wabi sabi moments

It's a Brand New Day

2009-01-21T06:33:00.000+13:00

Today is a brand new day. We stayed up all night to watch the inauguration. We soaked in the beautiful music played by classical music greats. We chuckled over the stumble over the oath. I teared up over the inaugural speech. We all watched history in the making today. I am so proud.

"America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations." -President Barack Obama

Today we celebrate our nation and the new page it has turned! Tomorrow, we get to work.

Bye Bye Bush!

2009-01-21T00:10:00.001+13:00

Do you see that? My "Bush's Last Day" counter is counting down the last few hours before the inauguration ceremony! I can't believe this day has come. Please let this be a peaceful day!

I could write a long post about what I've thought of the last 8 years, but I don't have it in me anymore. There is too much work to do, both for our world, our nation, and my house. ;-) So instead, I'm just going to post a link to a game that really made me laugh today! Goodbye Mr. Bush If you're feeling a little bummed that you can't go throw shoes at the White House in solidarity with others that have thrown them at the man himself, go have a play of the game! It's cathartic.

I'm staying up all night since it's the only way to catch the inauguration live...this should be fun. :-P

I Hate Auction Sites.

2009-01-20T01:43:00.000+13:00

Seriously, I do.

I'm selling a pile of our shit on the Kiwi version of Ebay to pare down the crapload of things we have to mail to the US and let me tell you, it sucks. By the time I've ironed, photographed, measured, and written up the description and price requirements and submitted them to be posted, a sizable bite out of an hour is gone. Multiply that by the whole stack of clothing and the time in my day is going by much faster than I'd hoped and they are still not all listed!! Who knew it took so long to post a shirt on one of those bloody sites!?!

Kudos to the people who actually make a living doing this stuff! I'll be so glad when it's all sold and mailed off to the new owners. They'd all better sell damn it.

Especially because I've probably spent more buying stuff off that site recently than I will make selling the clothes! *snort* But it was worth it, I had to have a travel case for the laptop so I was hunting a purse/laptop case combo to make the whole airport juggle a bit easier. I found it! It's red leather, very sexy.

So...anyone wanna come pack up my flat? Hmmm? I'll feed you well (with take-outs). It's warm and sunny here! There's a beach not even 5 minutes away! What's that? The plane ticket is too expensive? *sighs* If only we'd win lotto...

Less than 4 weeks to go! I'd bite my nails but there isn't much left to bite at this point...

That old melancholy feeling.

2009-01-08T02:50:00.003+13:00

Tonight we booked one-way tickets to the US. In 5 weeks we'll be saying goodbye to New Zealand and starting anew somewhere in the States.

I know I should be ecstatic about it, but I'm not. All I feel is this deep sense of melancholy. We've been planning to leave NZ since before I even moved here, but now the plans are so permanent and I find myself asking "Why are we moving?". I know all the logical reasons why, I just can't seem to give a shit about them anymore. Who leaves a place that makes them happy for the unknown that could bring them misery? Apparently we do. What the fuck is up with that?

Okay, I'll admit it...I'm scared. Not just a little, I mean I am completely overwhelmed by this huge fear that is sitting squarely on my chest. I think it's having a lovely chat with the neurotic panic and paranoia currently circling 'round in my mind. The two of them are having quite the party with my sanity (what little I have).

I suppose the fact that I've been sick since New Year's with some "tummy bug" (as named by the urgent care doc I saw) that seems more like a tummy gila monster is not really helping the matter any. I haven't been able to take most of my medication so I'm feeling really grand at the moment if you catch my drift.

I have an ENTIRE FLAT FULL OF SHIT to sort, sell off, or pack and ship, but instead of doing that I'm sitting here with this "deer caught in the headlights" dazed look on my face, in between the bouts of hysterical tears.

I've been trying to find my happy place, but I think it's on vacation indefinitely. Probably sunning itself on the same tropical beach as my sanity. Bastards.

R.I.P. Eartha Kitt

2008-12-27T23:32:00.001+13:00

Hard to believe the video clip below is from just two years ago. Eartha Kitt certainly maintained that sultry seductiveness through the years! Her passing on Christmas Day left me at a loss for words.

No one will ever sing "Santa Baby" quite as well as she did...

How do you grow?

2008-12-05T22:12:00.000+13:00

There's a bougainvillea growing in my backyard. As spring has revived it the new growth has become so prolific that I can barely get our door open! Carefully weaving our way through the thorn-studded new branches has become something of an obstacle course. ;-P This is our third (and final) spring/summer in this flat and although it grows rapidly and gets pruned back several times a year, I've never seen it quite so determined to grow up the side of the house. It even sent shoots right up through the gutter and now part of our roof is in full bloom!

While contemplating how to tame the beast so the property owner doesn't send someone to rip it out of the yard (she's already threatened to once because she doesn't want to pay someone to prune it twice a year, plant hating bitch) I found my mind wandering back to a conversation I had with a good friend the other day. We were talking about growth and how the places we live and the friends we keep influence our progress (or lack thereof) to a point. Both of us have left behind family and more familiar places for experiences in a world far different from the one we first met in. While thinking of mutual friends still back in that area we wondered, did we change because we left? or did we leave because we needed the change and knew we wouldn't find it if we stayed there?

We've all heard the saying "You've gotta bloom where you're planted!" and for most of my life I have tried to take that sentiment to heart and grow even when I feel like I'm stuck in a place not nurturing me in the way I need. But I think perhaps that phrase is not always accurate. Granted, at times we do need to strive to bloom where we find ourselves, however I can think of instances when I needed more than just encouragement to keep my chin up--I needed to be transplanted to a whole new garden!

So how do we know when to bloom where we're planted versus hoping for a transplant? What about people we know who are stagnant in the environment they find themselves in? When do they (and we) realise you've "...gotta go where you can grow!" as my friend said?

The answer I think comes when we remember that each one of us is a different plant.

Some of us are like hybrid tea roses that need delicately balanced environments in order to flourish or else we suffer from stunted growth and rarely bloom, failing to reach our full potential because we never had the nourishment we needed to do so.

Others are potted plants that live comfortably within the confines of their pot, slowly growing as they go indoors and outdoors, according to the seasons and what suits them best. They may not have the most spectacular growth, but they keep at a steady pace and generally mind their own business, soaking up food and water as they're given and every once in a while they get an upgrade to a bigger pot!

Me? I'm the crazy bougainvillea climbing the side of our flat, bright fuchsia flowers spilling all over the place! Planted in a less than ideal spot I tend to send out feeler shoots that weave their way near and far, looking for solid support. Once I find some I grab on and end up places I'd never dreamed, drinking in sunlight to spur on my growth. At times I get cut back for whatever reason and feel discouraged, but once I've had time to regroup I start all over again (often times stubbornly doing the same thing as before *snort*). Not one to stay in one place, I seem to maintain quite a broad existence as I constantly seek out the things I need to continue to grow--even if it means taking on the roof!

So how do you grow?

It's the end...

2008-12-01T00:07:00.000+13:00

....of November as we know it, and I feel fine! *giggling*

I've made it through NaBloPoMo November!! Thank you for reading all my ramblings for the past 2 months! I won't be doing the December one because I won't be in town for a bit around my anniversary and after that we'll be dealing with gearing up for our move! *gasp* We're not going to think that far ahead though or I might go crazy.

On the other hand, NaNoWriMo didn't go so well. BUT my final word count is 12,894, which is more than I had at the beginning of the month!! So I'm counting it a success anyway, even though it's not the 50,000. It's alright, I'll keep working on it though!

I can't believe it's December already! Where the fuck does the time go? I will try keeping my blog up because I think it'll be therapeutic when I'm not trying to get posts in under a deadline.

So cheers everybody and pat yourselves on the back if you even attempted NaBloPoMo or NaNoWriMo! It's the journey not the destination, right? ;-P

Oh the things my mind wonders...

2008-11-30T23:56:00.004+13:00

What makes some struggle with so much and still stick their chins out and keep going no matter how hard they get knocked down, while for others one small thing makes them fall to pieces and never try to get up again?

A blog post DinerGirl (you should read her blog, she has a way with words and her posts are shorter than mine!) wrote recently made that question (and others) spring up yet again in my mind. It's a question I mull over all the time and have talked about at length with many friends, we still don't have any firm conclusions. But I wonder do the things we go through have something to do with it?

I think of some of my close friends and wonder what the hell it is that keeps them going, no matter how many punches they take in this world.

P., who struggles with bipolar disorder (a diagnosis that took far too long and whom misdiagnoses and mistreatment almost killed), and yet is bravely fighting through those early twenties years, trying to conquer the things that do their best to knock her down. I see myself in her every time we talk. I remember how bad those years were for me and I'm trying desperately to be for her what I needed so much and no one would be for me. She'll make it through this period in her life and I can't even imagine the places she'll go.

J., who fights with anxiety and depression that try to choke the life out of her. A childhood that gave her many of the same issues I myself deal with, an ex who could have been the death of her, and two beautiful girls she's trying to raise in the midst of it all who she worries every day will grow up to struggle with the same things that haunt her. She juggles a million things everyday and yet bit by bit is getting closer to making a stable life for herself and her girls.

S., whose life experiences should be a best selling book. One minutes you'd be laughing and the next crying your heart out over the things she's been through. And yet, she is one of the most compassionate people I know. She'd give you the shirt off of her back and her shoes too if she thought you needed them. On top of the clinical depression she lives with every day, she has a teenage son who is going through his own psychological complexities that take more out of her than most people would be willing to go through for their children. Says a lot, doesn't it? She's tried to check out of this world several times but somehow never succeeded, and now stays in it so that she can be the advocate her son needs.

M., who I swear is my twin lost at birth. The two of us living in the same city would probably be more than any town could take. Quirkiness feeds off quirkiness and multiplies I think. It's okay though, we'd never get anywhere because we'd lose the car keys we're so absent-minded and distracted! She deals with much of the same health issues I do and time after time swears off dealing with useless doctors who are too busy chatting with drug reps to give us the time of day. And yet she tries again eventually, because she wants to not just make it through the day, but be well. She can make me laugh 'til my stomach aches. That's priceless.

And Chris. Chris....well, we're married and best friends, that should tell you everything.

And there are others... Every person I've mentioned above inspires some part of my life (including you DG) and I am thankful for them every day. They've come into my life in the oddest ways (most I met online!) and it seems to me that I collect them, these people that I can see elements of myself in, who resonate with something in me. And they keep on coming. I'm still surprised when it happens and yet I'm not, because I decided years ago to bring into my life people who help me be my true self instead of who they think I should be.

But what keeps them going? What makes them hit what seems like rock bottom repeatedly and they lay there for a minute, take a deep breath, and start hauling themselves up again? They have every right to stay down for the count and say they're done trying and yet they don't. And how do I know that? Because they are still living and breathing and creating beauty in their lives. They are still reaching their hands out to others who seem to be drowning and offering a semi-normal conversation, or a smile, or a soothing word. They help me breathe when the anxieties and obsessive thoughts that crowd my brain and restrict my life get the best of me. They give me the love, compassion, understanding, grace, and support that I can give everyone else but myself. I guess they give me what I try to give them.

Where does that come from, when others I know--who have been through far less--use the things they deal with to justify the hate they spread and the pain they inflict on others?

I still don't have any answers to those questions, but I think the ability to hope and to self analyse have something to do with it.

Change of plans...

2008-11-29T23:59:00.004+13:00

I meant to blog something else today, but while listening through the music I got cheap from Amazon.com I came across this song on the Jason Mraz's new CD "We Sing. We Dance. We Steal Things." It's not a CD I would have picked up at full price simply because I don't have any of his other music (although what I have heard of his music I've liked) so I decided to chance it and I'm so glad I did.

This song feels like a warm hug being offered to someone who feels like their world is spinning out of control and they need someone to steady them. Rumor is he wrote it for a friend going through a hard time (whose answering machine message you hear at the beginning, and then another one at the end.)

I love it so much it's going on my music player for those moments when I need to remember to breathe. It says all the things I try to tell everyone else when they feel like their entire world is unraveling.

Details in the Fabric

Calm down, deep breaths
And get yourself dressed
Instead of running around
And pulling on your threads
And breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it
If it's a broken arm, then brace it
If it's a broken heart, then face it

And hold your own, know your name
And go your own way.
Hold your own, know your name
And go your own way.
And everything, will be fine.

Hang on, help is on the way
And stay strong, I'm doing everything

Hold your own, know your name
And go your own way.
Hold your own, know your name
And go your own way.
And everything,
Everything will be fine
Everything...

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts, results of static cling?
All the things that make you blow
Hell no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked,
It's just the fault of faulty manufacturing
Everything, will be fine
Everything, in time
Everything...

Hold your own, know your name
And go your own way.
Hold your own,
(are the details in the fabric)
Know your name
(are the things that make you panic)
And go your own way
(are your thoughts, results of static cling?)

Hold your own,
(are the details in the fabric)
Know your name
(are the things that make you panic)
And go your own way
(is it mother nature's sewing machine?)

Hold your own,
(are the things that make you blow)
Know your name
(hell no reason, go on and scream)
And go your own way.
(if you're shocked, it's just the fault of faulty manufacturing)

Everything, will be fine
Everything, in no time at all
Hearts will hold...

Thanksgiving

2008-11-28T23:55:00.004+13:00

I've been trying to write a blog post about Thanksgiving for the last hour and it's just not working. Nothing goes together, some of it sounds cheesy, some cynical and sarcastic, some highly pessimistic, and the majority of it--downright blah. So instead of a coherent post, all you're gonna get is random things scattered all over the place and squished together. Sort of how a dinner plate looks on Thanksgiving now that I think about it. *snort*

1. I wonder what Native Americans think about Thanksgiving? Having some Native blood myself (as do a good portion of Americans) I can't help but think about how on the one hand Native Americans saved the starving asses of people who landed on their shore and then were killed and stripped of their land by others who followed after once America started to look attractive to their pockets.

2. Isn't it kind of funny how the whole nation that was participating in the "What I'm thankful for..." lovefest the day before, suddenly transform into a rabid, psychotic crowd that push, shove, and if need be, fight their way through crowds of shoppers to get a good deal on that toy Tommy has to have for Christmas or the big screen TV they've been drooling after? Those crowds are mean! Let's hope no one gets hurt this year.

3. Have you ever noticed how incredibly reluctant everyone is to go home for the holidays...and yet they go home for the holidays!?! What is this ritualistic torture we all put ourselves through every year? I mean, I'm thankful for my family even though they really drive me nuts sometimes, but some people's families get into knock down, drag out fights at Thanksgiving dinner, and yet they still do it every year! This is yet another reason why I think we are a nation full of masochists. Do you think the puritanical roots of the early settlers have anything to do with it? Mixed in with all that Catholic guilt from the later droves of immigrants (think Irish and Hispanic). Yeah. We have guilt issues.

4. I'm thankful for a shitload of things that I can't even put into words. I could try, but I'll forget something and then feel guilty about it! Damn it, there goes that guilt again, see what I mean about guilt issues? Fine, to override my worry over guilt, I'll list some of the things that I'm thankful for anyway! In no particular order (because if I try and order it this will never get listed): Chris, my family (even though they piss me off), friends that I love as family, my doggie family that I miss wickedly in the US, the Internets, music, $5 CD Mp3 sales on Amazon.com (yes, they do, right now, go see!), a dentist that I'm not afraid to go see, that I can afford health care even though the doctors I see make me want to punch them in the face sometimes, Barack Obama (and please lets hope he appears on this list again next year!), the experience of living in another country and all the things it has opened my eyes to, strawberries, a stable relationship that makes all the instability in my life bearable (I didn't think that was possible, but it is), that I goaded myself into starting this NaBloPoMo thing almost 2 months ago and have kept up with it (I thought for sure I'd bomb out), the ebb and flow of my life and moods--they sure do keep things interesting, sense of humor (both mine and in others), the experiences of this past year--good and bad they are what they are and have helped shape me into the person I am at this moment and I can honestly say even though some days I don't like myself very much, I'm not half bad and I'm a million times happier than I was 10 years ago.

5. Oh, and one more thing! I'm thankful for the handful of people who read my blog. You are all so very brave to check out my odd ramblings and postings every day! *snort* Thank you for being a part of my life and letting me be a part of yours. You are worth more than you know.

Some people should not own pets.

2008-11-27T23:58:00.001+13:00

Today was a beautiful, sunny, clear blue sky, early summer kind of day here in New Zealand. After my acupuncture appointment and a late lunch, Chris and I went hunting for a better quality water bottle than the one I'm currently using. The search was for the most part useless because I can't find what I'm looking for here (or anywhere if internet searches are any indication!).

After checking all the stores in the shopping area that might carry something like that, we hopped in the car to head home. As we were driving through the parking lot I noticed a guy closing the door to his car rather awkwardly, trying to make sure the dog inside didn't wiggle its way out. On the walkway above a woman I assume was his wife waved at him to hurry up. So he dashed off to catch up with her before the traffic lights changed so they could cross the street.

Being the dog lover I am, I craned my neck to make sure the windows were cracked several inches (Chris had driven past by then) and couldn't see any open on the driver's side! I looked over at Chris and said "I think that guy just left his dog in the car in this heat with no windows down!" Chris turned the car around to drive back past and sure enough, there were no windows open on the passenger's side either, the little poodle looking dog was barking in protest of being left in the car. "Why would someone do that?" I said...then thought, well, maybe they were just going in to pick up milk or get a coffee at the nearby cafe and would be back within a few minutes. It wouldn't excuse not leaving a window open a few inches, but the dog would be alright if it was for just 5 minutes. At this point we were on the road and headed in the direction of home, but I just couldn't let it go. I felt ill over it and started crying because I was so pissed off. Chris asked me what I thought we could do, since we didn't have any number to call. I said I had no idea, but that it just wasn't right for people to leave their dog locked up in a car with no fresh air. So Chris turned the car around and said "Well, we'll just sit there and watch to make sure they come out really soon." So we parked where the car was in view, but there was no sign of the owners, and by then the dog had been in the car for almost 10 minutes.

In the shopping center there was a pet store so I told Chris to go in and see if a store associate would know what to do or who to call in case they didn't come let the dog out, since IMO 10+ minutes with the sun that strong would heat the car up to a miserable temp, even though it was in a spot with partial shade. Our car felt like an oven when we came out to it earlier and it had only been sitting for maybe 20-30 minutes. Chris went in there and came back out with the number to the local SPCA and said the store associate said we should call and report it, since obviously it was to the point where the car had to be quite hot inside, it was 15 minutes now.

