Oh the things my mind wonders...

What makes some struggle with so much and still stick their chins out and keep going no matter how hard they get knocked down, while for others one small thing makes them fall to pieces and never try to get up again?

A blog post DinerGirl (you should read her blog, she has a way with words and her posts are shorter than mine!) wrote recently made that question (and others) spring up yet again in my mind. It's a question I mull over all the time and have talked about at length with many friends, we still don't have any firm conclusions. But I wonder do the things we go through have something to do with it?

I think of some of my close friends and wonder what the hell it is that keeps them going, no matter how many punches they take in this world.

P., who struggles with bipolar disorder (a diagnosis that took far too long and whom misdiagnoses and mistreatment almost killed), and yet is bravely fighting through those early twenties years, trying to conquer the things that do their best to knock her down. I see myself in her every time we talk. I remember how bad those years were for me and I'm trying desperately to be for her what I needed so much and no one would be for me. She'll make it through this period in her life and I can't even imagine the places she'll go.

J., who fights with anxiety and depression that try to choke the life out of her. A childhood that gave her many of the same issues I myself deal with, an ex who could have been the death of her, and two beautiful girls she's trying to raise in the midst of it all who she worries every day will grow up to struggle with the same things that haunt her. She juggles a million things everyday and yet bit by bit is getting closer to making a stable life for herself and her girls.

S., whose life experiences should be a best selling book. One minutes you'd be laughing and the next crying your heart out over the things she's been through. And yet, she is one of the most compassionate people I know. She'd give you the shirt off of her back and her shoes too if she thought you needed them. On top of the clinical depression she lives with every day, she has a teenage son who is going through his own psychological complexities that take more out of her than most people would be willing to go through for their children. Says a lot, doesn't it? She's tried to check out of this world several times but somehow never succeeded, and now stays in it so that she can be the advocate her son needs.

M., who I swear is my twin lost at birth. The two of us living in the same city would probably be more than any town could take. Quirkiness feeds off quirkiness and multiplies I think. It's okay though, we'd never get anywhere because we'd lose the car keys we're so absent-minded and distracted! She deals with much of the same health issues I do and time after time swears off dealing with useless doctors who are too busy chatting with drug reps to give us the time of day. And yet she tries again eventually, because she wants to not just make it through the day, but be well. She can make me laugh 'til my stomach aches. That's priceless.

And Chris. Chris....well, we're married and best friends, that should tell you everything.

And there are others... Every person I've mentioned above inspires some part of my life (including you DG) and I am thankful for them every day. They've come into my life in the oddest ways (most I met online!) and it seems to me that I collect them, these people that I can see elements of myself in, who resonate with something in me. And they keep on coming. I'm still surprised when it happens and yet I'm not, because I decided years ago to bring into my life people who help me be my true self instead of who they think I should be.

But what keeps them going? What makes them hit what seems like rock bottom repeatedly and they lay there for a minute, take a deep breath, and start hauling themselves up again? They have every right to stay down for the count and say they're done trying and yet they don't. And how do I know that? Because they are still living and breathing and creating beauty in their lives. They are still reaching their hands out to others who seem to be drowning and offering a semi-normal conversation, or a smile, or a soothing word. They help me breathe when the anxieties and obsessive thoughts that crowd my brain and restrict my life get the best of me. They give me the love, compassion, understanding, grace, and support that I can give everyone else but myself. I guess they give me what I try to give them.

Where does that come from, when others I know--who have been through far less--use the things they deal with to justify the hate they spread and the pain they inflict on others?

I still don't have any answers to those questions, but I think the ability to hope and to self analyse have something to do with it.

What is it to you?

Please, watch this, then tell me, what is it to you?

You can read the full text of this clip here.

It couldn't be all good I guess...

I woke up this morning, checked my email, read a few of the headlines rejoicing over the results of last night's election, and felt that joy and happiness well up inside me again, despite the horrible night of tolling and turning I had thanks to the whole tooth thing.

