Hello, my name is Tiara....

....and I'm a chocoholic.

Go on, laugh, but it's true. I have a major addiction and it gets worse by the day as I find more and more varieties of my drug of choice.

My current supply? In order of quality (the highest at the bottom, always end with the best...*wink*):

Bulk bin semi-sweet chocolate bits- I sprinkle a few of them on my oatmeal in the morning and suddenly I don't hate eating it quite so much! (the addition of peanut butter makes it even better...*drooling*)

Whittaker's dark chocolate- This is a NZ brand they sell in big bars, but unlike the big bar chocolate in the US, this is actually kickass chocolate, WAY worth buying. The snap is pretty clean, it melts well, no gritty texture here, it is really smooth on the tongue....yummy, and great when you have a craving you need sated immediately!

Whittaker's bittersweet chocolate with cocoa nibs- Just enough sweetness that you can eat more than one bite, with little pieces of cocoa nibs (shelled cocoa beans that are then chopped up) that make for an interesting texture and double chocolate treat!

Lindt Excellence 85% cocoa chocolate- This is a hardcore chocolate. The first time I bought one of these bars I popped a whole square in my mouth, then promptly choked it down and ran for water to rinse my mouth of the wickedly bitter taste! I was horrified at the taste of it. After a few days I decided to brave it again, and this time broke off a square, smelled the chocolate, let it warm slightly in my hand, and then nibbled off a corner and let it melt on my tongue while I concentrated on tasting more than just the lack of sugar. 30 minutes later the square was gone and I wasn't chugging water. I think of it as retraining my tastebuds to appreciate chocolate in a more "true to nature" form and now buy a bar every now and then to repeat the process, reset things, and remind myself of how good chocolate can be without all the sugar.

Dagoba Chai- Milk chocolate with bits of crystallised ginger and chai spices blended in to make a spicy treat. Potent like a good cup of chai! You wouldn't eat a whole bar of this all at once (would be a costly habit anyway), but it makes for a good nibble while trying to warm up in the winter (like it is here right now!)

Dagoba Lavender- Lavender and bits of dried blueberries blended into dark chocolate make this one of the more unusual chocolates I've tried. The floral note reminds me a bit of chocolate-dipped rose turkish delights! I can't eat more than one bite at a time, but that's not a bad thing. I used to hate the thought of any flowers in food. But I like orchids in cookies and salad, I now love jasmine tea when I used to think it tasted like perfume, and I like rose turkish delights and rosewater in cocktails, so maybe I'll grow to like lavender in chocolate? Who knows, I'm still forming my opinion about the combination, but if someone gave me another bar of it I wouldn't be mad so that says something...

I adore Dagoba chocolate in general. Sustainability-minded, organic, they know where their cacao comes from--from pod to finished bar--and I think that's a beautiful thing! So if you are a fellow chocoholic, stop in at your nearest whole food store and hunt down a bar in your favorite flavor, you won't be sorry!

Valrhona Manjari Orange- This dark chocolate has a rather acidic tang to it which plays really nicely off the tiny bits of dried, candied orange nuggets that you taste in each nibble. I don't normally love orange in chocolate, but this one actually works well!

That is the priciest bar in my house by far (Chris brought it home for Valentine's day). My love of this brand is purely Chris' fault! That fucker actually took me into a gourmet food store to cheer me up one day (dangerous venture for all involved since I could spend hours and entirely too much money in one) and walked me past the chocolate, and then STOPPED! Well, that was it. Confronted with all the chocolate I had only read about in foodie magazines I couldn't see straight. Who puts the chocolate display at the front of the store where everyone has to walk by it? Brilliant marketers, that's who! Anyhow, the sleek black packages drew me in, all nicely lined up on the shelves, varieties of cacao from all over the world...mmmm... It was on sale so I could justify getting one bar, I can't remember which one it was now, some really dark variety. I left the store with just that and a tube of peppercorns (so our bank account survived). I rationed that chocolate out for weeks and loved every bit of it. So this bar for Valentine's Day was greeted with a ridiculous happy dance!

Now, before you go thinking that I eat mass quantities of chocolate everyday and spend tons of money on it I have to explain something. I eat good chocolate very slowly...and I keep it out of "munching" reach. I break off a piece, then put it away, then go and enjoy the piece because I know if I don't I'll end up mindlessly munching instead of enjoying the complexity of flavor and wicked experience a bite of good chocolate brings. I know it may sound crazy, but I think I eat my chocolate in the same way wine lovers savor a good glass of wine. Sure, sometimes I want to just munch something and so I'll pick up a candy bar and have my sugar fix, but that is hormonal binging, much akin to a wine lover downing box wine to get drunk.

Anyway, there you have it... So tell me, what is YOUR addiction?? What do you stockpile and protect from the rummaging of others?