So Chris walked over to the car to make sure that there were indeed no windows open, then called the SPCA and gave them the license plate number and location of the car. They said they'd send someone over right away, but they were unfortunately some distance away in rush hour traffic. 20 minutes passed and the dog was spending most of its time in the lower part of the car and not barking anymore.

At 25 minutes the SPCA officer called Chris' cell phone to let us know that she was still miles away but they had traced the plates and were able to call the owners and they were coming out to let the dog out of the car. The 5 minutes it took for the owner to come strolling out of the store felt like an eternity. He opened the door, then hunted around for a leash for 3-4 minutes before that poor dog was able to get out of the car! Then about a minute later his wife came trotting out, laughing and waving her hand at the guy. Neither one had groceries in their hand. What does that say? They weren't even done shopping after 30 minutes of the dog being in the car!! How much longer would they have strolled around in the nice, air conditioned store while their dog slowly suffocated in the car?

The only thing that kept me from jumping out of the car and screaming at them for their complete lack of consideration for the animal they were fawning over was the knowledge that an SPCA officer had their names, number, knew where they lived, and would be paying them a visit to educate them about what 30 minutes in a car could do to their pet if the day had been any hotter. And BTW, they weren't a young couple either, they had to be in their early 50's I think, so you can't even blame it on them being clueless kids.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?? Dogs are not toys they are living, breathing beings that feel heat and cold just like we do. In fact, they are even more susceptible to the heat because they have a fur coat on 24/7 and don't sweat the same way we do! We had to sit anguishing over whether it was hot enough for the dog to suffocate before someone came to let it out, all the while feeling like a big meanie for calling the SPCA and hoping that they'd learn their lesson today without any harm coming to the innocent animal involved, while the owners went shopping! I'm sure they didn't mean any ill will toward their dog, but if you're going to own a pet you need to be conscious of their needs and understand what is and isn't safe for them.

You'd better believe if that dog had stopped pacing in that car I would have done whatever I had to to get it out. In most states in the US it is illegal to leave your dog in the car for any amount of time, cracked windows or not, and a police officer or Good Samaritan can break your window to get the dog out thanks to animal cruelty laws.

On a hot, sunny day in many areas of the world, 5 minutes is all it takes for a car to heat up above 130 degrees F, and in that climate, 10-15 minutes in a sealed car can suffocate a child or a pet.

Happy Music

2008-11-26T23:18:00.002+13:00

Life is a bit...interesting lately. Why is it when you already have a full plate someone comes along trying to add the helping of potato salad that will make your styrofoam plate break in two?? Not cool. But things will all get sorted out in time, right? Let us hope so...

In other news, all my peoples are dealing with shit in their lives that have got them down and in a funk! That's not cool either, even though I understand it's just something we all go through and in time things will come out right. But in the meantime, I say to you, my peoples (and if you're reading this, you're one of my peoples, so listen up), life is a big pile of drama for me too, I feel you, I do, and I wish that I could fix it, but I haven't figured out how to do that yet (my magic wand won't work). So in the meantime, crank up the sound on your computer (or even better-put headphones on) and have a happy song moment with me! No, it doesn't solve all the ills of this world, but music is my drug, the only thing that really takes the edge off for me, and it's all I have to offer you (well, that and an Inbox that is always open for venting). Now, I can't promise this will work for you because I found this song after an hour of hard rock music (my go-to music when I'm not happy) and was in the right place to hear it. But just in case you get a bit of a buzz from dance/trance music, here's a dose!

Watching the original version of that song by Duncan Sheik is worthwhile, the video is comical. The best part of the song? The lyrics. Have a read while you listen to the mix.

"On A High"

I'm on a high, I'm on a high
there's nothing more to it.
We are the sea and the sky
and the blue that runs through it, yeah.

and there are some who say there are so many things I need
so I run or I fight and I crawl or I scream and I bleed
I bleed, I bleed

well, it's a lie it's a lie - don't you believe it.
if you're fine then you're fine - it's all how you see it.
oh, there never will be no conspiracy of happiness.

I'm on a high I'm on a high
and there's nothing more to it
I have the sun, it's a star
why should I refuse it

and there are so many reasons I could give you why I should be down
there's not enough money or time and my love you're not around
around, around

but it's a lie it's a lie - don't you believe it.
if you're fine then you're fine - it's all how you see it.
oh, there never will be no conspiracy of happiness.

you're alive you're alive - how else could you hear me?
you are fine, you are fine - there's nothing worth fearing
'cause there never will be no conspiracy of happiness

I'm on a high, on a high
we are the sea and the sky
I'm on a high, on a high
I'm on a high

It's a lie, It's a lie don't you believe it
'Cause I've tried and I've tried, and I can't really see it
Yeah, I'm trapped inside my conspiracy of happiness
said I was yours, you were mine but I didn't really mean it
and I lied and I lied
and I wish you hadn't seen it
'cause I'm trapped inside my conspiracy of happiness
I'm on a high, on a high, there's nothing more to it, yeah.

Every bird should get to fly!

2008-11-25T23:51:00.000+13:00

The cuteness of this is too much. My friend Su made me watch this last night and it sure did brighten up my evening. I think it's impossible to watch it and not smile. Watch the little penguin, he looks like he's having the best time!

I watched this twice before I realised it was actually a commercial for lotto. LOL

Stickers on laptops--why?

2008-11-24T23:12:00.002+13:00

I'm selling my laptop to a friend (it's only about a year old) because we came across a great deal on a new one for a fraction of its original sale price and I needed an upgrade. Yay! While comparing the two I noticed I've been picking around the edges of the stickers on the older one. I don't remember doing it at all, in fact I've been trying really hard to leave them alone!

What is with the stickers anyway? Are they like adware-sticker style? Will computer manufacturers start auctioning off the "sticker spaces" to the highest bidder, you know, sort of like SUN auctioning for whose bull shit tool bars to include with their JAVA downloads? I get that some people think certain stickers (like ones indicating the processor or graphics card) give them visual bragging rights to the awesomeness of whatever is housed inside the plastic/metal shell, but I'm not big on the whole name brand thing and I'm not geeky enough to get a little tingly in my pants over the specs of a laptop! Do others not notice this, or do they just not care? Am I the only one who can't ignore the giant eyesores stuck below the keyboard?

Chris asked me why I don't just take them off and I don't have a good answer. There isn't any crucial info on them, it's only the ones with the warranty number and such on the underside of the computer that have to be left alone. So why do I not feel like I can just take the unimportant ones off? Hmmm...

I know, we can blame it on my childhood! *snort* I've been getting in trouble for peeling labels, stickers, band-aids, price tags, etc...since I was a little kid. When things are smooth and seem like they belong, I'm okay with leaving them be. But as soon as one little corner starts to lift up or the sticker looks like it doesn't belong there, I can't leave them alone until I've peeled them off! Unless of course I've been forbidden to do so, then I just THINK about peeling them off and try desperately to ignore them.

I guess since the stickers are on there all official looking I took it to mean I wasn't allowed to mess with them. But am I wrong? Can I really take them off? No one is going to give me hell for it like I got when I tore the tag off my pillow as a kid? Am I really asking this question? Why has it never occured to me that I could take the ugly things off!?!

Welcome to the 21st Century!

2008-11-23T23:58:00.001+13:00

Obama will be continuing the tradition of those before him by making weekly addresses to the nation, but in addition to the radio version, there will be YouTube editions! Yes, even once he takes office! Seems like the major internet presence he had during the campaign season will be put to good use in the coming days and I for one think it's a good thing. I mean, come on, I just watched his weekly address and didn't scream obscenities or have to stomp off to the other room to keep from breaking the screen (both common occurences with Bush's lovely chats to the nation), so that's sayin' something.

Welcome to the 21st century bitches, the presidency will never be the same...

(Yes I know I posted a video with captioning, I LOVE captions.)

No Bravery

2008-11-22T21:53:00.002+13:00

I've heard many a song about war, but somehow had not heard this one until today. Blunt served in Kosovo as an officer in the British Army and while there wrote this song. I can't even begin to imagine the images that must flash through his mind every time he sings this song. The lyrics are gut wrenching enough, but watching him sing them just....wow.

No Bravery by James Blunt

There are children standing here,
Arms outstretched into the sky,
Tears drying on their face.
He has been here.
Brothers lie in shallow graves.
Fathers lost without a trace.
A nation blind to their disgrace,
Since he's been here.

And I see no bravery,
No bravery in your eyes anymore.
Only sadness.

Houses burnt beyond repair.
The smell of death is in the air.
A woman weeping in despair says,
He has been here.
Tracer lighting up the sky.
It's another family's time to die
A child afraid to even cry out says,
He has been here.

And I see no bravery,
No bravery in your eyes anymore.
Only sadness.

There are children standing here,
Arms outstretched into the sky,
But no one asks the question why,
He has been here.
Old men kneel and accept their fate.
Wives and daughters cut and raped.
A generation drenched in hate.
Yes, he has been here.

And I see no bravery,
No bravery in your eyes anymore.
Only sadness.

9 days and counting...

2008-11-21T23:55:00.001+13:00

Okay, I give... NaNoWriMo has kicked my ass big time. Or should I say everything else going on this month has kicked my ass and NaNoWriMo has not gotten as much effort as I intended to give it? Either way, my word count is sadly lacking and I don't forsee being able to write 37,000+ words in the next week. *sighs*

I'm trying to tell myself that it's fine, I've given it my best shot considering all the other things I've been juggling this month. But really, I'm still rather annoyed with myself over the whole thing! MEH.

On a totally unrelated note, have I said lately how much I'm going to miss the incredible coffee I get here when we move to the US? With the exception of Starbucks, until I moved here I had no concept of the glorious wonders of espresso and how divine 2 shots of it are topped with some steamed milk and dusted with cinnamon... And how about the days when a healthy dose of chocolate finds itself swirled into the brew for a slightly sweet but not in any way sugary (if they make it right) dessert? Before moving here I didn't think it was possible to actually enjoy coffee without copious amounts of sugar and creamer. Oh how wrong I was!

Do you think I can fit a barrista and espresso machine in my suitcase?

Napolitano?

2008-11-20T23:57:00.001+13:00

While I was reading an article on Huffington Post about Obama's possible pick of Janet Napolitano for Homeland Security Secretary and in the comment section several people linked to this video of Charlie Rose interviewing Napolitano and Palin about being women and governors. Check it out:

Of course, as would be expected, they are as different as night and day. Palin as usual never really answers any questions at all (although she sure does have a lot to say about energy, her favorite talking point even back then) and it's really funny to hear her talking about her opinions of what the upcoming elections would bring--the interview was done in 2007.

One of my favorite parts of the interview is when Rose asks Palin if she knows exactly what Bush administration's energy policy is and all she says is "Well, we hear about it through the media, yes!" and Napolitano then says sarcastically to Rose "You're assuming there is one...I'm looking for it..." and then shifts the conversation back to things a governor has to deal with. *snort*

I don't know if Napolitano will end up with the job, but what I know of her right now makes me think that if she does, we'll be gaining a strong, intelligent woman who is well versed in the issues this administration will have to deal with, unlike the one sitting across the table from her in that interview.

Spammy McSpammers!

2008-11-19T23:41:00.000+13:00

Ever notice the bossiness of spammers? I was deleting a spam post today and I read this disclaimer at the bottom:

This is not spam!
You recived this messege because you are a member at yahoogroups
You can send any messege to the group address %RECIPIENTEMAIL%!
friend!

Am I the only one amused by this? It really strikes me as funny how they say that! It's like "Sure this looks like spam and reads like spam and you have 80 messages in your spam folder that are identical to this, but this is not spam because I snuck on this mailing list and spewed a shitload of spam in the last few hours before a moderator caught me, so you just have to suck it up and enjoy! Spamalicious baby!!"

*falls over laughing*

A sense of humor is essential to maintaining one's sanity while sorting through thousands of junk emails.

I need some tissues...

2008-11-18T23:59:00.004+13:00

Ever have a song's lyrics catch you completely off guard? This one did that to me today:

I was just minding my own business, randomly playing music on playlist.com and suddenly I was tearing up! The key is to turn it up with headphones out and not watch the video. Just close your eyes for a bit and soak it in...exactly the way good music should be enjoyed.

If that one doesn't make you feel a bit mushy, try this one:

What? Still dry eyed? Alright, but it's not my fault I had to pull this one out. If you'd just cried at Damien or Sinead you could have been spared this one:

His voice conveyed the rawness that I think is missing in a lot of other covers of that song. I find myself wondering how he'd sound singing that now, 10+ years later, but that's one we'll never know...*shakes head*

Books books books...how I love them.

2008-11-17T23:58:00.002+13:00

Read any good books lately?

I'm reading Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. Estes is a Jungian psychoanalyst who in the book tells stories from all different cultures and then gives interpretations of them and how the relate to Jungian archetypes and the different phases of our lives as women.

Considering my love for both ancient myths and Jung, I'm surprised I haven't come across the book before. A friend is reading it and ordered me to read it as well (so she'd have someone to read it with). I'm not very far into it, but I can already tell it's one of those books you read bit by bit, taking time to digest every little piece before you move on to the next bite, in order to fully take in what is being said. I LOVE books like that. Since it looks like a pretty good book and the women I know who have already read it years ago have given it rave reviews, I've decided to give it out as early Christmas presents to a few friends and my sister so I can see the different perspectives. I figure the more points of view, the better. The women in my life are quite diverse as far as ages and lifestyles, so that will make it all the better!

All my holiday gifts this year are books coming from Better World Books. I'm a huge fan of giving books as gifts and since most of my family and friends are voracious readers it works out in my favor. Better World Books sells both new and used books with free carbon neutral shipping within the US and $3.97 shipping worldwide. The sales of their books go to help fund literacy programs both in the US and worldwide, and they even run a buy-back program where they'll pay for you to ship donated books to them! Buying used books is a great form of recycling IMO, plus you get more books for your money and who can resist that??

So, if you've got gifts to give this year, check out their website. And if you're looking for something to get your brain churning, read Women Who Run With the Wolves with me!!

Nonsense

2008-11-16T23:51:00.000+13:00

I have nothing to blog about tonight. Nothing of any substance at all! So I'm going to instead ramble nonesense for a few paragraphs so I can feel that I've made my daily contribution to this blog, since it seems to be the only Na-WhatTheFuckEver I can accomplish!

I've had a relatively interesting day, but not the sort of interesting that you blog about, since really the interesting parts are all mundane.

I'm still itching from the weird sun rash, which may be a photosensitive rash thanks to the 1,000 mg King Kong dosage of Naprosyn I take every day! I'm not impressed.

I think I should chop off my hair. Or at least a good 6 inches of it. I could keep babying it and going through shitloads of conditioner and pretending it's okay, but it's not. I love my long hair, but I made a vow when I started growing it out years ago that if it ever got to the point that it looked blah and lifeless, then I would cut it off. It's better to have short, healthy hair than frizzy, damaged hair. I don't believe in long hair for the sake of long hair. So now I'm just trying to talk myself into letting someone chop it off...meh.

Oh...I just remembered that there is a container of perfectly ripe strawberries in the other room! *does a happy dance* I know, a happy dance over strawberries?? But you just don't understand how much I love berries and how bloody long I've been waiting for them to be ready! I have to ration them to myself or I'll eat too many too soon in the season and get the strawberry rash, which then means you can't have them again that summer! Needless to say been there, done that as a kid and it was one tragically depressing summer.

And with that I'll end my contentless yabber. Hopefully tomorrow I'll have something more worthwhile to write about! Like, maybe some progress on that writing thing that shall remain nameless.

The sun is so mean to me...

2008-11-15T23:57:00.002+13:00

It is! Yesterday Chris and I drove 2 hours south to Hamilton (a smaller city in NZ) to get a computer that was on clearance for $400 cheaper than originally, and they had one of the only stores left in NZ that had any in stock. Yes, this is what happens when one is married to a computer geek, but I love Hamilton (and this was a perfect excuse to get away from the computer for a day and truthfully, NaNoWriMo *snort*) so I wasn't complaining any!

Hamilton is famous here for "Hamilton Gardens". It's huge, full of gardens representing designs and plants from all over the world. Twice before we've been to Hamilton and managed to run out of time with other things (or end up with shit weather), so when we saw it was supposed to be a clear day we decided to go walk the gardens and take pictures (I'll post them eventually).

Since we were going to be outdoors in the brutal NZ sun, we both doused ourselves with sunscreen and took advantage of the shade when possible. I lucked out and didn't burn at all, so we'll be using that sunscreen all summer! A soak in tepid bath water last night still didn't bring out any burn, so I figured I'd gotten away with the 2-3 hours out in the sun, right? NOPE

Earlier today I noticed my arms felt like they had tiny bumps on them, you know, like I was covered in goosebumps, but they weren't goosebumps? I call it a sun rash. Usually the bumps go away within a week and don't bother me much, but not this time. I'm sitting here itching up a storm and the raised bumps are pinkish and now along the tops of my hands, fingers, cheeks, and upper chest. Basically, anywhere the sun hit. WTF is up with that?

Doctors always laugh when I say sometimes I think I'm allergic to the sun...little do they know how it really is. I've had the rash for years, but this is the worst it's been. I don't think it's the fault of the Plaquenil though because I was on it last year and as long as I was careful about sunscreen and being in the shade as much as possible I only got the rash if I started to burn.

This doesn't bode well for the rest of the summer 'cause the sun will only get more intense as we head into December.

OMG somebody make the itching stop! Alright, I gotta go Google to see if I can find something to help 'cause this is so not cool.

Desiderata

2008-11-14T01:34:00.000+13:00

Desiderata

by Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Extinction?

2008-11-13T23:56:00.002+13:00

Why should we ban gay marriage?

Extinction.

Yeah, that's right. I've heard a lot of reasons lately, but that one had me laughing my head off earlier today! I wish I could find where I read it, but the gist of it was something like 'If we continue to permit the gay lifestyle then as more and more people choose to be gay, there will be less couples to procreate and eventually we will become extinct. Sure it won't happen in our lifetime, but it will happen if this continues to go on.'

Yes, they were dead serious.

I suppose then that we should ban infertility, nuns, priests, virgins, menopause, erectile dysfunction, voluntary celibacy, and all sex acts that are not pro-creative...oh wait, places have already done that last one! *snort*

What is it to you?

2008-11-12T21:19:00.001+13:00

Please, watch this, then tell me, what is it to you?

You can read the full text of this clip here.

Wind of Change

2008-11-11T23:55:00.002+13:00

The past few weeks this song has been playing in my head. Tonight it wouldn't quit, so I had to go hunt down the video. Whenever I hear this song I immediately think of being a child and hearing about the fall of the Berlin Wall. Even though I was quite young at the time, I sensed it was an important event happening in the world around me.