And then I read the news coming out about the ballot propositions and such proposed in Arizona, Arkansas, California, and Florida....and I've been crying ever since. Not just a little weepy but all out sobbing that unfortunately woke Chris up (I was trying to be quiet so Chris could sleep longer). I just couldn't hold it all in, my heart hurts too much.

Many of the same voters that helped carry Obama to win his bid for the White House last night turned around and voted for their states to legally discriminate against gay couples and in some, cohabiting couples and their ability to adopt/foster children. We certainly can't blame just the "conservatives" for that one, they were helped along by some who voted Democrat last night. And that is breaking my heart. This was not just a matter of semantics about the word "marriage", the propositions and act are broad discrimination on couples that for whatever reason are not within the "traditional bond of marriage", voted for by over half of the population in those states! Clear evidence that we have a long way to go in dispeling the lies that have been poured out by those who hate people different from them.

Now I will acknowledge that there is some good news in various other proposition races across the nation highlighted in that article, and I may talk about them at some point in the future, but today? Today I'm going to mourn the passing of the 4 mentioned above, because I think the movement deserves that. Last night showed us change can happen, and I DO believe that one day we WILL overcome this. But today I still find myself asking, when will our country be more than 'equality for some'?

California isn't the only one...

While reading yet another blog entry about Prop 8 I followed a link that led to an article in USA Today that reminded me of something I'd totally forgot-- Florida and Arizona also have proposed state Constitutional Amendments on the ballot to permit statewide discrimination on those not engaged in a "traditional marriage" (whatever that is *eyes rolling*), and Arkansas has a proposed Adoption Ban!

Floridians will be voting on Proposition 2, an amendment that states "Inasmuch as a marriage is the legal union of only one man and one woman as husband and wife, no other legal union that is treated as marriage or the substantial equivalent thereof shall be valid or recognized." Many are concerned that the wording of this amendment if passed would impact all cohabiting couples regardless of sexual orientation, including many seniors.

Arizonans will be voting on Proposition 102, an amendment that states "Only a union of one man and one woman shall be valid or recognized as a marriage in this state."

Californians will be voting on Proposition 8, an amendment that states "Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California"

Last but certainly not least, Arkansas has a state statue (Act 1) proposed that will ban individuals cohabiting outside of a valid marriage from adopting a child or providing foster care! This is not targeted only at homosexual couples, but at anyone not married and living with someone! Way to go Arkansas, you already have a horrifying record as far as your state's Child Welfare Agency is concerned, but now you want to ban people who may have stable homes, finances, and relationships but aren't married? Fuck you.

So please, if you live in Florida, Arizona, California, or Arkansas, vote NO to state legislated discrimination!

And if you're not in one of those states, that's okay, we can all still do something. Blog, donate money, talk to anyone you know in those states who does have the power to vote against them. There is (thankfully) a lot out there about Prop 8 in California, but I've read almost nothing about the other states and today was the first I read about Act 1 in Arkansas!

Let's hope that the record turn out of voters this year will support equal rights for everyone. We all deserve equality and the freedom to marry whom we chose and create a family.

My day was....eh.

WHAT THE FUCK? Blogger is so dumb ass I swear. I typed that title and then hit "enter" instead of "tab" and what did the stupid thing do?? SUBMIT THE POST! *falls over* I guess it decided that was going to be the permanent title of today's blog post and although I could delete it so it would disappear and no one would know, I'm not gonna do it, because this is just another example of what a winner day I've had!

Ever had one of those days that volley back and forth between bad and good so you can't really label it either one? Yeah, that was today. Lemme see if I can break it down for ya!

BAD: Stayed up 'til 4 am listening to playlist.com and typing a blog post because Chris was finishing up some computer work and really, any excuse to listen to more music is good with me, even though I KNEW 4 am was a bad idea because it will knock me off for days sleep-wise.

