6 Years

Last month I had an 8 hour iron infusion done in hopes that if my body had sufficient iron it would rapidly build up its red blood cells. My hemoglobin levels had dropped to levels that normally warrant a blood transfusion, however my current GP wisely consulted with a hematologist as soon as he had my blood work in hand and together they decided to try the iron as a last ditch effort to give my body a boost. As I sat for 8 hours watching the Dr. Pepper colored fluid drip into my veins I couldn't help but think that surely it wasn't going to be this simple. 6 years and at least 15 doctors had seen my lab work and while they had mentioned maybe "some day" thinking about injections or infusions, it was never something they deemed important enough to address themselves...always left to some other time, some other doctor.

Within a week of the infusion I could feel changes in my body and although blood work is notoriously inconclusive that early after an infusion, we could see color in my cheeks and my blood pressure started to elevate, so we could tell something good was going on. 2 weeks after the infusion Chris and I set out on foot from our hotel in Sydney and roamed around the city for hours. I had to stop and rest a lot, but I could walk farther than a few feet before having to catch my breath...something that I hadn't been able to do for over a year now.

Today I saw the doctor after having blood work done, 5 weeks post-infusion. My iron levels are through the roof! My body has latched onto that iron like it's life itself....and it is. With that vital building block it has managed to take my hemoglobin from the dangerous transfusion level it was and mass produce tons of healthy new red blood cells! So many that my levels are now at the "low normal" range for my age and sex. Yes, that's right...for the first time in over 6 years I have enough red blood cells and iron in my body!

Needless to say I'm so glad that my body has responded so well to what was a rather simple treatment. But, I also have to admit I'm angry. Not just angry, I'm furious...seething...fucking pissed off.

6 years, 6 fucking years that could have been full of life and vitality.....gone. Not one of those doctors in all these years could bother to order that treatment. Not one of them took the time to tell me that many of the symptoms I was experiencing were due to the lack of iron in my body. They said I may feel a bit tired at times, but they didn't tell me I'd feel like a mac truck had run over me repeatedly, or that one day the fatigue would get so severe that I'd be a newlywed that wouldn't have the energy for sex...even after sleeping all day. They didn't tell me about the reduced physical stamina, about muscle cramps so bad I could barely stand when getting out of bed, or the general weakness that would follow as the levels stayed low for so long. They didn't tell me I'd eventually not have the ability to go shopping at the mall because I'd go to one store and be too tired and have to go home and lay down. I had no clue that in time I would no longer be able to climb a flight of stairs without getting out of breath, or I'd fall asleep in mid-sentence from exhaustion, or that I'd end up not being able to journal because I couldn't compose my thoughts. That my house would go to hell because I wouldn't even be able to do the laundry, or that the love I have for cooking would fall by the wayside because I wouldn't have the stamina to stand in the kitchen long enough to fix a proper meal....and that it wouldn't really matter to me because my appetite would be long gone by then and I'd forget to eat all day 'cause I wouldn't even think of food. Or how about the dizziness I'd have when getting up out of bed that landed me on my ass on more than one occasion because I'd almost pass out from the change in blood pressure? That my blood pressure would eventually get so low I'd be too lethargic to get up out of bed some days. How about the memory loss, loss of cognitive ability, loss of coordination, inability to concentrate and hold a thought because of the reduced oxygen levels in my blood? The blinding headaches, feeling the pulse pound in my head so bad I'd think I was having a stroke....the heart palpitations from the constant rapid pulse because my heart was having to work overtime to get blood pumped to my brain. The panic attacks and irrational anxiety that eventually made me practically housebound because I couldn't tolerate being around other people--thanks to my brain starving for air. They didn't tell me I'd lose handfuls of hair at a time as my body stopped tending to "non-essential" things. They got the brilliant idea to induce a menstrual period and forgot to tell me it would cause me to almost bleed to death. Worst of all, they never told me about the long term health affects that I will now have to deal with for years as my body tries to slowly recover from the severe long term anemia I've lived with for only God knows how long. They watched me as over the years all these things happened to my body and they NEVER ordered the treatment that could make it go away.

I want those years back! I want my hair back! I want back all the social engagements I couldn't go to, the long walks on the beach that I missed, the summer hikes I couldn't experience, the many private moments with my love that never happened because I was sleeping. I want to erase the pain I felt when time after time no one believed what I was telling them, to erase the cruel comments from those around me who didn't understand, the many times I beat myself up because I truly started to believe that I was weak, useless, and imagining it all.

Most of all I want to hand deliver this post to EVERY FUCKING DOCTOR whose office I had the misfortune of sitting in while they brushed off the concerns I time after time expressed.

But I can't do that...and I can't get back all that I've lost...and I can't carry around this anger and bitterness because in the end it will only steal away more of my life and quite frankly I've lost enough already thanks to the failings of those that take an oath to "do no harm".

Thankfully a co-worker of Chris' recommended a family doctor who we went to see because she swore he was the best doctor ever. He is. He caught a big medical boo-boo that almost killed me and I will be forever indebted to him. He is the reason that I can't write off all doctors...and this is the reason that I will keep going to appointments and seeing doctors and shelling out that money in the hopes that I can find a specialist to treat the more complex health issues that this doctor cannot.

Thank you Dr. Gentry for being a credit to your profession. I can't believe I had to come halfway across the world and then deal with 5 doctors in the "they" category before I landed in your office. The world needs more doctors like you so there will be less patients like me.