I remember lying in the back of my parents car one night maybe a year later, watching the streetlights zip by in the darkness as we were headed home. The haunting whistling of this song filled my ears as I wondered what a wind of change would look like.

I think we all saw it last week, blowing through the US. Beautiful, wasn't it?

May it continue to blow and bring down the walls that the last 8 years have built between us and the rest of the world.

"The world is closing in, did you ever think
that we could be so close, like it brothers?
The future’s in the air, I can feel it everywhere
blowing with the wind of change.

Take me to the magic of the moment on a glory night,
where the children of tomorrow dream away
in the wind of change."

-Scorpions "Wind of Change"

On and on and on...

2008-11-10T23:35:00.002+13:00

On Dentists--I have the most kickass dentist in the world. That's high praise coming from a major dental-phobe. I have more to say about him and the wonderful office he and his brother run, but for now, this will have to do. I've had 2 teeth pulled by him in the last week, both which were broken for various reasons. Most would opt to have them surgically removed since often trying to pull them causes the whole tooth to break, in which case they have to then go surgical and cut it out with some of the bone. But he was up for trying to get them out without all that and in the end they came out without breaking because the man has skills and is so damn patient!

Granted, I could feel some of the pulling today, fuck did that hurt! But it's not his fault they can't deaden the nerve there. The main nerve that gives sensation to the lip/chin area on that side of my jaw runs close to the root area of my back teeth, which can make numbing up a challenge, and since I already have problems with local anesthetic wearing off too fast or not working at all, that doesn't help matters. He did get it numbed better than anyone else ever has though, so kudos to the man!

I'm looking into ways to clone him (along with my Rheumatologist) so I can take them to the US with me 'cause I've never had such great care before. Usually I cry over having to go see the dentist, and now I'm going to end up crying over having to leave this dentist! What is the world coming to?

On week 2 of mushy foods--I miss my fresh, crunchy fruits and veggies, and I miss chewing food! LOL

On NaNoWriMo--Anyone else notice that a goal turns into a convenient whip in the hands of an obsessive perfectionist?? I am so guilty of that, and it's gotta stop. I've over the last few years been able to temper my inclinations towards things like that pretty well, but obviously I have more work to do in that area.

So I'm taking the wisdom on the topic that Jackie said in response to my last blog post and reminding myself that in the same way I've learned to give myself grace about other things, I need to be all zen-like about this as well. If I hit 50,000, WOO HOO!! If I don't, well, I still have more than when I began. One needs to enjoy the journey and release our attachment to the finish line, right? That doesn't mean we never reach any of our goals because we don't strive for them. Not at all. It just means remembering that the journey is just as important (if not more so) than meeting the goal we've set, and that as long as we've learned things and gained new experiences along the way, it's still a win, even if we don't reach our goal the first time around.

That said, I'm still going to try my damnedest to reach it! I wrote a shitload last night, so my count is a bit over 11,000 right now, but a lot of that is very "stream of consciousness" and random. I think it'll help give me topics on which to expound on at a later time this month, so it's all good!

Keep up the good work all my NaNo writers out there!!

My NaNoWriMo word count is mocking me!

2008-11-09T18:21:00.002+13:00

Yes, it totally is. It's bad! I must confess that I actually haven't written anything since Nov.4th...today is the 9th, 5 days people, 5 bloody days behind!

"Why so behind?" you ask. Take damn elections in the US and NZ mixed with a little misery from my missing tooth, heaping spoonfuls of disbelief, sorrow, and angst over the whole anti-gay ballot initiatives passing, and a really generous dash of "psycho-bitch" attitude that I've had going on for the last 3 days, blend well with ice, pour into a lovely sugar rimmed glass and you too can have a taste of the potent brew (otherwise known as the emotional disaster that lives in my mind) that I've been intoxicated with the last few days!

In that state it seems I can't focus my brain enough to write things I actually have to think deeply about! *sighs* I woke up this morning thinking that maybe the nice me would make an appearance today so that I could get something useful done. After getting a slow start to the morning I decided to make pancakes for lunch to experiment with the coconut flour my mom sent from the US. Didn't work quite as well as I'd hoped for, which caused me to "tweak" things a bit, and things got worse and then....my not so sane self took over and for the millionth time this week Chris gave me that look that says "Who are you and what the hell have you done with my Wahz?" (Wahz--Chris' nickname for me)

Yeah.

Note to self: Do not attempt cooking when psychoself is lurking in the shadows, ready to have a nervous breakdown over every little imperfection!

So now, hours later, I'm writing this blogpost so that one more thing can be crossed off my list of "Excuses to use in order to procrastinate from working on NaNoWriMo". My work-in-progress is open, as is my NaNoWriMo profile with my word count. They are staring at me, mocking me for ignoring them for the past week. Since when did text files and word counts get so mouthy?

I swear though, readers of my blog, I WILL make progress on my wordcount today! If for no other reason than I don't want to be a whole week behind...and I'm having a wisdom tooth taken out tomorrow. I know, 2 teeth out within a week of each other? Bit masochistic of me, but I'm terribly impatient and would rather it all be done and over with as soon as possible.

Liberals in NZ are not dancing in the streets tonight...

2008-11-08T23:50:00.001+13:00

NZ election results tonight have shown a "changing of the guard" so to speak, not one that the left wing wanted to see though! National has won a substantial portion of the votes and it looks as if the next Prime Minister will be from their party, Prime Minister-Elect John Key.

That doesn't mean much to many people outside the country, but lets just say in a way NZ went in the opposite direction of what the US did earlier this week. Well, with the exception of the fact that like Obama, John Key is a relatively young guy (47) who has been in the national political scene a relatively short time (just 6 years), he's seen as a bit of a centrist, and has energised the National Party this election year. I mean, come on, he used a similar "Vote for Change" mantra.

It's no big surprise really, change was in the air here too, and the Labour Party has been in charge for the last 9 years, so that's the way it goes I guess. *sighs*

Should be quite interesting to see what happens with the National Party in the coming months!

Now it's the Kiwis Turn!

2008-11-07T23:58:00.001+13:00

Tomorrow is Election Day here in New Zealand! Chris has been walking around talking about all things Green (being a Green Party supporter), and while I was sitting here Wednesday waiting for polls on the East Coast of the US to close, Chris was off attending a lunch for Green supporters to talk about what the party was aiming to do after this election.

All the election fever has caused a good many interesting discussions between Chris and I about the differences in the election process of each country. I find New Zealand's method of doing things fascinating. Here's a rundown of how this country decides its leaders:

New Zealand uses something called MMP (Mixed Member Proportional) voting. Each person has 2 votes. One vote is the electorate vote--the person who will represent your region (similar to districts in the US). The second vote is the party vote. That's the one that all the political parties court you for, they want that party vote, since the number of party votes they get across the country is directly proportional to the percentage of seats they will control in the House of Representatives (informally also called Parliament). In other words, each electorate votes to decide who will represent them in the House, and the rest of the seats are determined by the party vote.

Those that run for the electorate seat can be of any party (or even no party at all!). So how do the parties decide who will fill the allotted seats that are won in the party vote? They have a party list, which lists the order in which the party will fill the rest of the seats in. The highest slots on the list are as you can imagine, pretty sought after within each party. Each party has their own way of determining the listing order, but it is usually voted on by all its members.

A party has to receive either 5% of the party vote, or at least have one member win his/her electorate seat in order to receive any seats in Parliament at all. The New Zealand House of Reps has 120 seats total (much smaller than the House in the US). Every New Zealander who is eligible to vote MUST register, it's the law! However, the law doesn't require you vote, unlike say....Australia! Still, it is highly encouraged that you vote, and in general voter turnout is really good, the 2005 election had about 81% of eligible voters cast their vote!

Once the election happens and the votes are tallied, the fun begins! Since typically no one party gets 50% of the party vote, the race is on to negotiate an alliance with the smaller parties to make up the majority. This usually involves the two biggest parties in NZ politics (Labour and National) trying to one up each other in order to convince smaller parties (like Green, Maori, Act, NZ First, etc...) that they will provide a better fit for the policies of the party in question. Kind of like, if you join up with us, we'll make it worth your while...;-P This allows the smaller parties to have their voice heard and their main party issues given more consideration by the larger ones, which leads to a more diverse government that is a bit more representative of the vast array of political opinions of New Zealand citizens.

Once a coalition that totals more than 50% of the vote is formed, that's it! The government is then established by the ruling group and they dictate who the cabinet will be, and most importantly, who will be the Prime Minister. Usually the Prime Minister comes from the largest party within the coalition (in other words, from either Labour or National).

Labour is more left wing and National tends to be more right wing, although there have been historical occasions when each of those parties has stepped outside of such labels. Regardless of that, National is still not as conservative as say the Republican party in the US! The more extreme ends of the spectrum are occupied by some of the much smaller parties.

So there you have it! It's a bit more detailed than that, but at least you have the general idea. And if you're an American and reading this post, now you can give yourself props for knowing the election process of another country!! Because lets face it, while the world seems to watch ours, most of us don't pay much attention to the elections of other countries...but we should.

It couldn't be all good I guess...

2008-11-06T11:42:00.001+13:00

I woke up this morning, checked my email, read a few of the headlines rejoicing over the results of last night's election, and felt that joy and happiness well up inside me again, despite the horrible night of tolling and turning I had thanks to the whole tooth thing.

And then I read the news coming out about the ballot propositions and such proposed in Arizona, Arkansas, California, and Florida....and I've been crying ever since. Not just a little weepy but all out sobbing that unfortunately woke Chris up (I was trying to be quiet so Chris could sleep longer). I just couldn't hold it all in, my heart hurts too much.

Many of the same voters that helped carry Obama to win his bid for the White House last night turned around and voted for their states to legally discriminate against gay couples and in some, cohabiting couples and their ability to adopt/foster children. We certainly can't blame just the "conservatives" for that one, they were helped along by some who voted Democrat last night. And that is breaking my heart. This was not just a matter of semantics about the word "marriage", the propositions and act are broad discrimination on couples that for whatever reason are not within the "traditional bond of marriage", voted for by over half of the population in those states! Clear evidence that we have a long way to go in dispeling the lies that have been poured out by those who hate people different from them.

Now I will acknowledge that there is some good news in various other proposition races across the nation highlighted in that article, and I may talk about them at some point in the future, but today? Today I'm going to mourn the passing of the 4 mentioned above, because I think the movement deserves that. Last night showed us change can happen, and I DO believe that one day we WILL overcome this. But today I still find myself asking, when will our country be more than 'equality for some'?

Yes we can...and we DID!!!

2008-11-05T23:59:00.001+13:00

I can't find the words to express how incredible this day has been, but I'm gonna try since I have 30 minutes to get this post in before midnight..;-P

No, you know what? I still can't find the words. I've erased everything I've typed for the past 15 minutes. It's still sinking in...and it will continue to in the days ahead.

We listened to coverage of the election on NPR.org and the BBC, while a friend of mine kept feeding me live updates from Katie Couric and I frantically watched maps and liveblogging on several sites. It was a busy day here for a few hours. The votes came in much faster than I thought they would...and then the polls officially closed on the West Coast and the networks officially called the election as a win for Obama and the airwaves erupted with cheering from all across the nation, and the world!

McCain gave a very gracious concession speech. It reminded me of the McCain I came to love in 2000, the man who I thought I'd vote for if given the chance...a stark contrast to the man we saw during the course of this campaign. I remember how much it hurt to listen to Kerry's concession speech in 2004, so I can imagine what McCain's supporters are feeling tonight. I applaud him for stopping the booing from the crowd when he mentioned Obama's name. I know his supporters are feeling defeated tonight, and I'm sorry they are feeling that way...I'm not insensitive to their pain, but quite frankly I think we've earned the right to rejoice today!!

Watching Obama's speech I was struck by the difference in the crowd's response when Obama mentioned McCain..instead of booing we heard cheering. I'm glad Obama said what he did about McCain. His speech was beautiful, I sat here crying, deeply touched and unbelievably proud of our nation. I'm so glad that he will be representing our nation to the nations of the world! Can you imagine what it must have been like to be there in Grant Park tonight? I have to admit I'm rather jealous...but it's okay, because no matter where we are, Obama supporters the world over are celebrating with as much enthusiasm as those attending his speech did!

Today is Guy Fawke's Day in New Zealand (and many other countries in the Commonwealth). As is tradition, once the sun went down the fireworks started to fill the sky! We were driving to pick up a friend for dinner who had a rough job interview today, and I couldn't help remarking that even though I knew the real reason for the fireworks, it felt like all of New Zealand was celebrating with us. And let me tell you people--they are. People all over the world are celebrating with us this day! We sat and ate dinner at Denny's of all places, and I couldn't help but wonder what Denny's all across the US were looking like right about now. Packed full of exhausted supporters, faces awash in the euphoric high of realising their actions really do matter.

I imagine this will sink in more as the days go by, but right now I still feel like I'm in a bit of a daze. Part of me can't believe it actually has happened, and yet part of me knew it would happen all along. Why? Because of those of us who had the audacity to hope, dream, work, donate, vote, and believe that in the end enough people would be inspired to do those same things...and change the world.

That's right people....today, each voice, one by one brought change to our nation. Bask in it today...soak it all in...because tomorrow comes quickly and this journey is far from over!!

YES WE CAN.....YES WE DID.....YES WE WILL!!

Election Day!!

2008-11-04T23:51:00.000+13:00

It's finally here, Election Day. 2 years in the making, eh? Seems like this race has gone on forever, and yet suddenly we find ourselves at the end of it.

It's exciting and scary all at the same time. I love this 'standing on the edge of something, about ready to jump and yet reluctant to take that one last step that will plunge you into midair' kind of feeling. I've had it before in key moments of my life and I truly feel that this is a key moment for our nation. Tomorrow we will make history. We will either have the first African American President, or the first woman Vice-President. Readers of this blog know all too well which one I'd prefer to see happen when the votes are counted, but even though I have my preferences, I fervently wish that everyone gets out and takes advantage of their right to vote.

As I picked up the laptop to hurry up and type this post before midnight, Chris joked "Oh I know what you're going to write, some patriotic, "get out and vote" post, aren't you?!" . Well yes Chris, that's exactly what I'm writing. I've said this all before, but I can't resist saying it one more time because I sense this is going to be the "big" vote of our generation. In 20 years will I be telling the story about this election and my vote in it as a way to encourage a future niece or nephew (or my own child) to be politically active and vote? Part of me thinks it's possible.

This election year has brought the American people a different experience from what we've had in the past. Unfortunately, we've seen a Senator who I used to have great respect for, throw all he said he stood for out the window and take a gamble on a VP choice just to try and sway the female, conservative vote, which to me is one of the most disgusting displays of sexism I've seen in a long time. But on the other end of the spectrum, we've seen a candidate who everyone thought was the underdog in this race create a grassroots campaign style that inspired many to give of their time and wallet in order to propel him closer and closer to the White House.

I don't know what Obama will be able to accomplish as POTUS, I don't expect everything he promised in his campaign to come true. His ideals have given so many of us what we needed most--hope. Hope that things can be better than they've been for the last 8 years. Hope that we really can do something to bring our country out of its downward spiral. Hope that running a semi-clean campaign could actually be a success. Hope that we as individuals really DO have the power to change the world.

Tonight I sit here with that hope. In the back of my mind I remember 4 years ago, how crushed I was when the results came in, how despondent I was, how much I feared for our country and what the next 4 years would be like. Looking at it honestly I can say some of my fears really did come true, and I grieve the things that our country has lost. But I choose to silence my inner doubter tonight and instead take a moment to let that hope and excitement flow through me.

We are here, we have worked hard, and I believe that if everyone gets out and votes, no matter how long the lines are or how frustrating the crowds are, we will see the fruits of our labor as the vote counts come in. We can win this race and set a new course for the next 4 years, YES WE CAN!

Words people, I need words.

2008-11-03T14:31:00.000+13:00

Today is technically my 3rd day of NaNoWriMo! So far today I haven't written a thing for it, although I have been writing other things. I'm trying to get everything done so I cannot come up with any more reasons to procrastinate, since we all know that procrastination and I are like, BFF. *snort*

I got a little over 2,000 words written the first day, none yesterday because I opted for sleep rather than writing, and because I knew that today I'd be at the dentist getting a tooth pulled and then be an invalid for a few days. And what better thing to do when trying to ignore cotton stuffed in your mouth than write, right? Hah! Well, the dentist's secretary called at like 7:45 am to tell me the dentist was home sick and we'd have to reschedule for tomorrow! Good news is I can now eat the soba peanut noodle thing I plan to make with the fresh asparagus living in my fridge. The bad news is I have one more day to mope about having to go to the dentist. It will be fine, really. I have this one pulled this week, and the bloody broken wisdom tooth to get out next week! I see lots of mushy food in my future... *sighs*

Anyhow, so I'd better get to writing, once I make lunch/dinner. I get diazepam before the procedure tomorrow, so if my post tomorrow seems rather odd, you'll know why! Combined with a certain other medication I'm on it may make me pretty entertaining, or sleepy, we shall see. Last time I took it (before an MRI) I was fine, just didn't give a shit I was in a tiny tunnel. I got a bit giggly and dizzy afterwards though. The dizziness can stay away, vertigo would be about the only thing that would kill my NaNoWriMo and NaBloPoMo writing!

McCain on SNL?

2008-11-02T23:58:00.000+13:00

Yeah, he did it. He went on SNL, and not just McCain either, his wife appeared too! Am I the only one who finds it a bit odd how all of them have showed up on SNL the last few weeks? Funny how the "biased liberal media" is evil, in the tank for Obama, and taking away Palin's freedom of speech (sorry, not over that one yet), but the campaign sure does make use of them as much as possible! Fucking ridiculous, I swear.

I love the dig at the Obama campaign for his informercial on Wednesday night, acting like the McCain camp is at a disadvantage because they are short on funding, as if we all are ignorant about the amount of money the RNC has. *snort*

He is a good sport about his appearances on the show, better than I think Palin was, but I still don't think he's the right person to have in the White House. The way his entire campaign has been run speaks much louder than any words he or Palin get out at their rallies.

I've heard some people are boycotting SNL for having him on the show, but considering how many times he's appeared before, and that SNL is supposed to be unbiased, I really don't think boycotting is going to do a damned thing.

So to all you who are boycotting SNL tonight, I have an even better way to make your voice heard: VOTE! And after Nov. 4th, remain politically active! The most effective thing you can do is to get active in a local organisation, help out your community, and engage in effective dialogue with both those who agree with you and those who don't! The POTUS affects our country, no doubt, but national change starts on an individual level. Want things to be different? Roll up your sleeves, give up a few hours a week, and work for it!