GOOD: Tomorrow is my 5th acupuncture/chinese medicine treatment (I've been at it for 4 weeks total now) and things seem to be working because I started my period today! I know, TMI for some, but I'm not one of those prim women who never speak of such things, so eh. 3 years ago periods would have definitely been in the "bad" category, but since I've only had an non-medically induced period twice in the past 2 years, that's a pretty big fucking deal and since the acupuncture treats pain and such, no "shoot me now I'll give you all the money I have" endometriosis cramps, shocking, eh? And hopefully this means my ovaries haven't given up on ever working again. I may not ever use them for baby making, but god is life hell when they aren't working properly.

GOOD: I talked to my brother on the phone today, he makes me laugh, that boy is so full of shit.

BAD: I talked to my brother today, he doesn't know when to shut up, wouldn't listen when I said I wasn't talking politics with him, and at one point was talking so loud that I could hold the phone 2 feet away from me and still hear him. When he started yelling at me about being a baby killer I'd had more than I could take and handed the phone to Chris because I had to get ready to go to a doctor's appointment and the ranting made me cry (which REALLY pissed me off). Why can't people respect other's boundaries?

BAD: The doctor was almost 45 minutes behind schedule.

GOOD: My GP has the best sense of humor, so we always have good chats and he's good natured about being joked on for running late (he's always running late). We've decided I seem to be holding my own with all the health drama.

BAD: My monthly blood work came back with my iron lower, again. It drops every month since the last infusion. I even started eating red meat again 6 weeks ago to try and boost up the levels since doctors are stubborn and don't get that nothing I eat is going to fix this. So, before we leave NZ in January I'll probably be looking at another 8 hour infusion at the hospital to top up my levels again. YAY! The stain from when the IV infiltrated last time is pretty much faded away...hopefully it won't do that this time.

GOOD: We're going to tweak the meds the Rheumatologist put me on to try and restore the rhythm of my sleep cycle. It's working at the really low dose, but not as much as they want, so we'll go up a tiny bit, starting tonight, so that'll remedy the 4 am rebound shit. I have to get to bed by midnight though. *sighs*

BAD: My blood pressure was still up from that bloody phone call with my brother! The doctor laughed and said he knew I must have been really agitated about something since it's never high any other time. Siblings are a joy, aren't they?

BAD: Drivers on the road acting stupid and trying to get into an accident.

GOOD: Went to the veggie shop and loaded up on all the pretty spring produce!! I know, it's strange, but fresh food makes me happy.

BAD: We ate dinner out because I had no energy after the appointment and errands. But the food was GOOD, so I guess it's a draw? LOL

BAD: When we got home I opened my Inbox and there were non-happy things in there that reminded me way too much of the earlier conversation with my brother, as well as other conversations like it, which made me upset, and since the girlie hormones are doing their thing in my blood, I ended up in tears again!

GOOD: More music, LOUD music, to help the thoughts in my head flow better. Rock music helps when I'm angsty.

BAD: I have to address the emails at some point, but to be honest I just don't know where to begin anymore. I'm so tired of this. So. Damn. Tired.

OH YEAH, and if one more person tells me that pro-choice = pro-abortion, or insinuates that pro-choice means I'm a happy baby killer, I might physically harm them (and I'm not sure I'd label that one BAD either... ;-P)

So depending on how I tally things up, it comes out to BAD: 8-9 GOOD:6-8

Yeah, like I said to begin with, the day was....EH!

Thank You

Thank you Jason Linkins for noting a particularly moving part of Powell's interview on Meet the Press. Before you read the rest of this blog post, please follow the link to that post.

Thank you Colin Powell for saying what needed to be said, and what many of us have been trying to say for a long time.

Thank you Specialist Kareem Rashad Sultan Khan, for being so passionate about serving your country, and for giving your life to fight in the Army while some of your fellow countrymen cannot bring themselves to see you as their brother.

