching. *snort* After watching it I have to admit I highly recommend it! It has a good message...made me a bit teary but in a good, sappy way..and made me laugh and think about the things that were most important to me to accomplish in life.

There are certain things I want to accomplish in my life, but beyond that, what it all boils down to is much the same as this bit of prose by Bessie Anderson Stanley.

When all is said and done, what is your definition of a successful life?

Success
He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much;
Who has enjoyed the trust of pure women, the respect of intelligent men and
the love of little children;
Who has filled his niche and accomplished his task;
Who has left the world better than he found it
Whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem or a rescued soul;
Who has never lacked appreciation of Earth's beauty or failed to express it;
Who has always looked for the best in others and given them the best he had;
Whose life was an inspiration;
Whose memory a benediction.

--1904 Bessie Anderson Stanley

Relationships...

"An honorable human relationship---that is, one in which two people have the right to use the word 'love'---is a process, delicate, violent, often terrifying to both persons involved, a process of refining the truths they can tell each other.

It is important to do this because it breaks down human self-delusion and isolation.

It is important to do this because in so doing we do justice to our own complexity.

It is important to do this because we can count on so few people to go that hard way with us."

-Adrienne Rich

Hello, my name is Tiara....

....and I'm a chocoholic.

Go on, laugh, but it's true. I have a major addiction and it gets worse by the day as I find more and more varieties of my drug of choice.

My current supply? In order of quality (the highest at the bottom, always end with the best...*wink*):

Bulk bin semi-sweet chocolate bits- I sprinkle a few of them on my oatmeal in the morning and suddenly I don't hate eating it quite so much! (the addition of peanut butter makes it even better...*drooling*)

Whittaker's dark chocolate- This is a NZ brand they sell in big bars, but unlike the big bar chocolate in the US, this is actually kickass chocolate, WAY worth buying. The snap is pretty clean, it melts well, no gritty texture here, it is really smooth on the tongue....yummy, and great when you have a craving you need sated immediately!

Whittaker's bittersweet chocolate with cocoa nibs- Just enough sweetness that you can eat more than one bite, with little pieces of cocoa nibs (shelled cocoa beans that are then chopped up) that make for an interesting texture and double chocolate treat!

Lindt Excellence 85% cocoa chocolate- This is a hardcore chocolate. The first time I bought one of these bars I popped a whole square in my mouth, then promptly choked it down and ran for water to rinse my mouth of the wickedly bitter taste! I was horrified at the taste of it. After a few days I decided to brave it again, and this time broke off a square, smelled the chocolate, let it warm slightly in my hand, and then nibbled off a corner and let it melt on my tongue while I concentrated on tasting more than just the lack of sugar. 30 minutes later the square was gone and I wasn't chugging water. I think of it as retraining my tastebuds to appreciate chocolate in a more "true to nature" form and now buy a bar every now and then to repeat the process, reset things, and remind myself of how good chocolate can be without all the sugar.

Dagoba Chai- Milk chocolate with bits of crystallised ginger and chai spices blended in to make a spicy treat. Potent like a good cup of chai! You wouldn't eat a whole bar of this all at once (would be a costly habit anyway), but it makes for a good nibble while trying to warm up in the winter (like it is here right now!)

Dagoba Lavender- Lavender and bits of dried blueberries blended into dark chocolate make this one of the more unusual chocolates I've tried. The floral note reminds me a bit of chocolate-dipped rose turkish delights! I can't eat more than one bite at a time, but that's not a bad thing. I used to hate the thought of any flowers in food. But I like orchids in cookies and salad, I now love jasmine tea when I used to think it tasted like perfume, and I like rose turkish delights and rosewater in cocktails, so maybe I'll grow to like lavender in chocolate? Who knows, I'm still forming my opinion about the combination, but if someone gave me another bar of it I wouldn't be mad so that says something...

I adore Dagoba chocolate in general. Sustainability-minded, organic, they know where their cacao comes from--from pod to finished bar--and I think that's a beautiful thing! So if you are a fellow chocoholic, stop in at your nearest whole food store and hunt down a bar in your favorite flavor, you won't be sorry!

Valrhona Manjari Orange- This dark chocolate has a rather acidic tang to it which plays really nicely off the tiny bits of dried, candied orange nuggets that you taste in each nibble. I don't normally love orange in chocolate, but this one actually works well!