And for those of you who aren't boycotting, here are the clips. The first one is the opening, the second one is of "Weekend Update". When he said he was going to try playing the "Sad Grandpa, where I get on TV and say Obama is going to have plenty of chances to be president, it's my turn! Vote for me!" I really did burst out laughing...because seriously I think that's gone through his head for real, at least once.

Palin's First Amendment Rights?

2008-11-01T12:43:00.001+13:00

In an interview on conservative talk radio, Palin said she fears her First Amendment rights are being threatened by the media when they say her commentary on Ayers and Wright is negative campaigning. Here's a quote from said interview:

"If [the media] convince enough voters that that is negative campaigning, for me to call Barack Obama out on his associations, then I don't know what the future of our country would be in terms of First Amendment rights and our ability to ask questions without fear of attacks by the mainstream media."

What I want to know is has Palin even read the First Amendment? Obviously not. The media calling her on negative attacks is a perfect example of them exercising their First Amendment rights!!! For her to suggest they shouldn't say what they are would be her trying to infringe on their right to freedom of the press!! Argh!!!

Does the stupidity ever end? How many days do we have left, 5? Please people PLEASE can we not vote in a VP candidate who doesn't know what a VP does, thinks that she will be in charge of everything in the Senate and be free to get in there and makes some changes, and who cries suppression of her First Amendment rights when journalists question things she says?!?!

And that's a wrap folks!

2008-10-31T23:59:00.001+13:00

I can't believe I actually pulled off making one political post a day for the last 31 days!! This has been really fun! So thanks to those who have read my rantings every day, I feel like I've learned a lot in this past month and hope you have too. I'll probably keep up my political ramblings into November since the election is on the 4th, and after that will get back to what I usually do, which is ramble on about anything that comes to mind. Be afraid, be very afraid... ;-P

My last post of the month will end the way my first one started--encouraging you to vote. VOTE people, please, vote. I may have my opinions about who needs to be the next POTUS and you don't have to agree with me, all I ask is that you make yourself informed of the issues, take a good hard look at the candidates before you and what an administration with them at the top of it will look like, and at what direction it will take this country in. Then vote your conscience. But when you do that, please think not only of the things that matter in your own life, but in the lives of those around you, both in the US and abroad. The choice you make in that voting booth DOES affect the entire world.

And that's a wrap folks! I leave you with this quote, have a think on it, eh?

"One voice can change a room.
And if one voice can change a room
then it can change a city.
And if it can change a city,
it can change a state.
And if it can change a state,
it can change a nation.
And if it can change a nation,
it can change the world.
Your voice can change the world."

-Barack Obama

Alright, I've gone and done it now...

2008-10-31T02:01:00.003+13:00

Yes I did, I've joined NaNoWriMo! So anyone who happens to read this and is in NaNo land, let me know we can hook up and whinge over our writing together!

Check it out:

That says "Rebel" because I don't know that what I'm writing will qualify as fiction, although to be honest parts of my life sure do read like it! *snort*

The Final Countdown

2008-10-30T23:58:00.001+13:00

Less than a week to go! A little scary, isn't it?

As this final week passes by, Obama is making his closing plea to the American people. As this election season has played out he has kept his campaign moving forward slow and steady, building a massive network of supporters that have worked hard to bring us to this moment. And now? Time is getting short! Our job as supporters is to keep pushing this campaign forward, keep talking, keep encouraging people to make their voices heard and vote, keep discussing the issues! Obama's job is to make the most convincing closing arguments possible as the clock ticks down.

I don't know the man personally, but my observation of him these past months is that he's probably one formidable opponent in the courtroom. Why? He has one hell of a poker face, can deliver a convincing argument, and I swear he's a skilled closer.

Check out his closing speech in Canton, Ohio. Sharply on point, all business, ready to bring this campaign to an end and effect positive change in America. Although I must say I think he's already brought change to America, just look at the number of people active in this election, because they have HOPE that better days are ahead. YES WE CAN!

Strange times we're living in...

2008-10-29T23:44:00.000+13:00

A friend posted this on Facebook and I watched it and was actually speechless for a moment!

Good 'ole "Joe the Plumber" had a gem of an interview with Shepard Smith of Fox News. Apparently Joe thinks that a vote for Obama is a vote for the death of Israel! When asked by Smith to back up exactly why he agreed with that statement, his response was something to he effect of '...I think everyone should go figure out what would make me say something like that!'

I need to remember that line the next time someone expects me to back up some claim I've made! *snort*

Have a look at the video, even better than Joe sticking his foot in his mouth as usual, is watching someone at Fox News actually defend Obama against those comments and seem rather unsettled with what he had just heard.

"Some things....well, it's just gets frightening sometimes."

Exactly Shepard, exactly.

California isn't the only one...

2008-10-28T23:30:00.002+13:00

While reading yet another blog entry about Prop 8 I followed a link that led to an article in USA Today that reminded me of something I'd totally forgot-- Florida and Arizona also have proposed state Constitutional Amendments on the ballot to permit statewide discrimination on those not engaged in a "traditional marriage" (whatever that is *eyes rolling*), and Arkansas has a proposed Adoption Ban!

Floridians will be voting on Proposition 2, an amendment that states "Inasmuch as a marriage is the legal union of only one man and one woman as husband and wife, no other legal union that is treated as marriage or the substantial equivalent thereof shall be valid or recognized." Many are concerned that the wording of this amendment if passed would impact all cohabiting couples regardless of sexual orientation, including many seniors.

Arizonans will be voting on Proposition 102, an amendment that states "Only a union of one man and one woman shall be valid or recognized as a marriage in this state."

Californians will be voting on Proposition 8, an amendment that states "Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California"

Last but certainly not least, Arkansas has a state statue (Act 1) proposed that will ban individuals cohabiting outside of a valid marriage from adopting a child or providing foster care! This is not targeted only at homosexual couples, but at anyone not married and living with someone! Way to go Arkansas, you already have a horrifying record as far as your state's Child Welfare Agency is concerned, but now you want to ban people who may have stable homes, finances, and relationships but aren't married? Fuck you.

So please, if you live in Florida, Arizona, California, or Arkansas, vote NO to state legislated discrimination!

And if you're not in one of those states, that's okay, we can all still do something. Blog, donate money, talk to anyone you know in those states who does have the power to vote against them. There is (thankfully) a lot out there about Prop 8 in California, but I've read almost nothing about the other states and today was the first I read about Act 1 in Arkansas!

Let's hope that the record turn out of voters this year will support equal rights for everyone. We all deserve equality and the freedom to marry whom we chose and create a family.

To write or not to write...

2008-10-28T03:00:00.001+13:00

that is the question of the week.

I've been thinking about NaNoWriMo as I've been encouraging others I know to give it a go. I personally didn't intend to do it since I'm not a fiction writer. When I feel the urge to write it's more from a reflective non-fiction place, know what I mean? And since the "No" part stands for "novel", which to me means fiction, I figured there was no way to participate in it.

BUT, while hunting through the NaNoWriMo site I found this area in their forum for "NaNo Rebels", i.e. those who are writing, but are in some way rebelling against the rules. Apparently the creator of NaNoWriMo didn't want them to feel totally left out this year, even though they are not "technically" meeting the requirements. So, some of them join to hang out in the forum and plan to write the 50,000 words, but not validate and get a badge at the end since they aren't following the rules.

And then I saw my Daily Om for yesterday, titled "Personal Tales: Writing Your Story" which made me do a double take because the only thing on my "to write" list is a memoir of sorts. Not really for anyone to read, just for me, because I feel like life is passing so fast that things I want to remember are fading from my memory and if I don't take the time to get them down soon, they'll be gone forever.

Do you think it's all a sign that I should join to participate and just not validate in the end? I mean, the real prize in the whole thing is the manuscript you have at the end and I don't feel the need to have a badge from it. So what say the few of you who read my blog??

Best "Vote" Promotion Ever!

2008-10-28T02:21:00.002+13:00

Look at what showed up in my Inbox today! This is put out by MoveOn.org which I'm a member of.

I swear people, this is so fucking funny I had to watch it twice...and resist the urge to spam everyone I know with it!

PTPD

2008-10-28T01:16:00.001+13:00

Isn't it awful that many of us have become so jaded in the last 8 years that we can't actually sit back and enjoy the fact that Obama might actually win?

I've decided it's not simply my inner cynic's fault that I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's not our fault, we're all just suffering from trauma inflicted by a President who has pretty much allowed all his cronies to run rampant and damage our country!

It's almost like we are as a nation suffering from some form of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), or should I say PTPD (Post Traumatic President Disorder)... 84 days 'til the next president takes over. I have to believe our country has better days ahead. These are all just birthing pains, right?

Is it all over yet?

2008-10-27T23:58:00.004+13:00

I am a "Doubting Thomas" type. No matter how much evidence you present me with, I still have an inner cynic in the back of my mind going "Yeah, but....". To be honest, it drives me batty, however I can see how in some circumstances it's a good trait to have, so I strive to make peace with that part of myself.

But OMG people, it is overactive in this whole election thing. I can read all sorts of articles about how Obama has a significant lead and McCain's ratings are dropping and part of me hangs onto that as proof that my hope of this election ending with Obama in the White House is not in vain. And then the voice starts rambling on about how it could all just be a ploy to make us overconfident and that we know the vote has been stolen before, so who's to say it won't happen again this year. So I pace, and fret, and my nails are long gone. We're in the homestretch people, in little more than a week we will (hopefully) know the outcome of this election! And damn it, this HAS to turn out better than 4 years ago because I don't know if I can psychologically recover if it doesn't.

But oh the things a week could bring... *shudders* See! There I go again! Meh! Okay, time to beat that part of my brain into submission with some humor.

SNL was in a bit of a scramble this weekend because Amy Poehler went into labor and gave birth to a healthy baby boy hours before the broadcast! This week the joke is on Biden. LOL

This one is not really political, but for some reason I just can't stop laughing at it!

2008-10-26T23:27:00.001+13:00

Eric Hirshberg blogged recently on Huffington Post about the Conservatives For Change video he created after observing the conservatives in his life deciding to vote for Obama. Their reasons are all a bit different, but they reflect one thing IMO, a willingness to have an open mind and to judge the candidates based on who they are and what they say, not just what party they are with.

It's unfortunate that almost every conservative I know refuses to put aside party allegiance or one issue voting to have a calm discussion about the important things in this race. *sighs*

My brain hurts!

2008-10-25T23:40:00.003+13:00

As interesting as the political news of the day has been (what with the fake claims from a McCain volunteer of being assaulted by a big, bad, black robber who carved a B into her face and with McCain's brother calling 911 and the police department to complain about a traffic jam and cuss at them) I've got more pressing matters on my mind. I've been sitting here trying to understand concepts that go way, WAY over my head. Why do money issues have to be so damned complicated, huh? I need some explanations in simple terms. Is there a financial analyst in the audience? Please?

Here is my dilemma, perhaps someone can shed some light on the mystery for me. The problem? Currency!! In preparation for moving to the US, Chris and I have been watching the currency values go up and down. A while back the NZ dollar was pretty high in relation to the US dollar, something like .78, which was great, considering often it's more like .64, meaning for every $1.00 NZ dollar we could buy $0.78 US dollar. Now, when thinking about this in pocket change, it doesn't seem like much, since that was a difference of about $0.12 USD. But imagine how it affects much bigger numbers, say $10,000 NZD. The difference in the two rates would then be about $1,200 USD!! Nice chunk of change, isn't it? So as you can imagine, we decided to convert much of our NZD to USD. Granted, we aren't rich by any stretch of the imagination, but every little bit counts if you know what I mean, so we were pretty happy to have shifted it over while the exchange rate was so good.

Happy that is, until now. With the market being so volatile and other countries feeling the shock waves from it all, things have definitely been affected down here. Working with similar figures to the above example but in the opposite direction, $0.56 USD will buy $1.00 NZD. Scale it up and that means you could buy $10,000 NZD for about $5,600 USD. And NZ banks pay a good amount of interest, far more than the US does.

Now, I'm not one to convert back and forth as the rates go up and down. It's too stressful. watching currency will make you insane! But, with some money experts in the US telling people to spread their savings over several banks and several accounts in order to protect it if they have a large amount in savings, I have to admit having our money in USD is a bit scary. The USD is doing fine now, but what if it drops? Good for other countries looking to buy USD, bad for those of us who have to spend USD! Is my money safe in USD? Would it be safer in NZD? The dollar here is not likely to go much lower. It may not rebound for a bit, but it hasn't been this low in years and since the interest rate here was cut from 7.5% to 6.5% here two days ago, the dollar is bound to climb up before long.

So I sit here wishing I had nails left to bite, wishing it wasn't a long weekend (Monday is Labour Day here), and wishing I knew a lot more about what's going on in the financial world. I don't want to make a ton of money, I just want to know that what savings we do have is going to be there tomorrow.

See why my brain hurts right now??

The best thing about an election year?

2008-10-24T23:25:00.000+13:00

All the political comedy!

First They Came...

2008-10-24T00:09:00.004+13:00

Words from this poem have been itching the back of my mind for weeks now and just a few minutes ago when reading the last post I wrote, I remembered it in full. Here is the translation from the original:

First They Came... By Martin Niemöller

When the Nazis came for the communists,
I remained silent;
I was not a communist.

When they locked up the social democrats,
I remained silent;
I was not a social democrat.

When they came for the trade unionists,
I did not speak out;
I was not a trade unionist.

When they came for the Jews,
I remained silent;
I wasn't a Jew.

When they came for me,
there was no one left to speak out.

Socialist!

2008-10-23T23:59:00.002+13:00

Socialist!

Why is that such a dirty word? Please, will someone tell me why that is such an insult? I know the logical reasons for it--because people are clueless and think socialist=communist=Russia or socialist=Hitler, but it's really starting to get on my last nerve people! Why no talk of FASCISTS? Hmm?

I googled "socialist" and know what the first video result I got was??

Oh yeah. That expression you have on your face right now, I had it too. Doesn't it make you just want to reach out and slap someone? Mainly yourself, on the forehead, over and over repeatedly until you lose consciousness for a minute to shut out the rampant stupidity assaulting your poor, defenseless brain courtesy of brilliant people like the one who posted that video with the title "BHO Admits He's a Socialist"?

Even better??
I googled "definition of socialist" for shits and giggles to see what would come up, and this was the third hit:

Feminism is a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.
Pat Robertson

I know, I know, me too...

I VOTED TODAY!!

2008-10-22T23:58:00.002+13:00

Today I exercised my right to vote, half a world away from my country. Granted, the process I went through to cast that vote was not a quick one. But in the end, that's okay, because there is only one thing that truly matters in any of that. This:

For the first time in my life I've been not just "okay" with a candidate, but inspired. No, I don't think the man is the Messiah or anything, but the two of them and the administration they bring with them will hopefully bring some much needed change to the current status quo in the White House.

So today I voted for CHANGE. I voted for all the women who deserve to have rights to their own bodies. I voted for the children our education system is failing. I voted for the struggling parents that can't even afford to have health insurance for their children. I voted for the men and women in our armed forces that deserve to have someone in office that won't be sending them into a war for less than honest reasons. I voted for healing those international relationships that have been so damaged in these last 8 years. I voted for diplomacy before use of force. I voted for those less fortunate than me because I believe that when even one of us is oppressed, we all are. I voted for equality regardless of gender. I voted in hopes that equality in other areas will one day lead to the equality all of us in the gay community wait for. I voted because our country can be so much better than it is right now. I voted for more reasons than I can list in this space.

I voted for OBAMA and BIDEN.

Hannity Hates Me?

2008-10-22T17:07:00.004+13:00

I was surfing the web last night trying to find another source for this claim (which I figured, if true, Faux News would be foaming at the mouth over) and clicked on a link from Google and was met with this:
Hah! I'm banned from the site! I guess Sean Hannity hates me or something... Maybe foreign IP addresses are restricted from viewing the site, or maybe he's a reader of my blog and I'm on his shit list? *falls over laughing*

I'm sure there's a logical reason for it, but I'm going to stick with the "he hates me" reasoning, 'cause it amuses me more.

Oh, forgot one....it's a big one too.

2008-10-22T00:08:00.000+13:00

I forgot the BAD drama after the doctor's office and before the veggie shop!

Absentee ballot drama. I have to have 2 witnesses sign, right? We tried to catch up with a friend for dinner, but she wasn't feeling well, so we were about to call and see if Chris' sister would be game to sign, when I logged on to the Fed Ex site to see where to drop my parcel. Scanning the list of "participating states" as the page processed my request, I noticed Alabama missing from the top of the list... After a few more clicks I found out why. Some states have requirements for the mailing of ballots that FedEx doesn't meet. Now what requirement Alabama has I don't know, I can't seem to find it, but I recall reading that a few states require your ballot package be postmarked by the US mail service, you can't send it special courier! So, I'm assuming that's the problem, although I'll keep trying to find an official explanation tomorrow.

Yeah, so, if that's true, I'm going to have to pay like $30 to have it sent and hope it gets there in time, where it belongs!

Upon doing more reading I noticed that some states that require witness signatures or notarization, say the witnesses have to be US citizens, which for me will be impossible, and while the paperwork I have doesn't have that stipulation, I don't feel like risking it. So I've decided to try and see if the Justice of the Peace is in at the Citizen's Advice Bureau tomorrow, if she is, I can go and have her notarize my envelope.

This whole process is making me loopy.... HAH! Guess what song is playing through the headphones at the moment??

"You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals so lets do it like they do on the Discovery Channel!"

And on that note, I'm off to bed, to sleep, but hopefully not have any odd dreams... Well, I could make an exception if it involves this song and say.... Vin Diesel? *blinks innocently*

My day was....eh.

2008-10-21T23:27:00.001+13:00

WHAT THE FUCK? Blogger is so dumb ass I swear. I typed that title and then hit "enter" instead of "tab" and what did the stupid thing do?? SUBMIT THE POST! *falls over* I guess it decided that was going to be the permanent title of today's blog post and although I could delete it so it would disappear and no one would know, I'm not gonna do it, because this is just another example of what a winner day I've had!

Ever had one of those days that volley back and forth between bad and good so you can't really label it either one? Yeah, that was today. Lemme see if I can break it down for ya!

BAD: Stayed up 'til 4 am listening to playlist.com and typing a blog post because Chris was finishing up some computer work and really, any excuse to listen to more music is good with me, even though I KNEW 4 am was a bad idea because it will knock me off for days sleep-wise.