And to Elsheba Khan, I am so sorry for the loss of your son's life as he proudly served a country where some of the "leaders" and your fellow citizens say "Arab", "Islam" and "Muslim" like they are dirty, hate filled words. Please know that there are many among you who believe you have as much right to your religious beliefs as the rest of us do, who mourn the loss of lives in Iraq no matter what race, religion, nationality, or "side" they are on, and who fight the racial/religious profiling and stereotyping of people within our borders.

---

To those who may be tempted to make some snarky comment about this post, say what you will, but let me just clarify something for you. I personally am proud of our men and women in uniform and support them wholeheartedly. It IS possible to support our troops and yet not support the war. My heart breaks for every family who have had their loved one deployed for months at a time, 2, 3, 4 times in a row, just as it breaks for those whose loved ones come home in a box, and those in Iraq who lose loved ones every day that the media forgets about. As a Democrat I do believe there is a time and a place for the use of our military, I just believe in this case the government got it wrong and a lot of people have paid the ultimate price for it.

I post things like this because unfortunately there are too many people in this country who seem to forget that our military is happy to enlist you, regardless of your race, religion, gender, and often even your sexual orientation. Muslims, Jews, Buddhists, Wiccans, Atheists, Agnostics, Christians, and Pagans (as well as numerous other religions) serve side by side every day. Caucasians, Indians, African Americans, Hispanics, Asians, and yes, even Arabs (as well as other ethnicities), give of their time in service to our country, and some their very lives. Immigrants are enlisted to fight in our armed forces when they don't yet have the right to even vote for their Commander in Chief!

Seems to me it's high time we learned to embrace each other, celebrate the things we have in common, enjoy our differences, put an end to discrimination, and treat one another as equals, no matter what faith, skin color, ethnic background, gender, or sexual orientation we have.

Connecticut

The last few days have found me thinking of Connecticut. Not because I used to live there, I've never set foot in the state. Not because I know someone who lives there, because, well, I don't. And not because I have some particular need to visit there either, to be honest it's never been on my list of places to visit.

Connecticut is on my mind because last week they overturned a ban on same-sex marriages. In doing so they've become the third state to allow same sex couples to marry, the others being Massachusetts and California. Reading about the ruling was a bright spot in my week, but was quickly tempered with the concern I've had while reading news like this coming out of California. On Nov. 4th they will vote on Proposition 8, an amendment to the state Constitution that would outlaw gay marriage.

As a woman whose sexuality and choice of life partner have been repeatedly discriminated against by 'family', 'friends', and the world I grew up in, this issue hits really close to home. Once again I find myself asking the same question I always do. Why? Why is love between consenting adults so threatening to people? I cannot understand it. Even when I was younger and trying to play the role of the good little conservative Christian girl, I never understood why gay people were seen as so bad. But boy did living in that environment do a number on me as I got older and realised not only was I seen as inferior because I was a woman, but that I had....preferences that others around me didn't, and I had no clue how to deal with them.

And that's another thing....how is it that the same people that vote Republican because they think the government is too involved in things and scream if their guns or businesses are affected in any way, are the same ones that want the government to ban things like abortion, homosexuality, and books/media galore? Seems like the two contradict themselves.

I don't get it people, I just don't get it. With all the hate, anger, war, and human atrocities in this world, don't we all need to encourage as much love as possible?? Why legislate deliberate discrimination borne out of hate?

I had a point to this blog post when I started, but my brain has become so fried with the 'why' question that I can't make sense of anything I've written in the last 30 minutes. So instead I'll leave my ramblings as is and end with this:



Visit noonprop8.com for more information on how you can help with either your time or donations.

Relationships...

"An honorable human relationship---that is, one in which two people have the right to use the word 'love'---is a process, delicate, violent, often terrifying to both persons involved, a process of refining the truths they can tell each other.

It is important to do this because it breaks down human self-delusion and isolation.

It is important to do this because in so doing we do justice to our own complexity.

It is important to do this because we can count on so few people to go that hard way with us."

-Adrienne Rich