That is the priciest bar in my house by far (Chris brought it home for Valentine's day). My love of this brand is purely Chris' fault! That fucker actually took me into a gourmet food store to cheer me up one day (dangerous venture for all involved since I could spend hours and entirely too much money in one) and walked me past the chocolate, and then STOPPED! Well, that was it. Confronted with all the chocolate I had only read about in foodie magazines I couldn't see straight. Who puts the chocolate display at the front of the store where everyone has to walk by it? Brilliant marketers, that's who! Anyhow, the sleek black packages drew me in, all nicely lined up on the shelves, varieties of cacao from all over the world...mmmm... It was on sale so I could justify getting one bar, I can't remember which one it was now, some really dark variety. I left the store with just that and a tube of peppercorns (so our bank account survived). I rationed that chocolate out for weeks and loved every bit of it. So this bar for Valentine's Day was greeted with a ridiculous happy dance!

Now, before you go thinking that I eat mass quantities of chocolate everyday and spend tons of money on it I have to explain something. I eat good chocolate very slowly...and I keep it out of "munching" reach. I break off a piece, then put it away, then go and enjoy the piece because I know if I don't I'll end up mindlessly munching instead of enjoying the complexity of flavor and wicked experience a bite of good chocolate brings. I know it may sound crazy, but I think I eat my chocolate in the same way wine lovers savor a good glass of wine. Sure, sometimes I want to just munch something and so I'll pick up a candy bar and have my sugar fix, but that is hormonal binging, much akin to a wine lover downing box wine to get drunk.

Anyway, there you have it... So tell me, what is YOUR addiction?? What do you stockpile and protect from the rummaging of others?

5 Fears and Dreams

5 Fears and Dreams

If you know me well, average, or not at all, this is for you. Post 5 fears then 5 dreams of yours and let me know when you post them so I can read!

5 Fears

1. Driving. I know, sounds crazy, but it's true! Driving scares me. It has taken me years but I think I've finally come to the root of it--I can't control the other cars. I don't worry about my own driving so much as I worry about all the other people on the road, doing stupid things, driving drunk, or high, swerving into my lane, changing lanes without signaling, cutting me off, etc... Since I can't control everything in that environment I don't feel safe, and when I don't feel safe I panic...which leads me to my second fear...

2. Panic attacks. I have them on occasion, wish I didn't. My fear is having one in public and not being able to get to a "safe zone" before I come unraveled. Odds are most people that know me have been around me on the verge or right smack dab in the middle of a panic attack, and never realised it. I'm good at hiding them and controlling them, but I can only hold it all in for so long them I have to decompress, and I prefer to do that in private. A "safe zone" can be a person, or place, something familiar where I can control what is around me enough to breathe again. Makes life interesting for sure!

3. Loving and losing. I fear allowing myself to become attached to something, someplace, or someone because all too often once I become attached and allow myself to believe it is truly there, it goes away, mostly from someone taking it away. I can't trust that things will be there tomorrow, especially when that thing is something really good in my life. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. So I live in the moment fearing the future because experience has taught me that when I really, truly connect with and love something it leaves or gets taken away. Now, that doesn't stop me from becoming attached (unfortunately I'm too feelings oriented to manage that), I am deeply attached to people, places, and things in my life. But when they go away it leaves a gaping wound in me that I grieve over and have to find a way to heal. I really think a lot of people have this fear but pretend they don't.

4. Claustrophobia. Whether by walls in a small room, or people in a crowded store, I fear being closed in. I've read that it is a phobia that can be inherited, and since I know several people in my family with the same issue I don't doubt that it is. Even really tight clothing can bring on the suffocating feeling. I'll still go to malls, go into a walk in freezer, get on elevators, and all those things because I refuse to live by my own limitations, but every now and then I misjudge whether I'll be okay with something and attempt something my inner self wasn't prepared for and BAM, panic attack. Meh.

5. Limitations. My biggest fear by far is being limited by my fears to the point I become a hermit one day. I have far more fears than listed here (and anyone who knows me can name a few of them I bet!) So I cry, bite my nails, breathe deeply, and suffer through panic attacks in order to keep that from happening. I make myself capture bugs and put them outside instead of killing them (all the while chanting "eww, eww, eww"), I stand at lookout areas and remind myself to not look down and everything will be okay (and I hopefully won't get vertigo), I love things with every fibre of by being even though I think they're gonna go away (because what is life without love?), I go to dinners and meet strangers all the while freaking out in my head (social anxiety), all in an effort to keep from living my biggest fear of all. In that respect I think this particular fear is a healthy thing, it keeps me doing as many things as possible.

Now for the happy good thing! 5 Dreams

1. I dream of being a counselor/therapist. Whether that is as a life coach, or sex therapist, or psychologist, or relationship counselor, I dream of helping people through the problems they struggle with everyday. I believe that when struggling through trials in life, most of us don't need someone to "fix" the issue, we just need someone there who will hold our hand while we walk our path. We have wisdom and truth within us to face our problems, we just sometimes need someone to remind us to trust in ourselves, breathe, and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Listening to others problems and talking through their worries and frustrations is second nature to me, so I really feel I'm meant to use that gift in a way that benefits others.