GOOD: Tomorrow is my 5th acupuncture/chinese medicine treatment (I've been at it for 4 weeks total now) and things seem to be working because I started my period today! I know, TMI for some, but I'm not one of those prim women who never speak of such things, so eh. 3 years ago periods would have definitely been in the "bad" category, but since I've only had an non-medically induced period twice in the past 2 years, that's a pretty big fucking deal and since the acupuncture treats pain and such, no "shoot me now I'll give you all the money I have" endometriosis cramps, shocking, eh? And hopefully this means my ovaries haven't given up on ever working again. I may not ever use them for baby making, but god is life hell when they aren't working properly.

GOOD: I talked to my brother on the phone today, he makes me laugh, that boy is so full of shit.

BAD: I talked to my brother today, he doesn't know when to shut up, wouldn't listen when I said I wasn't talking politics with him, and at one point was talking so loud that I could hold the phone 2 feet away from me and still hear him. When he started yelling at me about being a baby killer I'd had more than I could take and handed the phone to Chris because I had to get ready to go to a doctor's appointment and the ranting made me cry (which REALLY pissed me off). Why can't people respect other's boundaries?

BAD: The doctor was almost 45 minutes behind schedule.

GOOD: My GP has the best sense of humor, so we always have good chats and he's good natured about being joked on for running late (he's always running late). We've decided I seem to be holding my own with all the health drama.

BAD: My monthly blood work came back with my iron lower, again. It drops every month since the last infusion. I even started eating red meat again 6 weeks ago to try and boost up the levels since doctors are stubborn and don't get that nothing I eat is going to fix this. So, before we leave NZ in January I'll probably be looking at another 8 hour infusion at the hospital to top up my levels again. YAY! The stain from when the IV infiltrated last time is pretty much faded away...hopefully it won't do that this time.

GOOD: We're going to tweak the meds the Rheumatologist put me on to try and restore the rhythm of my sleep cycle. It's working at the really low dose, but not as much as they want, so we'll go up a tiny bit, starting tonight, so that'll remedy the 4 am rebound shit. I have to get to bed by midnight though. *sighs*

BAD: My blood pressure was still up from that bloody phone call with my brother! The doctor laughed and said he knew I must have been really agitated about something since it's never high any other time. Siblings are a joy, aren't they?

BAD: Drivers on the road acting stupid and trying to get into an accident.

GOOD: Went to the veggie shop and loaded up on all the pretty spring produce!! I know, it's strange, but fresh food makes me happy.

BAD: We ate dinner out because I had no energy after the appointment and errands. But the food was GOOD, so I guess it's a draw? LOL

BAD: When we got home I opened my Inbox and there were non-happy things in there that reminded me way too much of the earlier conversation with my brother, as well as other conversations like it, which made me upset, and since the girlie hormones are doing their thing in my blood, I ended up in tears again!

GOOD: More music, LOUD music, to help the thoughts in my head flow better. Rock music helps when I'm angsty.

BAD: I have to address the emails at some point, but to be honest I just don't know where to begin anymore. I'm so tired of this. So. Damn. Tired.

OH YEAH, and if one more person tells me that pro-choice = pro-abortion, or insinuates that pro-choice means I'm a happy baby killer, I might physically harm them (and I'm not sure I'd label that one BAD either... ;-P)

So depending on how I tally things up, it comes out to BAD: 8-9 GOOD:6-8

Yeah, like I said to begin with, the day was....EH!

Thank You

2008-10-21T03:19:00.001+13:00

Thank you Jason Linkins for noting a particularly moving part of Powell's interview on Meet the Press. Before you read the rest of this blog post, please follow the link to that post.

Thank you Colin Powell for saying what needed to be said, and what many of us have been trying to say for a long time.

Thank you Specialist Kareem Rashad Sultan Khan, for being so passionate about serving your country, and for giving your life to fight in the Army while some of your fellow countrymen cannot bring themselves to see you as their brother.

And to Elsheba Khan, I am so sorry for the loss of your son's life as he proudly served a country where some of the "leaders" and your fellow citizens say "Arab", "Islam" and "Muslim" like they are dirty, hate filled words. Please know that there are many among you who believe you have as much right to your religious beliefs as the rest of us do, who mourn the loss of lives in Iraq no matter what race, religion, nationality, or "side" they are on, and who fight the racial/religious profiling and stereotyping of people within our borders.

To those who may be tempted to make some snarky comment about this post, say what you will, but let me just clarify something for you. I personally am proud of our men and women in uniform and support them wholeheartedly. It IS possible to support our troops and yet not support the war. My heart breaks for every family who have had their loved one deployed for months at a time, 2, 3, 4 times in a row, just as it breaks for those whose loved ones come home in a box, and those in Iraq who lose loved ones every day that the media forgets about. As a Democrat I do believe there is a time and a place for the use of our military, I just believe in this case the government got it wrong and a lot of people have paid the ultimate price for it.

I post things like this because unfortunately there are too many people in this country who seem to forget that our military is happy to enlist you, regardless of your race, religion, gender, and often even your sexual orientation. Muslims, Jews, Buddhists, Wiccans, Atheists, Agnostics, Christians, and Pagans (as well as numerous other religions) serve side by side every day. Caucasians, Indians, African Americans, Hispanics, Asians, and yes, even Arabs (as well as other ethnicities), give of their time in service to our country, and some their very lives. Immigrants are enlisted to fight in our armed forces when they don't yet have the right to even vote for their Commander in Chief!

Seems to me it's high time we learned to embrace each other, celebrate the things we have in common, enjoy our differences, put an end to discrimination, and treat one another as equals, no matter what faith, skin color, ethnic background, gender, or sexual orientation we have.

Odds and Ends

2008-10-20T23:56:00.000+13:00

I woke up to news of Colin Powell endorsing Obama so that was a nice boost to my morning! I don't think it makes this an ace to win, but I'm glad he had the balls to join others of his party in making an endorsement for Obama, and his added commentary on the McCain campaign's turn for the worse was needed IMO. I think Powell has witnessed the same thing the rest of us have, a man we used to have respect for turn into someone who will do anything to get his way...it's sad.

In other news. I broke Chris' favorite bowl this morning while washing dishes, along with a huge glass mixing bowl and small rice dish. They were nested one inside the other and I knocked over the whole stack while trying to move them from one spot to the other. The whole mess crashed into the floor at my feet, I'm actually really lucky I didn't end up with my foot sliced open since they were quite big pieces of glass (thick bowls). I am SUCH a fucking klutz I swear. So I shrieked as I dropped them, then burst into tears and started cussing hysterically, which caused Chris to come running from the back of the flat to make sure I was okay. Of course I felt SOOO horrible because Chris' favorite bowl was handmade by the pottery club here in thanks for Chris doing some computer work for them, so it's irreplaceable. =/ Being the calm, sane, zen-like person in the house, Chris asked if I was okay, and when I instead kept rambling on about how sorry I was, said "Ah well, these things happen." then proceeded to help me pick up the mess (and ultimately banned me from touching it because a shard cut the back of my finger). Where do calm people like this come from and how the hell did I end up with one??

Oh, and I'm ridiculously addicted to playlist.com since the New Zealand music download scene is SO shitty that they don't have any music subscription service and I refuse to pay iTunes NZ almost $2 per song because I think they are screwing NZlanders over just because they can. So fuck you iTunes, I'll just stay tied to the damn computer to hear my music! Between that and the price of CDs here (well over $20 for most music) I'm just going to keep on with my no new music buying strike here. I MIGHT give in and buy some CDs done by indie NZ artists before we move, but other than that, nope!

Oh the joys of voting absentee!

2008-10-19T20:23:00.001+13:00

Guess what I did today? Tried to sort out the whole absentee voting thing! I got my ballot in the mail like 2-3 weeks ago, and it's been sitting, staring at me ever since. Being the queen of procrastination, I kept putting off figuring it out. But it's crunch time now, and although Fed-Ex will so thoughtfully ship it back to the US overnight for FREE (yes, for free, how kick ass is that?) I still need to get it sent off so I don't stress over it anymore.

I think I should preface this rant with a little warning: Government forms piss me off! I have seen so bloody many of them in my life that I've reached my saturation limit. The immigration process of both the US and NZ have just pushed me way over the edge and I have no tolerance for these things anymore! I even start to squirm and scrunch up my face when I have to fill out one of those stupid "entry cards" they give you on the airplane when you're flying internationally! It's a serious problem.

So today I sat down with all the stuff and the ballot. For some reason I thought it would be as easy as connecting the lines, stuffing it all in an envelope, and taking it to the Fed-Ex place, thereby not triggering my government forms rage, right? WRONG!

First off, I don't do "straight party vote" because I don't trust the machine/a person to automatically count the votes properly. A few places have had problems with it in past elections and I'm far too paranoid to go with it, so I'll sit and connect every line.

Second, I forgot I've got to send them a copy of my state issued driver's license or Social Security card for identification purposes, or at least I THINK it can be a copy. It better be, they aren't getting the real thing, they'll lose it!

Third, I did not realise that I apparently have to get 2 witnesses to sign or a notary to affirm that I am who I am and it's my form! *snort*

Fourth, what is up with all the Constitutional Amendments in Alabama? Huh? Freakin' 6 of them this time! So thank you very much, now I have to go hunt down information on them to inform my vote. *grumbling* And besides that, what's with the offices up for election that only have one person running for them, or in one case, NO PERSON listed on them? How does that happen? Now I have to go find people worthy of being written in? *scratches head*

All in all it'll be worth it once I have everything sorted out, because I truly believe in exercising my right to vote (it's a privilege many in this world don't have!). But that doesn't stop the process from being annoying at times. ;-p

October Surprise?

2008-10-18T23:56:00.001+13:00

As we head into the homestretch of this election season, many political commentators are on the look out for what they call the "October Surprise". The rumors are all over the place! Some think Dubbya will pull Osama bin Laden out of a hat right before election day, giving McCain a massive boost and carrying him all the way to the White House. Others postulate it may be a tape from bin Laden, ala the 2004 election, or perhaps even another terrorist attack on American soil, since that would be bound to boost McCain's ratings. Personally if any of the above happened I wouldn't be surprised. Those in power are often known for using skirmishes both in and out of the country in order to divert our attention from the things that matter, and I wouldn't put it past Dubbya or Cheney to get a good screw in before election day.

One writer jokes that perhaps McCain is going to come out and drop a 'flat tax' plan on us in hopes of wooing those in the money to vote for him. I'm still chuckling over that one.

However, the one I've been reading about most in the last two days is the purported upcoming endorsement by Colin Powell. Some say his endorsement wouldn't mean much, but Jon Soltz at Huffington Post wrote an interesting piece on why he thinks it matters to this election, and I have to say I agree with him in many ways. Although Powell obviously fucked up with the Bush Administration/UN "weapons of mass destruction" thing, he is still viewed by many to be a well respected military man with impressive foreign relations cred. Having someone like that back Obama would be significant, and his voice speaking out against the attacks coming from the Palin/McCain camp like Obama 'hanging out with terrorists' and being 'unpatriotic' would make some (at least a handful) of undecideds sit up and take notice.

Do I think it would make this election a slam dunk for Obama? NO. There are still a whole lotta ways this race could be lost, but it could make things a bit more interesting. What if Powell instead decides to endorse McCain? Well then, that would say a whole lot about the man, wouldn't it? For some reason I've always admired him, even while being part of the Bush debacle, and I've hoped a time would come that would allow him to redeem himself even just a little bit for the part he played.

I know what some are thinking, a man considered a strong Republican, coming out and endorsing a Democrat, and one as 'liberal' as Obama? Well I say, stranger things have happened (like McCain picking an unknown for VP!). I mean, just today I've read the scathing commentary on "Palin's Failin' " by none other than Peggy Noonan, news of conservative talk radio host Michael Smerconish out of Philly backing Obama, and the LA Times, Washington Post, and Chicago Tribune have added their names to the list of papers backing the Democratic ticket.

Sunday morning, Meet the Press. Guess I'll wake up early Monday morning here to be greeted with his choice--or lack there of. He could come out and refuse to endorse anyone at all, go right for the center, but still, I'm holding out hope he'll do better than that. Time will tell I suppose.

What It's Like

2008-10-17T23:44:00.001+13:00

I can't get over the "woman's life" air-quotes bull shit from last night's debate. To me, it was a glaring example of what I feel a lot of people in this world lack, UNDERSTANDING and COMPASSION.

For the last two weeks this song has been playing through my mind every day. Every day. I remember when it came out vividly because I was still a "pro-life, anti-abortion Christian". However, I was deeply struggling with the things that I'd been taught were "absolutely wrong", like homosexuality, sex before marriage, and abortion. I listened to the lyrics in this song and they really, really got to me. For an instant I was that girl, being ambushed by protesters while trying to get to the clinic, agonising over the choice I was left to make by the "man" who helped me get into this situation. Then I thought about a woman that was raped and how she would feel, pregnant with the child of her attacker. Or a young girl barely past puberty, her womb violated and impregnated by her father, uncle, the guy next door.

In putting on their shoes and walking for a minute, it all became so clear. What right to we have to judge that which most of us will never have to go through? What right do we have to take away their rights to their bodies? If it were me, would I want people to make that choice for me? NO.

And there you have it, the shift....that moment when the earth shifts beneath you and you know without a doubt that your perspective has been forever altered and you can't go back to the way you were before.

I sincerely wish people would take a moment to step outside their comfort zone and put on the shoes of another in a situation much different than the one they live in. Then maybe, just maybe they could imagine what it's like.

Never enough time in the day...

2008-10-16T23:58:00.002+13:00

Yes, blog, sorry, don't have much time to now condense the political happenings of today into some snarky post that takes me forever to write! Between reading and cooking and obsessing over the dentist appointment tomorrow that has me freaking the hell out, I totally forgot to come here and have a good laugh over things!

So instead, here are some excerpts from my responses to the debate as I was watching/listening to it! I mostly do this so that a close friend of mine who finds my commentary amusing, can read it later as she watches the debates she recorded, and feel like I'm sitting right there running my mouth. Keep in mind this is on NZ time, so 2 pm is when it started. It may not be the most grammatically correct thing, but remember, I'm typing while watching, listening, yelling at the screen, and chatting on IM, so I don't think I did too bad...

2:04 He's just said angry 5 times. I predict this will be his word for the night!

2:20 Ohhhhh McCain, nice one! That's your "whoop his ass" approach, right? You're not Bush, but you've supported him 90% of the time!! Oh there we go, we're angry again. That's his catch line this time! "Americans are angry".

2:27 OH MY GOD he's playing the sympathy card! The "I'm not a racist, you hurt my feelings, I'm gonna cry now, you wouldn't do town hall meetings with me so all the mean ads are your fault, I had to air them 'cause you wouldn't come play by my made up rules!"

2:36 OH HE DID IT!! Slandered ACORN AND AYERS all in the same breath!!! SCORE! AND McCain said he doesn't care about any terrorists? *snort*

2:40 THANK YOU! God moderator, you rock! Thank you so fucking much, I could kiss you right now! --why is your VP pick better than the other party's.

2:42 She's a role model to women?? She's a reformer? "she makes me feel all tingly in my pants"

2:43 OH EVEN HE PLAYED THE BABY!! OMG, it's better than I even hoped!

2:55 YAY, PRECONDITIONS!!! Good thing I don't drink during these things, I'd be shitfaced long before now... Comes on McCain, say it, M-A-V-E-R-I-C-K! Please?? What, are we not your "friends" anymore?

3:02 John, I really hope your "whoop his you-know-what" strategy backfires on you, because your lame accusations are such BS. That's right, $5,000 won't pay for a $12,000 a year policy! Some of us have preconditions that make it so insurance companies charge us shit loads, and we're not asking for "luxuries".

3:05 SENATOR GOVERNMENT!! Woo HOO!!! That's a sound bite from this debate baby! Sounds like some sort of super hero.

3:11 Haha, equal pay for equal work! Obama supports, McCain opposes, because he doesn't agree with it and neither does his super woman, role model for all, PALIN.

3:12 Pro-abortion movement? Oh, see, you KNOW the truth on the matter, and you worked your weasel words to scare the pro-lifers and cause them to ignore his explanation! Fuck you McCain, really, fuck you. Yeah, the doctors were against it as well, because it was already on the books!!!! The exception of "in the case of a woman's life in danger" IS AN IMPORTANT CLAUSE!

3:14 Yes, PREVENTION through education, improve options for adoptions, and YES YES YES, NOBODY IS PRO-ABORTION!

3:19 McCain says 'this is the civil rights issue of the 21st century'. We've achieved equal access in schools? Competition between schools? How are people supposed to take their kids to better schools when they cannot afford it? No certifications for teaching for military members? Did I just hear that right? *scratches head*

3:21 Hahahaha... Bush's no child left behind left behind the money for it... Good one Obama!

3:27 McCain's closing word. "I have a record of reform, I take on my party all the time, I'll buck those Republicans at every turn if I have to, I'm good with your money, I spend it on what I want to, I can't say Senator Obama clearly most of the time because behind his back I call him Senator Osama, I'm a POW, my family has a history of serving this country, let me continue to serve, in fact you have to vote for me 'cause I was in the Navy and a POW, so I deserve it god damn it!" What a wanker.

3:29 Obama's closing. "No more of the same, we need change, I believe in the decency and generosity of the American people, I will invest in you, our best days are ahead, health care, tax cuts, better education, growing the middle class, this is what I've been doing in my career, this is what I'm going to do, this takes all of us, no matter what party, vote for me, I promise if I get to be president I will work every single day tirelessly on your behalf and on behalf of your children." Why do people find this scary?

3:31 Last word from Moderator. As my momma always said "Go vote now, it'll make you feel big and strong."

So there you have it! Register to vote people and then actually GO VOTE!!

Say it ain't so John!

2008-10-15T23:55:00.000+13:00

Brainwashing their volunteers with misinformation before sending them out to rally votes for McCain? Why yes they do...at least one organiser does in Virginia!

It amuses me that people claim over and over again these lies aren't coming from the McCain campaign and that they are not inciting people to spread lies and cause panic.....and yet we read about that very thing in a Time article!

Two wrongs don't make a right.

2008-10-14T22:37:00.000+13:00

Check out this post on Gawker. The guy whose post they are referring to has removed the posts he made on politicalbyline.com swearing that he didn't mean any harm to Obama with creating that picture. Oh really? Does he really want us to think he is so stupid that he didn't realise the things he was hinting at by putting the picture of Obama next to a noose? He also posted it at sayanything.com but the moderator removed it and wrote a response that I have to admit just doesn't do it for me. The original post is preserved here at Washington Scandal.

When will people get that two wrongs don't make a right? I'm so sick of the tit for tat game being played by people on both sides of this issue. One hates Obama, one hates Palin, and they go back and forth, each becoming more depraved in their behaviours. Someone has to be the bigger man and put a stop to it.

