How a perfectionist came to know wabi-sabi

I'm a perfectionist. I think I inherited it from my mother. Looking back I can see it in her frustration at not being able to keep a spotless house with 3 children running around all day, in her agitation at not being on time for something, in the way she would purse her lips and sigh when walking into my bedroom (aka "the disaster area"). Somehow it infected me at a young age, I remember coloring a picture as a child and being so mad with myself when I colored outside the lines that I would immediately flip to another page in the coloring book and start again. If only perfection were as easy to obtain as we get older...but it isn't. The constant pursuit of said perfection in this world is a recipe for insanity and in my teens it was something that made large portions of my life a living hell. I felt the need to control everything, because without control over something I couldn't make it perfect, and if it couldn't be perfect then what was the point in fucking with it to begin with?

Clearly something had to change, but how? I went through the rest of my teens still trying to make everything do exactly what I wanted, and panicking over everything that didn't fall neatly into place. I think my Christian background didn't help the matter any. I felt like I had to keep track of every wrong so I could ask forgiveness for it, keep a close watch on everything I did and said, and felt the weight not only of my own imperfections but the imperfections of everyone around me. Sure, I was told that it was okay to be imperfect because only Jesus could be a perfect human, but it all just felt so wrong to me.

Right before I turned 21 the world I was trying to juggle fell apart. I'm not going to repeat it here, but it was big, scary, and the effects of those months shoved me into a deep depression, worse than any I had dealt with before. Coming out of it was long and hard and along with the perfectionistic streak still whipping my ass I got the bonus of panic attacks! Such fun! And yet, during that time I felt something struggling to be left behind--the religion I was raised in. Through studying different religions and in specific the goddess traditions in paganism I learned something that Christianity failed to teach me. That this world is of our own creation. Within us all is divinity and we each day create the lives we live. They are not always ideal, they are not all a bed of roses, there are struggles we all face, but at the end of the day they are what they are, and there is completeness in them. I realised for the first time that it was okay to not have an absolute answer for everything, some things can only be known in time, and some things will in all honesty elude us for a lifetime. I learned a lot of other things, but that will come in later posts I'm sure.

While studying Japanese concepts I first learned about wabi-sabi, but it didn't sink in fully until about a year later. I was talking with Chris (the one I'm married to now) and had said something I can't recall now and Chris's response to it was something about how wabi-sabi my outlook was. Intrigued I looked into it further and the changes in my perfectionism finally clicked. One of the most valuable things I had learned was to appreciate the beauty in everything around me and that "imperfections" are often the very thing that make something so beautiful. Think of all the beauty we'd miss if everything was flawless. Beauty is fleeting, everchanging, and rarely ever perfect in the eyes of everyone, and that's okay. And in that new concept of beauty I was able to finally breathe, relax, and take a step back from the obessive pursuit of perfectionism.

Yes, there are still days when I obsess because the bathroom is a mess, the laundry pile I just folded has fallen over and I haven't gotten to everything on my to-do list. But then sparkling sunlight playing off a flower just past its "prime"catches my eye and everything pauses around me as I grab the camera to capture the perfect wabi-sabi moment happening right before my eyes.

What is success to you?

Chris and I watched a movie called "School of Life" this past weekend on the recommendation of the woman in the video store. We probably would have never watched it since I normally avoid sappy movies that make me cry, but Chris went to the video store alone and so that's what we ended up watching. *snort* After watching it I have to admit I highly recommend it! It has a good message...made me a bit teary but in a good, sappy way..and made me laugh and think about the things that were most important to me to accomplish in life.

There are certain things I want to accomplish in my life, but beyond that, what it all boils down to is much the same as this bit of prose by Bessie Anderson Stanley.

When all is said and done, what is your definition of a successful life?

Success
He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much;
Who has enjoyed the trust of pure women, the respect of intelligent men and
the love of little children;
Who has filled his niche and accomplished his task;
Who has left the world better than he found it
Whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem or a rescued soul;
Who has never lacked appreciation of Earth's beauty or failed to express it;
Who has always looked for the best in others and given them the best he had;
Whose life was an inspiration;
Whose memory a benediction.

--1904 Bessie Anderson Stanley

Relationships...

"An honorable human relationship---that is, one in which two people have the right to use the word 'love'---is a process, delicate, violent, often terrifying to both persons involved, a process of refining the truths they can tell each other.

It is important to do this because it breaks down human self-delusion and isolation.

It is important to do this because in so doing we do justice to our own complexity.

It is important to do this because we can count on so few people to go that hard way with us."

-Adrienne Rich