5 Fears and Dreams

5 Fears and Dreams

If you know me well, average, or not at all, this is for you. Post 5 fears then 5 dreams of yours and let me know when you post them so I can read!

5 Fears

1. Driving. I know, sounds crazy, but it's true! Driving scares me. It has taken me years but I think I've finally come to the root of it--I can't control the other cars. I don't worry about my own driving so much as I worry about all the other people on the road, doing stupid things, driving drunk, or high, swerving into my lane, changing lanes without signaling, cutting me off, etc... Since I can't control everything in that environment I don't feel safe, and when I don't feel safe I panic...which leads me to my second fear...

2. Panic attacks. I have them on occasion, wish I didn't. My fear is having one in public and not being able to get to a "safe zone" before I come unraveled. Odds are most people that know me have been around me on the verge or right smack dab in the middle of a panic attack, and never realised it. I'm good at hiding them and controlling them, but I can only hold it all in for so long them I have to decompress, and I prefer to do that in private. A "safe zone" can be a person, or place, something familiar where I can control what is around me enough to breathe again. Makes life interesting for sure!

3. Loving and losing. I fear allowing myself to become attached to something, someplace, or someone because all too often once I become attached and allow myself to believe it is truly there, it goes away, mostly from someone taking it away. I can't trust that things will be there tomorrow, especially when that thing is something really good in my life. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. So I live in the moment fearing the future because experience has taught me that when I really, truly connect with and love something it leaves or gets taken away. Now, that doesn't stop me from becoming attached (unfortunately I'm too feelings oriented to manage that), I am deeply attached to people, places, and things in my life. But when they go away it leaves a gaping wound in me that I grieve over and have to find a way to heal. I really think a lot of people have this fear but pretend they don't.

4. Claustrophobia. Whether by walls in a small room, or people in a crowded store, I fear being closed in. I've read that it is a phobia that can be inherited, and since I know several people in my family with the same issue I don't doubt that it is. Even really tight clothing can bring on the suffocating feeling. I'll still go to malls, go into a walk in freezer, get on elevators, and all those things because I refuse to live by my own limitations, but every now and then I misjudge whether I'll be okay with something and attempt something my inner self wasn't prepared for and BAM, panic attack. Meh.

5. Limitations. My biggest fear by far is being limited by my fears to the point I become a hermit one day. I have far more fears than listed here (and anyone who knows me can name a few of them I bet!) So I cry, bite my nails, breathe deeply, and suffer through panic attacks in order to keep that from happening. I make myself capture bugs and put them outside instead of killing them (all the while chanting "eww, eww, eww"), I stand at lookout areas and remind myself to not look down and everything will be okay (and I hopefully won't get vertigo), I love things with every fibre of by being even though I think they're gonna go away (because what is life without love?), I go to dinners and meet strangers all the while freaking out in my head (social anxiety), all in an effort to keep from living my biggest fear of all. In that respect I think this particular fear is a healthy thing, it keeps me doing as many things as possible.

Now for the happy good thing! 5 Dreams

1. I dream of being a counselor/therapist. Whether that is as a life coach, or sex therapist, or psychologist, or relationship counselor, I dream of helping people through the problems they struggle with everyday. I believe that when struggling through trials in life, most of us don't need someone to "fix" the issue, we just need someone there who will hold our hand while we walk our path. We have wisdom and truth within us to face our problems, we just sometimes need someone to remind us to trust in ourselves, breathe, and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Listening to others problems and talking through their worries and frustrations is second nature to me, so I really feel I'm meant to use that gift in a way that benefits others.

2. I dream of home. Of having my things around me, my people around me, of having a place that I can call home that I feel settled in. Doesn't mean I have to stay there forever, I think really "home" is just a state of heart/soul. I'm closer than I've ever been, so I think that the rest of the pieces will eventually fall in place until it all resonates within and without. I have an emotional/spiritual place that feels like home, now I'm looking for a physical space that I can call my own....and put earth friendly, non-latex paint on the walls!!!

3. I dream about the future and living my life to the fullest. I wonder who I'll be as I get older, what profession I'll be pursuing, what country I'll be living in, who I'll have around me. I dream of living way past what most people do, of being that crazy aunt and eventually great aunt that has so many stories to tell and those bits of wisdom that make things click. I wonder if we'll adopt a child and if I'll be a mother, if I'll be a grandmother. I want to be one of those people that makes 50 look like the new 30 and 90 look like the new 50. LOL!!! I'm bound and determined to make sure those that I love see that time as well. I want to have lots of friends around me that tell stories of all the things I got up to when I was younger.