How about this people! If one doesn't like the graphics being posted or rants being written about Palin (or any other political figure), then address it in a sane, rational manner. Talk about the reasons you feel they are in the wrong for expressing their opinions in such ways. Address the errors you see in their thinking. Attempt constructive dialogue. Refute the things you don't agree with in your own blog. Talk about the issues you have with other politicians that you don't care for. Scream, rant, yell, throw a fit if need be. But creating a picture to post to a blog like the one mentioned that insinuates Obama needs to meet up with a noose is not the answer, because in that moment you become far worse than the people you are pointing your finger at.

We need to remember that no matter how frustrated we are, or how convinced we are that the other side is wrong and blind to their own flaws, we are still dealing with human beings. Not "that one", but an actual person with thoughts, feelings, beliefs, experiences, and reasons they have for holding the opinions they do. You can vehemently disagree with someone and still treat them like a human being. Don't you get it? This is why dehumanising your opponent is so dangerous, because it then makes it oh so easy to treat them as the dirt beneath your feet.

I don't endorse racism, I think it's disgusting and it deeply offends me. I see images like that and it makes me cry in anger, hurt, and frustration because my mind cannot comprehend the hate that one must possess to act that way toward another person. I don't believe we have to turn a blind eye and let those actions go unnoticed and unchallenged. However, I'll be damned if the actions of someone like that cause me to act in a way that is untrue to myself and my ideals.

So, sorry angry racist guy, but I won't be creating a picture with your face next to the noose because while you may think that is the right way to deal with someone who has offended you, I do not, and even though at times I rant and rave and throw a fit over the actions of others I deeply disagree with, I will not allow disgust for you to turn me into your mirror image.

Many thanks to the several blogs I read that made note of this blog post so the rest of us could speak out against it.

Let It Be

2008-10-13T23:58:00.000+13:00

Yesterday and today have been crazy as hell and I've got nothing to write tonight. Well, that's not entirely true, I have plenty I could write about, but to be honest, after reading news and updates and watching video of a person who is obviously full of hate, I'm just too damn weary of it all to get anything worthwhile out. I guess you could say my soul is vexed.

So I'm going to play my favorite music with hope it'll relax me enough to eventually sleep...and leave you with this video to ponder.

It's going to be alright...it has to be, because there are still a shit load of people out there who give a fuck and are not hate filled bigots.

Connecticut

2008-10-13T00:41:00.000+13:00

The last few days have found me thinking of Connecticut. Not because I used to live there, I've never set foot in the state. Not because I know someone who lives there, because, well, I don't. And not because I have some particular need to visit there either, to be honest it's never been on my list of places to visit.

Connecticut is on my mind because last week they overturned a ban on same-sex marriages. In doing so they've become the third state to allow same sex couples to marry, the others being Massachusetts and California. Reading about the ruling was a bright spot in my week, but was quickly tempered with the concern I've had while reading news like this coming out of California. On Nov. 4th they will vote on Proposition 8, an amendment to the state Constitution that would outlaw gay marriage.

As a woman whose sexuality and choice of life partner have been repeatedly discriminated against by 'family', 'friends', and the world I grew up in, this issue hits really close to home. Once again I find myself asking the same question I always do. Why? Why is love between consenting adults so threatening to people? I cannot understand it. Even when I was younger and trying to play the role of the good little conservative Christian girl, I never understood why gay people were seen as so bad. But boy did living in that environment do a number on me as I got older and realised not only was I seen as inferior because I was a woman, but that I had....preferences that others around me didn't, and I had no clue how to deal with them.

And that's another thing....how is it that the same people that vote Republican because they think the government is too involved in things and scream if their guns or businesses are affected in any way, are the same ones that want the government to ban things like abortion, homosexuality, and books/media galore? Seems like the two contradict themselves.

I don't get it people, I just don't get it. With all the hate, anger, war, and human atrocities in this world, don't we all need to encourage as much love as possible?? Why legislate deliberate discrimination borne out of hate?

I had a point to this blog post when I started, but my brain has become so fried with the 'why' question that I can't make sense of anything I've written in the last 30 minutes. So instead I'll leave my ramblings as is and end with this:

Visit noonprop8.com for more information on how you can help with either your time or donations.

Barack Osama?

2008-10-12T02:33:00.002+13:00

Come on people, what were the editors of the ballot doing, sleeping? Of all the misspellings you could have on that name, it had to be Osama. *shakes head* Somewhere in NY a radical right wing nut is scared to death after seeing that on their absentee ballot. LOL

Oh what a tangled web we weave...

2008-10-12T02:01:00.001+13:00

...when first we practice to deceive.* And deceive the McCain/Palin ticket has been doing up a storm in this campaign season, and particularly this last week.

By now we all know about the increasingly angry, aggressive crowds at some McCain rallies and most Palin participates in. I blogged about that a few days ago so I'm not going to rehash it again, but I've felt strongly that McCain and Palin both need to step up and calm down the supporters they've spurred on with all their misrepresentations of Obama. Listening to clips of some of their speeches (particularly Palin's) makes it clear that they are intentionally using those little weasel words to scare people into voting for them instead of "that one". The xenophobia has got to stop people!

Today I read this article about how McCain has recently tried to correct some of the angry shouting and panicked questions by supporters at his rallies, only to be repeatedly booed for trying to bring things back to a respectful place and explain to a supporter that Obama is in fact not an Arab. Sorry McCain, once you've opened Pandora's Box it's a bit difficult to stuff everything back inside.

What I find interesting though, is while McCain is putting on a show of trying to soothe the fervor, his campaign says it will continue to push ads that continue in the same vein as they have lately. And we've not seen Palin telling people they don't have to be afraid of Obama and that he's a good, respectable citizen--good on you Biden for calling her out on it too!

I'd like to believe that somewhere inside McCain is that same person that 8 years ago I had great respect for. I'd like to believe that he's genuinely concerned about the direction things have taken and is worried about the damage this rabid divisiveness will do to our country if and when Obama wins the election. I'd like to believe that he truly feels his campaign has stepped over the line and they need to get back on track. But I think I'm too jaded to. I'll still say kudos to the man for trying to correct some of the people at his recent rally. However, I think this is just a ploy to look good while Palin and others on his campaign continue to fan the flames in any way they can.

And speaking of Palin. Two days ago the McCain campaign attempted to pre-empt the expected findings of the ongoing ethics probe in Alaska by stating they'd done an investigation into the accusations made against her and their findings cleared her of any wrongdoing! Turns out the Alaskan legislative panel doesn't agree. And remember, this was a BIPARTISAN panel. I find it ironic that McCain wants to jump into a character and judgement debate with Obama, and yet the VP on his ticket abused her power as Governor to try and get her sister's ex fired! And not just her, but her aides as well as her husband. Oh yes. A vote for Sarah is a vote for her husband Todd obviously. Wonder what lovely things they'll get up to with the additional expansion of the VP role Sarah feels is needed. Cheney must be so proud of her.

And as if we haven't heard enough about the Ayers thing, apparently now the McCain campaign has felt the need to drag Michelle Obama into the whole mess! Even though McCain has stated repeatedly that the spouses should be off limits during the campaign. Come on John, do you control anything that goes on in that campaign anymore, or are you really that low??

Exactly. That's what I thought.

*quote by Sir Walter Scott

Wanted: Clever Title

2008-10-11T23:29:00.002+13:00

(The hardest part of writing is the damn title, so I've given up changing it for today. One will come to me like 2 weeks from now I bet, unless someone else wants to name it for me! Anyway, on with the post...)

The way I see US politics, people usually fall into one of 5 categories (I'm sure there are more, but for the sake of this blog not taking me days to write, I'm gonna stick to these 5). Disciples, Intellectuals, Sheeple, Apathetics, and the Write-Ins. I'm sure most of us with a diverse friend base know people in each camp. People from every party fall inside these camps. There are Sheeple that will vote for Obama, there are Intellectuals who will vote for McCain. You will also run across articles, podcasts, videos, and blogs by people in all of these categories, isn't the internet great! *snort*

The Apathetic are the ones that either don't care about the election at all, hate politics, fail to see the reason for being politically active and voting, or they are so jaded about politics in general that they refuse to vote because they think it won't have any effect on the outcome. They may talk about The Man keeping them down, or they're too occupied with the latest episode of the OC to think about anything else. These are the people who won't vote. Unfortunately they make up a good portion of the population.

The Write-Ins are those whose candidate of choice either didn't get the mainstream nomination (Dennis Kucinich, Ron Paul, etc...), are a member of a 'non-mainstream' parties whose candidate will not be put on the ballot in some states (Libertarians, Greens, etc...), or they loathe all the people running so much that they'll write in their dog's name in protest. These people are politically active and will vote, just not for either of the main contenders.

The Intellectuals are those voters who make an effort to inform themselves of the candidates' positions on both sides. They're probably politically aware enough that they have opinions of their own and choose the candidate that is most in line with them, or they pick the lesser of two evils because they feel that while they don't fully agree with either side, one candidate would be more preferable than the other. They are likely to feel frustrated with people in the other categories for various reasons, a major one being that it seems the bulk of the population doesn't know how to use their brains anymore.

(One moment, fruit break, blogging uses up so much damn energy!)

The Sheeple. Everybody knows these. The Sheeple are those that vote with a party because their parents, pastor, best friend, or scary emails tell them to. They are the ones who think a salmonella outbreak from fresh tomatoes means they can't eat spaghetti and that we should ban all tomato products. One-issue voters often fall into either this category or are Disciples. The ones who think voting in Obama/Biden means all guns will be banned, or that voting in McCain/Palin will automatically ban abortion and 'stop the genocide of babies'. They will vote for a candidate because they look sexier in a suit, talk like the "average Joe Six Pack", are adorable, or are one specific race or gender. They refuse to talk politics most of the time because they really don't know much about the issues other than what MTV or Pat Robertson tell them, and they'll assume you're a Disciple for "the other side" if you try to engage them in logical conversation.

Last but not least, the Disciples. Disciples were at one time one of the other categories, but for whatever reason have taken the religion of politics to the extreme. There is no reasoning with them, they don't hear you, all they're thinking is how to "covert you" to their side. These aren't the people that will have a frank discussion with you about the flaws in both party's candidates, they believe their choice for President is in effect, the Messiah that will right everything that is wrong with this world and magically make the entire US into what they want it to be. Their eyes look just as glazed over as the Sheeple's do, in fact, many of them are Sheeple on steroids out to save your political soul!

Now that you're all hip with my lingo, I can ramble on in another blog about my mental musings these last few days.

Rednecks for Obama

2008-10-10T23:20:00.002+13:00

Yes, it's true, there are some out there that support Obama despite the assumptions many have made that no redneck would vote for him.

The two men in this article that started the Rednecks for Obama group remind me of a good friend's PawPaw in Alabama. I can't remember how old he is, but he' says he doesn't like McCain and although the whole family is staunchly Republican he's decided to vote for Obama and nobody is going to change his mind! How great is that?

It gives me hope people...and that is a beautiful thing.

Obama reads and conservative are scared.

2008-10-10T02:39:00.001+13:00

A friend forwarded an email to me this morning. We're of the same political opinions and she thought I'd find the subject of the email interesting. I have to put it here because the hilarity of it is too much for me to keep to myself, and it's after 2 am here, and my brain won't be quiet. I've posted it in all it's odd caps, colorised font, panicky glory!!

It's titled: Thought you might like to see what OBAMA likes to read!!

(Not found on Snopes.com or TruthOrFiction.com)

CHECK OUT THE PIC-- IT IS NOT A PHOTOSHOP PIC! SEND THIS ON OR PRINT THIS AND HAND OUT COPIES TO YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY WHO DO NOT HAVE EMAIL.

LET AMERICANS KNOW WHAT WE'LL GET IF WE VOTE FOR OBAMA.

Do YOU See what he's reading? Pass this on!

This certainly makes me question the whole candidate and what he says!

This SHOULD open your eyes! What IS IT THAT Obama does read?

...is reading "The Post-American World"--- IT IS THE MUSLIM/ISLAMIC VIEW TO DESTROY AMERICAN FROM WITHIN.

OMG, it's so scary, I don't know how I'll be able to sleep tonight...err...this morning!! How dare he read books! What is this world coming to when a politician voluntarily reads, and reads thought provoking books at that!

Check out the book on Amazon.com. I guess the writer of this email probably figures those 141 people who wrote reviews must be Islamic terrorists in disguise too, right? Hmmmm...people who think like that, forwarding this email, now THAT is something to keep you awake at night!

Not feelin' the blog thing tonight...

2008-10-09T23:58:00.000+13:00

That's right, I got nothin'. I've been putting off writing today because I was sure I'd find something to spark some rambling bit in my head, but nope, nothing that would make any sense to anyone.

So some videos, eh? Odd that I post video on my blog since I don't even watch television. Seriously people, the TV is in the junk room, unplugged, with god knows what piled on it. I'm not saying there is nothing good on TV, but here in NZ there is no PBS, and since I watched that more than anything in the US, yeah, TV ceased to interest me.

Anyway, I'm rambling. See, that's the problem with these NaBloPoMo, a junk post because I gotta post something today. But I won't be compete junk because this video is interesting:

He gets angry. NO DUH!

In all the drama of yesterday I totally forgot Michelle Obama was going to be on the Daily Show! Damn how I love this woman. Really, I do. I can't believe we actually have a shot at having her in the White House! Obama's choice in a life partner clearly reflects the kind of person he is, as does her choice of him.

Jon Stewart amuses me SO fucking much.

THERE! In right before midnight! Now I'm off to find the full Daily Show episode that has that interview, laugh, and eventually attempt sleep. Hah, imagine that, sleep.

Sticks and Stones Can Break My Bones....

2008-10-08T21:06:00.003+13:00

....but words will never hurt me.

Or can they?

"Terrorist!"

"Kill Him!"

"Treason!"

A racial epithet yelled at an African American sound guy followed by "Sit down, boy!" amid slurs hurled at members of the media after Palin riles the crowd up with how unjustly she was treated by Couric in her interview.

That old childhood rhyme was off a bit. Certain words used carefully can incite people to react with violence, which DOES hurt us!

Now I'm not accusing McCain and Palin of openly encouraging the members in attendance at their rallies to scream the things above. If this was only one isolated incident I probably wouldn't be writing this. But it seems to me a pattern is starting to emerge as the McCain/Palin campaign "takes the gloves off" for the final days of this election.

One of the most concerning things to me is both McCain AND Palin have not addressed these incidents. Not once. Of the 4 comments listed above, at least two have been caught on video. How many others at events within the last week have not? These are people we are supposed to be voting for to lead our country and they can't pause their speech for a minute to say, "Now there's no cause to be yelling things like that. We may not agree with our opponent's stance on things, but calling them a terrorist or suggesting we kill them or that they are guilty of treason is rather over the top. We're all Americans and love our country. We can disagree with people and still show respect for them."

But no, of course we wouldn't hear that. Why, during tonight's debate when commenting on something Obama voted for instead of saying "Senator Obama" or "Barack", McCain instead pointed in the direction of Obama and said "...THAT ONE!"

Referring to a person you are running against as "THAT ONE" has some dangerous connotations. When we cannot look someone in the eye, refer to them by name, or acknowledge they are a human being that deserves to be treated with respect and decency no matter how much we disagree with them, we have begun to dehumanize them. Dehumanizing our rivals makes it that much easier to excuse hate crimes, names, slurs, and acts of violence against them. Think about how that tactic is used now and how it was used in places like Nazi Germany to transform the "enemy" from humans to "vermin".

Is this the kind of change the McCain campaign seeks to bring us? Violence, aggression, hate, fear of those different from us, lies? How sick has our country become that this is acceptable behaviour?

Perhaps this is the new McCain/Palin tactic? If they can't take the White House they'll make sure as many people as possible are so fearful of Obama that his days in office won't last very long?

Unfortunately in the US we have a tendency to kill the visionaries that seek to transform our nation. And to be perfectly honest that is a deep, legitimate fear that sits in the heart of this supporter of CHANGE.

Alexander and Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

2008-10-07T23:40:00.003+13:00

Oh yes, it's been one of those days...wish fixing it were as easy as moving to Australia!

Chris has never heard of that book! What a deprived childhood;-P I loved it as a child and think of it every time I have a shit day. Today I tried reciting the book to Chris since parts of it are programmed in my head from my days as a pre-school teacher, laugh all you want to, I do one mean reading of Cat in the Hat! But alas I couldn't remember it all. Never fear, YouTube is here! Who would have thought to look there for children's books? Craziness. I checked out a few readings and found this one, which isn't what most people would call child friendly, but watching the first few minutes of it made me laugh and reminded me of something entirely different, a Mad TV spoof of Jackass.

But my favorite Mad TV clip is this one, it NEVER fails to make me laugh!

"I'm sick of The Man giving me the finger! Well here's your finger, BIATCH!! Take a picture!"

Guess he got poked in the tummy one too many times, can't say I blame him. LOL!!

Ahhh...after all that laughing I can almost forget the kind of day I had.

And I just realised tomorrow is the next presidential debate! Town Hall style. This should be interesting. Will we see McCain blow his top live on national TV?? One has to wonder...

Oooo...we're in trouble now!

2008-10-06T23:30:00.004+13:00

While at a rally in California yesterday, Palin thought she'd share the quote by Madeline Albright she found on the side of her Starbuck's cup.

"There's a place in Hell reserved for women who don't support other women."

Except for that's not quite what Albright said. The correct quote is:

"There's a place in Hell reserved for women who don't help other women."

Freudian slip maybe?

As the crowd cheered in response to Palin's comment she then said, "Okay, now, thank you so much for receiving that well. I didn't know how that was gonna go over. And now, California, let's see what a comment like I just made, how that is turned into whatever it'll be turned into tomorrow with the newspaper."

Ahhh yes, playing that 'mainstream media are a bunch of bullies' card an awful lot aren't ya Sarah! And right on top of playing the gender card! That oughta get you triple points or something!

Damn you Starbucks for tripping her up! We know you put that quote there just so she'd misread it and misquote it at her rally that morning! Don't worry, we're on to you, we know you're gunning for Obama. ;-P

Next I suppose McCain will have to screen each coffee cup to ensure the quote has been blacked out before she gets a hold of it and we have yet another misquote on our hands. *shakes head*

Or, she could just say she meant to do that...you know, it was a joke, we just didn't catch on 'cause we're humorless or something.

It's okay Sarah, don't worry. I'll bring the marshmallows and you can bring the graham crackers and with all the women that'll be in hell with us there's sure to be chocolate around. We'll have ourselves a grand time around the ole hell fire!