2. I dream of home. Of having my things around me, my people around me, of having a place that I can call home that I feel settled in. Doesn't mean I have to stay there forever, I think really "home" is just a state of heart/soul. I'm closer than I've ever been, so I think that the rest of the pieces will eventually fall in place until it all resonates within and without. I have an emotional/spiritual place that feels like home, now I'm looking for a physical space that I can call my own....and put earth friendly, non-latex paint on the walls!!!

3. I dream about the future and living my life to the fullest. I wonder who I'll be as I get older, what profession I'll be pursuing, what country I'll be living in, who I'll have around me. I dream of living way past what most people do, of being that crazy aunt and eventually great aunt that has so many stories to tell and those bits of wisdom that make things click. I wonder if we'll adopt a child and if I'll be a mother, if I'll be a grandmother. I want to be one of those people that makes 50 look like the new 30 and 90 look like the new 50. LOL!!! I'm bound and determined to make sure those that I love see that time as well. I want to have lots of friends around me that tell stories of all the things I got up to when I was younger.

4. I dream strange dreams. Some are really vivid, others are just impressions. Some are premonitions and come true, others haven't come true yet but I know they will. Some I wake up laughing about, others people wake me out of because I'm screaming and crying. I know some people have very calm dream lives, but I'm not one of them! Often times I can't remember my dreams when I wake up, but I'll get flashes of them later that stir my memory and they come flooding back. I dream of places or events and when they happen I get that strong rush of deja vu and know that I've been there before...just maybe not physically. On occasion I have dreams about people that I feel I have to tell them about...and I hate that because they are usually warnings and it just makes everyone uncomfortable in general.

5. I dream of better days for those around me, whether they be friends or people I don't know who are affected by tragedies half a world away. I dream of progress being made in politics, religion and the global consciousness so that we affect a positive change in the world around us and ease some of the pain that others are in every day. I suppose that's the ultimate dream for an idealist type--to live in an ideal world. But I don't think an ideal world means no pain and has to be perfection and roses and sunshine everyday. There is startling beauty in the imperfection of many things in life...and it is by working through things that we learn to appreciate that beauty. I just dream that we all will one day be a helping hand to one another in an effort towards unification of humanity in general. We all have more in common than we like to think...and we can all do things that make a world of difference in the lives of those around us, if we only open our eyes and look for the opportunity.

Sweet! That's done...now it's YOUR turn!

If it’s not one thing it’s another...

When my health started to go straight to hell in the past year Chris and I were pleasantly surprised to find that the traveler's insurance I have refunded the thousands of dollars in doctors fees that quickly built up. It was a load off our shoulders, especially when remembering the mass drama I had to deal with in the US with certain insurers that are crap and refused to cover anything...

A load off until today.

Unbeknownst to me the policy now has a "26 week Benefit Clause" that basically states that any disablement is covered for a maximum of 26 weeks, after which no further payments will be paid out for treatment. By disablement they apparently mean anything from a massive heart attack to a cold. (I'm pretty sure this is a new clause since my last renewal.)

This was pointed out to me when I requested preapproval for the surgery I need to have to deal with the abnormal lining of my moody uterus. According to the customer service rep my coverage period for "that condition" ends May 23rd! The earliest available date for the surgery? Either May 26th or (more likely) June 6th. I can't just be randomly worked into the doctor's surgery schedule because my lovely latex allergy requires that I be the first in the OR...and the doctor doesn't do surgeries every day. Far as I can tell there is probably one surgery date between now and the 23rd....and it was booked up last time he checked.

So unless I work some sort of magic the lining will stay where it is...and we get to cross our fingers and hope it doesn't turn cancerous before we get somewhere where I'm covered for surgery and can have it biopsied and removed.

No wonder I'm up listening to Breaking Benjamin at 3 am!

I can't believe I thought that I was getting a reprieve from being shafted by medical insurance companies! *snort* Stupid me.

So here Mr Insurance Company, let me lean over a bit more so you can get a better angle while you fuck me in the ass! Oh yeah, that's it....right there.

Breathe Me...

I've heard this song before, but it wasn't until recently that I heard it and caught the lyrics....and they made me cry. So I listened to it again, and cried some more, and more, and more. Not in a horrible way, but in a "I know what you are saying so well that it takes my breath away." I thought some of you would get the same thing from it, so I wanted to post it for you to check out. The song is "Breathe Me" done by Sia

There is an "official" video for the song, but it is so distracting that I decided to link to this one instead. The lyrics are:

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me