4. I dream strange dreams. Some are really vivid, others are just impressions. Some are premonitions and come true, others haven't come true yet but I know they will. Some I wake up laughing about, others people wake me out of because I'm screaming and crying. I know some people have very calm dream lives, but I'm not one of them! Often times I can't remember my dreams when I wake up, but I'll get flashes of them later that stir my memory and they come flooding back. I dream of places or events and when they happen I get that strong rush of deja vu and know that I've been there before...just maybe not physically. On occasion I have dreams about people that I feel I have to tell them about...and I hate that because they are usually warnings and it just makes everyone uncomfortable in general.

5. I dream of better days for those around me, whether they be friends or people I don't know who are affected by tragedies half a world away. I dream of progress being made in politics, religion and the global consciousness so that we affect a positive change in the world around us and ease some of the pain that others are in every day. I suppose that's the ultimate dream for an idealist type--to live in an ideal world. But I don't think an ideal world means no pain and has to be perfection and roses and sunshine everyday. There is startling beauty in the imperfection of many things in life...and it is by working through things that we learn to appreciate that beauty. I just dream that we all will one day be a helping hand to one another in an effort towards unification of humanity in general. We all have more in common than we like to think...and we can all do things that make a world of difference in the lives of those around us, if we only open our eyes and look for the opportunity.

Sweet! That's done...now it's YOUR turn!

If it’s not one thing it’s another...

When my health started to go straight to hell in the past year Chris and I were pleasantly surprised to find that the traveler's insurance I have refunded the thousands of dollars in doctors fees that quickly built up. It was a load off our shoulders, especially when remembering the mass drama I had to deal with in the US with certain insurers that are crap and refused to cover anything...

A load off until today.

Unbeknownst to me the policy now has a "26 week Benefit Clause" that basically states that any disablement is covered for a maximum of 26 weeks, after which no further payments will be paid out for treatment. By disablement they apparently mean anything from a massive heart attack to a cold. (I'm pretty sure this is a new clause since my last renewal.)

This was pointed out to me when I requested preapproval for the surgery I need to have to deal with the abnormal lining of my moody uterus. According to the customer service rep my coverage period for "that condition" ends May 23rd! The earliest available date for the surgery? Either May 26th or (more likely) June 6th. I can't just be randomly worked into the doctor's surgery schedule because my lovely latex allergy requires that I be the first in the OR...and the doctor doesn't do surgeries every day. Far as I can tell there is probably one surgery date between now and the 23rd....and it was booked up last time he checked.

So unless I work some sort of magic the lining will stay where it is...and we get to cross our fingers and hope it doesn't turn cancerous before we get somewhere where I'm covered for surgery and can have it biopsied and removed.

No wonder I'm up listening to Breaking Benjamin at 3 am!

I can't believe I thought that I was getting a reprieve from being shafted by medical insurance companies! *snort* Stupid me.

So here Mr Insurance Company, let me lean over a bit more so you can get a better angle while you fuck me in the ass! Oh yeah, that's it....right there.

Breathe Me...

I've heard this song before, but it wasn't until recently that I heard it and caught the lyrics....and they made me cry. So I listened to it again, and cried some more, and more, and more. Not in a horrible way, but in a "I know what you are saying so well that it takes my breath away." I thought some of you would get the same thing from it, so I wanted to post it for you to check out. The song is "Breathe Me" done by Sia

There is an "official" video for the song, but it is so distracting that I decided to link to this one instead. The lyrics are:

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Keepin’ me on my toes!

Between immigration stuff for both NZ and the US...and rounds with doctors I want to kick, life is keepin' me on my toes!

Where are we in the immigration process?

US immigration-- We've sent in all the possible paperwork we can...now we play the waiting game. Could be a month before we hear anything, could be up to 4 months. (evil,eh?) All we can do is wait, hope to hear sooner rather than later, and send lots of good energy to get everything done quickly and without any problems. When we hear from them it will be to (hopefully) be given a final interview date with the embassy here. Chris will then have to schedule the health exam in enough time to have the medical certificate from the doctor approved, and have it sent to the embassy before the interview. At the interview they will do a final review of our documents, ask some questions to confirm we aren't scamming them, and then either approve or deny Chris' visa. If approved, we should be able to leave the country within a few weeks!

NZ immigration-- I sent in a request for an extention on my permit here. I currently have 13 days left legally in NZ. Scary, huh? I have no nails left 'cause I've bitten them all down...*snort* They've been processing my application since April 15th....they'd better get done soon damn it! They don't have to give me a extension since I've already been here for almost 2 years. No, they don't care that we are married and that US immigration is making life difficult....so..yeah...fun fun!

If they kick me out of NZ, we're going to Australia to wait for the US to finish processing Chris' visa. Our hope is that if we are forced to leave NZ, once we have an interview date at the embassy, hopefully they'll let me come back in the country on a limited purpose visa, which states when I'm coming in, when I'm leaving, and it can't be extended...

Anywho, so that's where everything is now! We've gotta pack up everything in our flat in case we have to leave the country in a hurry. I hate packing. LOL