Stress Relief

2008-10-05T22:31:00.004+13:00

Mmmm mmm, Tina Fey and Queen Latifah. Gotta love those women.

Oh, and in case you missed it, check out SNL's take on the Couric interview, the first presidential debate, and of course, Fey's first Palin sketch.

Some people really should be smacked.

2008-10-04T23:56:00.001+13:00

I cherish freedom of speech, freedom of religion and all the others freedoms that we're supposed to have in the USA (never mind the idiots constantly chipping away at those things). I myself am no longer affiliated with any organised religions even though I definitely grew up in them, so being non-churchy I often find myself in debates with people who feel that all religions are dangerous and should be banned because of the extremists they breed. Being the rabid liberal I am, I wholeheartedly defend what I believe should be everyone's right to practice the religion of their choosing and talk about it all they want, even if I don't agree with them. Extremists can form out of any ideology, that's no reason to start banning things. When we restrict the freedoms of others we are really imprisoning ourselves.

I guess that's why when people use their freedom of speech to spew such vile hatred about another person I get frustrated. No, frustrated is not a strong enough word. I get pissed, abso-fucking-lutely pissed off. You can disagree with someone's political views and/or the things they say and do all you want, but comments like the ones in the above video go way beyond disagreement or sarcastic ranting.

Meh. I'm so mad about it I don't even want it embedded on my blog, it'll pollute my space too much.

Now for what made me smile this evening:

Homer definitely should sue. :-P

Of course, tampering with the vote is not a laughing matter, but I think I'll save that topic for another time and go watch The Daily Show to try and rid my mind of other things I've seen today.

2 down, 2 to go!

2008-10-03T23:12:00.005+13:00

I'm still trying to recover the brain cells I lost listening to Palin's ramblings that have nothing to do with the questions directed at her. Why the hell is it so hard to stay on point? I know the answer to that question, I mean, it's difficult to answer a question you don't have a canned response for, but really, WTF!?!

Her hairstyle amused me, had to let that hair down to seem even more the little woman next to the big, bad, Biden (plus it's easier to hide an ear piece that way). And the winking? Good god people, a candidate for VP winking at the audience repeatedly while spouting off folksy talk, cute little jabs, and why oh why do we have yet another person who cannot say NUCLEAR?? In all that debate practice could they not correct her on that?

Biden did as good as could be expected, in fact he did better than I thought he would. I'm proud of him, that practicing sure paid off. I mean, he did sigh a lot and laugh a few times, but can you blame the man? How frustrating must it be to have to debate with a person who several months ago hadn't a thought in her head about running as VP? I'm surprised he didn't totally lose his temper at some point and crush her for that "you're an idiot" voice she kept using over and over and over again with her condescending attitude! If he had spoken to her in the same way she was speaking to him, the media and the Republican party would have thrown a huge fit! But she can play the gender card, so gets away with whatever the hell she wants.

I hate that the moderator didn't push to get a straight answer out of her. But I guess that's not her fault really, her hands were tied thanks to McSame's whine-fest of the last few days over her book, as if he just now found out about it. *eyes rolling*

The scariest thing about the whole evening is that I know people who will come away from it with a glowing opinion of Palin because they aren't current enough with the facts to see through the lies upon lies she spouts off on a regular basis. Since after all, she said it on national TV, so it must be right....right?

When will people wake up and realise that we've already tried the "elect someone like your pal next door" approach and we got 8 bloody (literally) years of DUBBYA! Do we really want more of the same? I don't want someone in office like the soccer mom next door, I want some one who has spent a good part of their life in politics/law/community service. Someone who is smarter than me, more educated politically than me, who can pronounce the names of world leaders correctly, and who can say NEW-CLEAR instead of NU-CU-LUR!! I want someone who is calm, deliberate, open-minded, who doesn't foam at the mouth with the thought of going to war, who doesn't see all Muslims as the enemy, and who believes that we all deserve jobs with living wages, affordable health care, the right to decide what to do with our own bodies, and accessible education at all levels for EVERYBODY, not just the ones who have parents that can afford it!

I know, I know, I'm showing my idealistic tendencies, but I don't believe those things are so far out of our reach that we cannot attain them. They will be though if we keep electing power hungry idiots to the White House.

Quote of the Day

2008-10-03T00:30:00.002+13:00

"I’m not saying this is the perfect answer. If I were dictator, which I always aspire to be, I would write it a little bit differently."

Isn't he just a ray of sunshine! And that's how he speaks to people just conducting an interview? I'd hate to see how he'd talk to a world leader he doesn't care too much for... As if 8 years of Bush haven't damaged our international standing enough, people want to vote him in to finish off the job?

The VP Debate: Sure to be cringeworthy no matter who wins.

2008-10-02T23:55:00.000+13:00

Political blogs and news sites have been abuzz this week with (among other things) their predictions for the upcoming VP debates. Considering Biden's knack for rambling on far longer than he should and at times sticking his foot in his mouth, paired with Palin's um...well...ah...habit of repeating the same lines over and over again mixed in with phrases that are utter nonsense, most people will be glued to their TV sets (or computer screens) to see how it all plays out.

The McCain campaign has been negotiating strict rules about how things will go in this debate, so if Biden strays from the format at all I'm sure we'll all be hearing spin on it for days. Which strikes me as funny considering it was painfully obvious McCain refused to stick to the format decided on for the last Presidential debate!

Personally the whole thing makes me nervous. On the one hand she could give the same performance she has in the few interviews she's done and we'll all cringe our way through the debates, hoping everyone else wakes up and realises McCain's first executive decision was a disaster. Or she could come out so well rehearsed that all she has to do is stick to her coached answers, not be caught off guard by something she doesn't have a canned answer to, maybe even throw in a few feisty digs at Biden and Obama to get brownie points, and it'll be seen as a "win" for nothing more than the fact she made it through without falling on her face. Isn't that a little scary? The average American has set their expectations so low that anything less than a monumental disaster will be a win. *shakes head*

So Joe, please, for the sake of all, make your answers short and to the point. I know it'll be hard, but the less you say, the better you'll look. Talk in calm tones, be respectful, and try to not look like you think Palin is clueless, but don't look like you're trying to go easy on her 'cause she's a woman. Believe me, I would love to see you talk circles around her and have a real honest to goodness debate with her, but let's face it, people are a little too squeamish for that and hate you for picking on the little woman. She'll trash talk at you in that saccharine manner and everyone will let it go without blinking an eye, but if you fight back you'll look like the big, bad man. I guess what I'm trying to say is, give her enough rope and hopefully she'll hang herself.

It's pretty bad when a woman who just months ago criticised Hillary Clinton for not bucking up enough and giving all women in politics a bad name, is getting a free pass by so many voters because they either want to be her, be her best friend, or fuck her. Talk about sexism.

Somebody find my blankie, I don't know if I can watch this...

Vote!

2008-10-01T23:58:00.000+13:00

Topic of the month for NaBloPoMo is "Vote". As an American living outside the US, voting this year will be an entirely different experience than it was 4 years ago!

My last Presidential vote was cast in a tiny volunteer fire department building, with a pen and a paper ballot, sitting at a table with partitions that no one seemed to use. The woman who handed me the ballot and asked if it was the first time I'd voted (it was), smiled, and made a comment about how great it was to see young people coming out to give that good man another 4 years for the sake of our country. This was rural Alabama after all, so her comment came as no surprise. I smiled back and didn't have the heart to tell her I was one of those dreaded Democrats and there was no way in hell I'd willingly give that "good man" another 4 years to screw over our country. But believe me, I thoroughly enjoyed sitting there and casting one of the only votes for Kerry that probably came from that little polling place!

We all know how the election turned out, but I still remember that proud feeling I had as I placed my ballot in the box and stepped out into the early November rain. It makes think of all the new voters that have been registered this year through all the organisations working to ensure that everyone has a say and every vote is counted.

Today early voting starts in 8 states in the US, and absentee voters from around the world will also be voting this month(including me). Some states will close their voter registration soon (if they haven't already), while others allow registering up to the day of the election.

Have you registered to vote this year? If not, check out what your state requirements are and if still permitted, I encourage you to register and make your vote count! Don't know if you're registered or not? This site will hook you up with the info you need to find out if you are. Overseas? Try this site and be sure to check out the special shipping deals FedEx is offering for mailing your ballot to the US, in some places (like New Zealand) it's even free!

Is there such a thing as blog fright?

2008-10-01T17:17:00.002+13:00

"Do one thing every day that scares you." -Eleanor Roosevelt

That quote has been running through my mind for the past 20 minutes as I sit here staring at the empty text box on my screen. From the previous posts in this blog I'm sure anyone can tell I'm not the type that never has much to say, so the sudden loss of words has been a bit puzzling to say the least.

And then it hit me.

I have stage fright! Errr, or blog fright (if there is such a thing).

Usually I have no problem coming up with something to ramble about, but that's because not many people read my blog and most of the few that do I know personally, so having them read my writing is no big deal. But while trying to write this post it suddenly occurred to me that since I've decided to try the "post every day for a month" thing, once I'm added to the blogroll other people might stop by to have a read! Don't get me wrong, that's cool, I love to read other's blogs and have them respond to mine (I blog elsewhere on occasion with more readers), but somehow this is different.

I know it seems silly to have stage fright over such a thing, but since those kind of fears aren't rational to begin with, it is what it is. Standing on a stage about to give a speech is one of the only things that consistently leaves me speechless!

Surely it's just a passing thing, but 'til it goes I'll just have to do what they say to do when staring out at the mass of people before you:

Picture you all in your underwear. ;-P

Lessons learned the hard way

2008-09-14T19:05:00.003+12:00

I took this picture standing in the brush that stretched along the beach. What do you suppose was running through my head? "Wow, what an amazing view, I'm so lucky to be here soaking in this moment!" Mmmm...nope. Try more like "Hmmm, wonder how far off sunset is. We told the manager at the motel we'd be checking in soon, I bet we're still 30 minutes out, we've got to get on the road. I think there's a beach in Westport someone was raving about on that discussion board, I should go catch a sunset photo from there, it might be even better than this one!"

So we hopped in the car and set off for Westport. Me sitting in the passenger seat, agitated that we weren't there already, wondering what the other beach would look like, hoping the proprietors of the motel wouldn't be annoyed if we were a few minutes off schedule. Chris quietly trying to drive down the country road without hitting any stray cows. Oh yeah, and that tiny voice in the back of my head that was throwing a fit because we left the beach and were headed away from the sunset. It wanted to stay there, set up the tripod, and patiently wait for the sun to drop even with the horizon so it could capture the perfect sunset shot. But I had plans damn it, a travel checklist to adhere to, and a rumored great beach to get to before the sun set!

When we saw the clouds moving in over the mountains start to glow pink I knew in the pit of my stomach I'd made the wrong decision. I could feel that "oh you stupid idiot!" panic start to set in as my eyes scanned the roadside looking for any clue as to how far we had to go to reach Westport. 5 kilometers later we passed a little town called Carters Beach and a side road that I could see might have led out to the beach, but I didn't want to ask Chris to stop the car and turn around and risk that I might have been wrong. Glancing in the rear view mirror was painful, the sun was setting faster than I thought it would, clouds aflame in hot pink, deep orange drifting across the sky, it was stunning, and I kicked myself again. 10 kilometers more and we were in Westport. But wait, where was the beach? Down the center of town Chris drove, no beach in sight. We paused long enough to get our bearings and then headed in the direction of the water, hoping we'd hit the beach in time.

We never did find the "spectacular beach" of Westport. The road ended at a lighthouse type building with writing on the road reminding people to not stop and park their cars there. But there were 6-7 cars lining the road, stopped to watch the sunset. I grabbed the camera and took a picture in hopes of catching the hot pink color in the clouds while my eyes welled up with tears. To top it all off, the car decided it didn't want to start again, and we spent several minutes practically holding our breath, begging it to start. All I could think of is calling AA sitting in our rental car, stopped in a "no stopping" area at the tip of a tiny roadway stuck out in the water! Thankfully, it started after we gave it a few minutes, apparently it doesn't like to start right after you shut it off, so we had several "Please start, oh please, please, please start!" moments before we turned the thing back in.

Why did I leave that other beach? I have over a dozen photographs even better than the one I posted above (like my new header for example!), the rocks, the water, the foliage, the way it faced the setting sun, it was PERFECT. And I hopped in the car and sped away from it. Why? Because I wasn't in the moment. I was consumed with all the other things going on in my head, the perceived expectations of others waiting on me, the vague promise of a better beach elsewhere. Why didn't I stop when my gut told me to? Why didn't I ask Chris to turn around and go back? It would have been so easy, I'd have gotten the shot! Why? Because I felt like I had made a decision and so I needed to follow it through and stick with it.

I have a secret. Deep down within me I am an incredibly random and spontaneous person! I delight over simple things like the smoothness of a rock deposited on the beach by the ocean, the salty crispiness of perfectly done shoestring fries, the way a loved one's eyes twinkle when they laugh, packing an overnight bag and renting a hotel room in a town 2 hours away spur of the moment, just to enjoy a different bed, no internet, and a night with nothing else to do but get lost in Chris' arms. But there is something that keeps that person inside me tied up, pushed down, and gasping for air. Sometimes she rarely gets to see the light of day. I catch glimpses of her from time to time but for the most part the other "me" rules. The practical me. The one that tries to juggle it all, that makes plans, lists, appointments. The one that obsesses over the most minute details, who paces when we don't leave the house on time, that panics if it looks like we might be late for an appointment. The one that struggles with panic attacks when things seem to be spinning out of her control, the one who is so caught up in the past and the future that she fails to cherish the present.

I don't know how to let the me imprisoned inside me out in the same way I don't know how to make the other me CHILL OUT. But I know I've got to figure it all out because days are passing me by that I'm not living because I'm too busy caught up in the struggle between the two. And I'm tired of learning painful lessons the hard way because she makes me drown out the real me, the one that goes with her intuition, the one that whispers to me the right thing even as I turn away from her.

I learned a painful lesson that sunset day. It's never too late to turn around! We cannot let our fears of admitting we are wrong rule our lives so much that we "stay the course" all the while knowing within us we shouldn't. So the next time I'm in that car headed the wrong way I hope I have the guts to stop the car and turn around. Sometimes we drive away in search of the very thing that was there in front of us, we're just too blind to see it.

I'm 26 for a moment...

2008-09-12T23:21:00.002+12:00

Life is such an odd thing. The older I get the more I realise that time passes so fast and yet we still will it to go faster. When I was 9, my 10th birthday couldn't come fast enough because then I'd finally be allowed to get my ears pierced. Then I couldn't wait to be 13 because I'd be a "teen" then! I counted down the days until my 16th birthday, convinced that the closer I got to adulthood the better life would be, when that didn't materialise at 16 I figured by 18 I'd be all set for college and getting out of my parents house. At 18 that didn't happen as planned and I was ready to be 21 because I thought by then I'd have my path in life all sorted out!

On my 21st birthday I decided life was hell and I really wanted to go to sleep and never wake up, or at least fast forward through my life a good bit and come out once things sorted themselves out because surely at 23 things would be better! At 23 I forced myself to leave my parent's house to go visit family friends in Florida and stayed there for almost 6 months, trying desperately to get something moving in my life because I thought for sure I was doomed to be forever stuck there, then ended up actually going back there to live and thought I'd really fucked up then. I think 23 was one of the longest years of my life, but also the one I changed the most in, although 24 comes in a close second.

By my 25th birthday I was engaged, moved to a foreign country, and married! Talk about time moving fast! I thought my 25th year would find me in the US, starting college. You see, I have this anxiety over college. I didn't get to go when I was 18, and in hindsight that isn't such a bad thing because who I am now is quite far from who I was then, and at least I didn't take up 4 years getting a degree I'd never use. But it was okay, I figured I could still squeeze in a degree before I was 30, not too bad. Things never quite go to plan though, and now halfway through 26 I'm still in NZ, planning our next step in life. By the time I start school I'll be 27, so that degree won't come until I'm in my 30's and that does not make me very happy. I feel like suddenly life is rushing by at a breakneck speed and if I blink I'm going to miss the chance to do what I want to do. So I plan, fret, worry, obsess, plan some more, pace and I think I've about driven myself crazy. I feel like I'm constantly trying to play catch up with life.

Why do we do this? I know I'm not the only one to have this problem. When we're young we're in such a hurry to grow up that we spend our time pushing forward, trying not to think about how young we are, constantly fighting to be seen as older, wiser, more mature, anything to not be the kids we are. Then we find ourselves in our mid 20's and people are telling us we've got to get our career going, find a great person to "settle down" with, we get the grandkids question, and it seems as if everyone around us is pitching in to keep pushing us forward, always looking for the next thing, the next item on the checklist. Spouse? Check! 2.5 kids? Check! 9-5 office job? Check! Career path in place? Check! House and the debt that comes with it? Check! 2 cars? Check!

On and on we go, speeding through the list, becoming the people that society has convinced us we want to be until we hit our 40's and then all the sudden we dig our heels in and try to bring the ride to a screeching halt! How the fuck did we get close to half a century old? Where did our life go? We had dreams! Things we wanted to do, places we wanted to go, and now what of them? We have a house to pay off, kids in high school that we've gotta put through college, we barely recognise ourselves in the mirror, and that 9-5 job? We've always secretly hated it. Is it any wonder why so many people go through a "mid-life crisis" and try to scramble back and do all the things that they shoulda/coulda/wanted to do when they were in their 20's but they were too consumed with getting to the next goalpost to take the time to do it?

I've often wondered if the US is the only place that has the "mid-life crisis" problem, because your 20's often go a bit different in more British countries. Over here it's not uncommon to find people in their late 20's or early 30's in school still. Taking 6 months or a year off to travel after high school, after college, and even between jobs is not unusual either. My sister in law took 3-4 months off of work and toured parts of South America! She had the leave saved up, here you get 4 weeks leave per year, so that wasn't too hard to save up, and she's a year older than me, not married. Here Chris and I were considered a bit "young" getting married when we did, while in the US people figured I'd never get married since at 23 I had no prospects!

As much as I worry about spending the next 4, 6, 10 years in school pursuing some degree to get me closer to some career aspirations I have, more than anything else I fear being that person that has a mid-life crisis at 40 because I feel like I never gave myself permission to let go and LIVE while I didn't have the burden of a mortgage, kids to create a stable home life for, and a business to carry.

I am convinced that when we are 70 we look back and instead of thinking "I should have spent more time at work." we are instead wishing that we'd lived in the moment, taken more risks, spent more time with the people we loved instead of worrying about all the things that in the end don't matter so much. Several times I've had people in their 60's and 70's tell me to enjoy being young, take risks, live life to the fullest, and just go for things instead of obsessing over them because before I know it, the chance will have passed me by. But how? They never tell me HOW! Which brings me to my next blog topic---letting go.

