Conundrum

What do you do when you realise an opinion you've held for a long time is not quite what you thought it was? One that you've taken inside you and made a part of your very identity? How do you learn to let it go? Why do I end up with such vexing conundrums?

For a while now I've been wrestling with something so deeply ingrained in me that even debating it within my own mind feels like blasphemy. Back and forth I go until I've practically driven myself mad. When I can't contain it inside any longer I finally end up talking it over with a trusted someone else. It's funny how even voicing doubt over a personal opinion feels like you're being unfaithful to yourself!

This is not the first deep issue I've wrestled with in this way. I can replay in my mind's eye the times where I've felt the earth shift from beneath me as something I've based my whole self on crumbles to pieces. They say ignorance is bliss and they (whomever they are) are so right. The more I know the more I realise I don't know. The more I see the more I want to close my eyes and yet know I can't. I know too much and yet not enough.

The rational side of me demands concrete answers to the issues I wrestle with. The intuitive part of me knows that those absolutes aren't there. It's like there's a whole group of people inside my mind sitting at a round table and they are all parts of me. One by one they climb up onto the table in an attempt to dominate my thoughts and drown the others out. But it doesn't work. Someone drags them down and another clamors to be heard above the throng.

In the end I'll get things as sorted out as I can. I know the choice I have to make, but all those other parts of me are still rebelling over it. They all want to be right, they all have their evidence, it's like there are fucking lobbyists in my mind! *snort*

Oh how my INFPness gets on my nerve sometimes.