Conundrum

2008-09-02T20:41:00.001+12:00

What do you do when you realise an opinion you've held for a long time is not quite what you thought it was? One that you've taken inside you and made a part of your very identity? How do you learn to let it go? Why do I end up with such vexing conundrums?

For a while now I've been wrestling with something so deeply ingrained in me that even debating it within my own mind feels like blasphemy. Back and forth I go until I've practically driven myself mad. When I can't contain it inside any longer I finally end up talking it over with a trusted someone else. It's funny how even voicing doubt over a personal opinion feels like you're being unfaithful to yourself!

This is not the first deep issue I've wrestled with in this way. I can replay in my mind's eye the times where I've felt the earth shift from beneath me as something I've based my whole self on crumbles to pieces. They say ignorance is bliss and they (whomever they are) are so right. The more I know the more I realise I don't know. The more I see the more I want to close my eyes and yet know I can't. I know too much and yet not enough.

The rational side of me demands concrete answers to the issues I wrestle with. The intuitive part of me knows that those absolutes aren't there. It's like there's a whole group of people inside my mind sitting at a round table and they are all parts of me. One by one they climb up onto the table in an attempt to dominate my thoughts and drown the others out. But it doesn't work. Someone drags them down and another clamors to be heard above the throng.

In the end I'll get things as sorted out as I can. I know the choice I have to make, but all those other parts of me are still rebelling over it. They all want to be right, they all have their evidence, it's like there are fucking lobbyists in my mind! *snort*

Oh how my INFPness gets on my nerve sometimes.

Another string to my bow.

2008-09-01T16:49:00.002+12:00

Last week I went to see my Rheumatologist for what I thought was a flare up of my arthritis. The last 2-3 months have been particularly bad, and I figured the cold winter weather paired with the rain just didn't sit well with my body, so my joints were flaring up and the fatigue came back. Even daily session with the elliptical machine couldn't keep the ache at bay, although it does help with the stiffness a bit!

Well, I was right, I'm in the middle of a flare up, but not from the arthritis. After a chat and some questions, pushing on all the spots that make me jump, and making me feel like produce battered around by a thoughtless cashier, the Rheumatologist explained his suspicions.

The pain I'm having is not from the arthritis. The "joint" pain is really pain from the muscles surrounding the joints, which is why different ones are aching then do when my arthritis is truly being temperamental. The deep muscle pain that I have in various points in my body including pretty much my whole back, neck, shoulder, and chest area, along with the weird sleep problems, cognitive issues, and increasing fatigue I've been having paint a distinct, non-arthritis picture.

What's up? His his opinion I have fibromyalgia. The particular odd sleep patterns are common in patients with Fibromyalgia Syndrome (FMS). Apparently most people don't wake up 4-5 times in a "good" night and 8-9 times in a "restless" night of sleep! I wouldn't know. I've had that problem since I was a teenager, along with the intermittent insomnia that keeps me up for days, muscles that always ache no matter how long or short an activity is, and a whole host of other things. The rain just seemed to intensify things, and the stress I've been under and the whiplash injury earlier this year probably added to it. I knew he'd been pressing certain points along my body to gauge my pain response, and while some have eased up, others are even worse. The ones that have eased are joint specific and probably are from the arthritis, where as the others according to a chart I came across are specific for fibromyalgia. I guess he'd been suspecting it for a while but wanted to make sure the pain wasn't from the arthritis, anemia, or Vitamin D deficiency I've been dealing with. All of those are responding to treatment well, so we're left with....this. To be honest I had a sneaking suspicion I'd hear that diagnosis at some point, I just didn't think it would come in addition to arthritis! *snort*

We've decided to keep my arthritis meds as they are because they obviously are working well, my joints aren't swollen, there's no heat in them and no pain if we take away the muscle pain. In addition we're going to try an extremely low dose of a medication to try and help my sleep cycle. Not a sleeping pill, the GP tried to give me those and I decided not to take them because I thought they'd make things worse. The Rheumatologist said sleeping pills are the wrong thing for this type of sleep problem, I'd end up addicted to them and still not feel better because they disrupt the natural sleep cycle, which I already have going on without are pharmaceutical help! Hopefully this other medication will work. I've been taking a tiny dose for a week now and will double that tonight to what will hopefully be the "maintenance dose". The theory is the medication will help my body relax like it should in the evening, and help me sleep a bit deeper so I'm less likely to wake up with every little thing. When that happens hopefully my muscles won't spend every night on full alert, and that will in turn impact my pain level and fatigue level without major pain medications! So *crosses fingers* it better work damn it!!

Part of me is frustrated to have yet another thing to deal with, but in truth I've been dealing with it all along, it just has a name now. With a name I can assure my body that I hear what it's trying to tell me, and I can learn about it and find ways to improve the matter! So I'm thankful really. After all the bullshit I put up with in other areas of the medical profession, at least I have one kick ass Rheumatologist!!

Foreign Body

2008-08-17T12:05:00.001+12:00

Two days ago Chris and I were roaming through a store when I came upon a clearance rack with a sweater I thought would fit. Finding clothes here that fit me and look alright is a rarity, and winter clothes even more so, and so I picked it up. They had 3 sizes near my size so I figured I should try on what I thought was the right size, just in case the cut was a bit narrow in the chest.

Once in the dressing room I took off my sweater and t-shirt and turned to take the sweater off the hanger, and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Now, our house only has 2 mirrors, a tiny one big enough to see your face in in the bathroom, and a full length one that is in the "stuff" room that isn't easily gotten to, so I rarely see my whole body in the mirror.

As my eye caught my reflection I gasped, looked away, then looked back in a double take. I couldn't believe what I was seeing, it took my breath away for a moment. It was like I didn't even recognise the body that my head was attached to. This was not the body that I came to New Zealand with at all. Since being here I went through a phase where I gained over 50 lbs in the course of about 4 months, thanks in part to a lovely issue known as PCOS. As if gaining the weight wasn't enough, it also prevents you from getting it back off, at least, until you find a doctor willing to meet you halfway. I do my part. I eat well, cut back on grains, have an elliptical machine that I get on as often as I can (except for when I'm banned from it by the doctor because my arthritis is being a bitch), but in the end I can only do so much and when I can't find a doctor who will read the latest studies and work with me to get this thing under control, well, I'm fucked.

So I'm left with this...foreign body. It is. It's foreign. This is not me. I don't recognise it. I work so hard to nourish and care for my body and this is what I get? Why?

After regaining my breath I tried to smile at myself in the mirror, say "I love you, it's okay, we'll find help soon.", and pull the sweater over my head. It was a bit too small. While I used to have to buy clothes to fit my bust because it was the biggest part of my upper body, now I buy to fit the massive tire situated around a "beer belly" situated around my waist. It's not fair to have a beer belly when I don't drink beer.

I got dressed quickly, grabbed the next size up, and got out of the store. Don't get me wrong, I love me, but I feel like I'm living inside a foreign country, and I'm not talking about New Zealand.

I ran away from home!

2008-08-11T11:59:00.002+12:00

After reading my last post I realised I forgot the "life-wise" part! *snort*

Life is not bad. Busy, random, too slow and WAY too fast all at the same time. My life is good all things considered.

I did run away from home last week, which turned into one entertaining trip. Well, to be more specific Chris and I BOTH ran away from Auckland, in hopes of enjoying the sunshine that decided to grace us with it's presence after the 2 weeks of gray hell. I guess it had been on vacation too. *wink*

We left the computer/internet at home and went to Coromandel....and stayed in Coromandel Town. Now I really should have known from the name that it might be one of those "exists just for tourists" towns, but I read about the history of the town and so figured it wouldn't be too bad, right?

Wrong! Granted, we got a good deal at the place we stayed, but the town? Can I just say that $27 for a main dish at an average place anywhere in NZ outside of Auckland is absolutely ridiculous. Seriously, they should rethink their prices. How do "locals" afford to eat there? There were a few cafes with a bit better prices, but still pretty much Auckland prices... The grocery store was a little 4Square with prices higher than what I pay here, but I expected that as well. After having an interesting dinner at the fish and chips shop that charged a price I'd have never paid for a chicken burger had I any other food choice, we ended up picking up brown rice, broccoli, and a lentil dhal at the 4Square to cook in our room for dinner, kicked back on the bed, and enjoyed the movie channel. I think that was the first time we've watched TV in months.

When we set out for Coromandel Town we didn't know exactly what to expect having never been there, but we did know we wanted to make a day trip of Wednesday to see the other side of the peninsula. We arrived Tuesday night and came back to Auckland on Thursday, so that really only gave us the one day to explore, plus, rain was in the forecast for Thursday night and Friday, not the best driving/exploring conditions, so that helped to keep our trip really short. Unfortunately, when we wet out on Wednesday to follow the road through the mountains, we ran into a problem--a "Road Closed" sign to be exact! After a quick moment consulting the map we saw there was one more route to the other side, a bit longer than the first, but still not too bad. So we turned around and sought out the other road over the mountains. Just when we thought it would be smooth sailing we ran into a big construction crew that was stopping traffic because one side of the road was closed, so the other side (one lane mind you) had to be used for traffic in both directions (something I've noticed in NZ a lot). Seeing the long line of traffic waiting to be let through and not knowing how long the construction would last for, I looked at Chris and said "I think this is a sign we're meant to stay at the motel and chill for the day. There will be no going over the mountains!" And that's how we ended up in our room for the afternoon/evening.

In the end nothing went to plan, and I got annoyed, but then reminded myself that we were being spontaneous, plans often never go by the book, and that's okay, there's no one here to yell at me for it. Chris and I both help each other laugh it off. It's good. Living with Chris helps me feel less like I have to obsess and manage every little thing all the time. Old habits die hard, but they are dying, and I feel a little less weighed down by the day. I have to remember my "wabi-sabi" mantra!

But something tells me this is just a shadow of things to come if we plan a trip to the South Island. Not to mention Chris says the roads are even scarier down there, and I thought that driving on sea and mountain roads without a foot of road for a shoulder was scary enough!

I'm a bad, bad blogger...

2008-08-11T11:00:00.005+12:00

Yes, I am. I'm neglectful of my blog. In my defense though, I think of things to post here all the time, I just never actually get it typed! Sad excuse, I know...

Really, this blog is me trying to keep track of all the odd things I get up to health-wise and life-wise. So, how about an update?

Health-wise: Doctors suck. Insurance companies suck more. After deliberating over the "pay out of pocket to play Russian Roulette with the Endocrinologists listed in the phone book" I've decided maybe my best bet is to save my money and go see the "Holy Grail" of doctors when I get back to the US. Granted, that'll be a while from now, but hey, if the medical community as a whole can ignore my problems and keep playing pass the buck, I suppose I can keep coping with it on my own for a little while longer and save myself the humiliation, frustration, and about $360 per doctor's visit! *big grin*

So, I've decided to monitor my blood sugars at home, especially post meal. I know my fasting glucose is never in the "bad" range, but the more reading I've done, the more I've learned that the current "medical guidelines" are missing tons of women with diabetes because while their fasting glucose is normal, their post meal glucose levels are too high, so damage is already being done to their body and they don't know it. We really have something wrong in our medical system when something like 50% of people diagnosed with diabetes will be diagnosed with a diabetic neuropathy at the same time they get the big "D" diagnosis. That means they've had it for years and it's been slowly destroying their body while their doctors have being saying all is well.

I refuse to be that woman. PCOS and it's lovely weight gain puts me at a high risk, family history at an even higher risk, and a previous Glucose Tolerance Test that had me sitting on the edge of "prediabetes" means that odds are with no treatment I'll be diabetic within the next 6-10 years. Except, we don't know how long I've been this way, and if I've had these things since I was 19-20 (which is what I'm quite sure of) at 26 I'm getting rather close to that 10 year mark. Too close for comfort. Now, the elliptical machine in my living room paired with my already healthy eating habits carb and portion wise are fighting back that risk, but with my hormonal profile the way it is nothing is going to help this as much as the medical treatment I need that everyone is too busy twiddling their thumbs to provide.

I should clarify that I'm not bitter, just tired, and frustrated. Both for myself, and others I know of who are getting shafted by the medical system. In the last month I've heard of a friend whose 2 yr old baby died due to gross medical negligence, and another friend whose uncle was diagnosed with terminal cancer, thanks to a doctor who didn't take anything seriously and let his illness to get much worse without proper treatment.

I'm not dead, or dying (at least not today, far as I know) so I think I have an obligation to throw a fit for those that can't anymore. Something has to change. I don't know how I'll change it, but I'll figure something out.

Day 17

2008-07-09T21:14:00.003+12:00

17 days into this no gluten thing and although I have to get rather creative with food, I think it's worth it. Yesterday I unfortunately ended up eating some real (with gluten) bread and it was just...eh. My stomach was surprisingly not impressed, I didn't expect it to hurt from eating bread. Remember, I don't have Celiac's or anything, so I didn't figure I'd have any problem eating it if I had to (and I had to yesterday, long story...). So I don't know what that means, I'm guessing it may have been unhappy with the combination of food I ate, but either way, this requires further thought.

In other news I decided to try taking a digestive enzyme supplement again. This one is totally different than the others that I've taken (and have made me ill). In addition, I'm taking a pre/probiotic with a pretty impressive composition, so I'm very happy with it too. I got them in the mail today so I've been taking them and things have been pretty peaceful, a nice change from yesterday and last night!

I made mexican food tonight and found the best rice recipe ever... http://www.recipezaar.com/117892 It is soooo good. Reminds me of the type I used to eat in restaurants before moving to "The Land of No Good Mexican Food" (well, except for the one place some Americans moved here and started, but it's more Cali-Mex).

Day 10

2008-07-02T23:22:00.002+12:00

As of today I've been gluten free for 10 days, and I have to say it's been going pretty good! Most days I haven't had the bloated tummy feeling I was getting after eating bread or pasta, my body feels a bit more in balance, and my head feels a bit clearer.

Now, I think that is probably because with most grains gone my food choices have been easier to balance protein/carb wise, but it could be because of not eating the grains themselves. I have an endocrine problem which causes me to be pretty much pre-diabetic. As a result I have to be careful about the balance of food I eat to prevent my blood sugar from spiking. No, I don't have to monitor my blood sugar or anything, but I know trying to keep my eating habits close to those of a diabetic will help keep me from developing diabetes in the future.

Anyway, the food in general has been really good! Since I eat a lot of fruits and veggies I have plenty of variety in my diet. I have to make more effort to cook these days, but that's a good thing IMO. Grain foods are convenient, we throw something on two pieces of bread and call it a sandwich so we can eat and go back to what we were doing, but I think that often we can do better. I've been eating a bit of rice, as well as some rice crackers (I've always loved them). I decided that quiona is just not for me, at least not in it's whole form, too crunchy. The texture is what I imagine caviar must be like to eat. Blech. But, I'm going to try cooking with the quinoa flakes I found at some point.

Tonight, I had my first taste of gluten free bread. Chris found out that a local burger place offers gluten free buns for their burgers, so I got one with grilled chicken, pear, caramelised onions, and brie (along with other burger toppings). Soooo good! The bun was interesting. The parts that had become damp from the tomato relish were almost a mealy texture, not doughy like you'd find with regular bread. It had that almost stale texture too, but I expected that since I've had baked goods that use "alternative" flours before. All it all it was really good though. I'd eat it again. And I'm glad I got to try it and appreciate what that restaurant is doing for the gluten free community around here. Offering diverse food choices that cater to food allergies is a great thing. They even took the time to point out on their menu that their fries are not gluten free (though I think most gluten free eaters would assume that!).

Mixing it up in the kitchen...

2008-07-02T22:51:00.004+12:00

My body once again hates the food I eat. So what's a girl to do?

Go gluten free for a while.

"Gluten free!" you gasp. Yes, gluten free. Bye bye wheat and all your little gluten filled buddies, for several weeks I'm cutting you out!

"But why?" you ask. Simple. Something I've been eating on a daily basis is making the natives VERY restless, and that's just no way to live! Now I love bread and pasta as much as the next person (and maybe a little more considering my vegan years) but no food is worth feeling miserable all the time. And what good is any food when it can't stay in my body long enough for me to absorb any nutrients from it? None. So, I've got to figure out what's going on. And how many foods to we really eat consistently every day? For me, not that many. I eat as wide a variety of foods as I can. The only sure things in my daily diet are bread of some form, oatmeal, peanut butter, odds are some form of dairy, and whatever fruits and veggies cross my path.

Since the only tried and true way to figure out food intolerances is by some form of rotation diet, that's what I'm doing. It's always worked before. Either one food I'm eating isn't right for me anymore, or a combination of them together is causing the upset (sometimes this is found with dairy and grain together). My solution therefore is to go 3-4 weeks without gluten or oats. That gives me enough time to see if it makes any difference. During that time I'll eat some form of dairy every day. If I'm still noticing problems every day then I'll cut out the dairy and peanut butter. By then things should be calm. If not then I can only assume there is something more complex going on with my digestive system in general, and I'll suck it up and go talk to the doctor.

I should also point out that I have an autoimmune disorder (some arthritis like thing) that is flaring at the moment, so could be influencing this whole drama. However, when trying to find the source of my long standing iron deficiency anemia (still a bit of a mystery) the doctor tested me for Celiac's disease and the blood work came back negative. So I'm pretty sure I'm not having an autoimmune response to gluten at the moment. But the blood test can't tell you anything about intolerances (since they occur in different ways) so the only way to figure it out is to cut it out of my diet entirely for a while.

Should be fun I think! I'm always up for a challenge in the kitchen. After working in food service for years I've picked up some skills and am a pretty decent cook if I do say so myself. So I say bring it on...lets see how creative I can get with this! Life is too short to eat bad food (or food that hates you)!

I love food, but sometimes it doesn't love me...

2008-07-02T22:23:00.003+12:00

I'm a food geek, I admit it. I think about the food I eat more than most people I suppose. The nutritional composition of it, where it's come from, what's in it, who made it, how it could be made better, it's all swirling around in my head every time I take a bite of something. I suppose growing up with various food restrictions (my mom was Seventh Day Adventist) caused me to pay attention to what exactly I was eating as a kid, and with a mother who was rather particular about the food she ate in general, the habit just became more complex as I got older. When I was 14 my parents decided we were all going vegan. VEGAN. Us kids were less than impressed with all that. I mean, vegetarian we could get behind, but vegan?? They had good intentions though. My siblings both had rather severe asthma and my mother was hoping cutting out dairy products would impact their asthma for the better (it did, substantially' and was so worth it.)

And then when I was 19 I developed my first food intolerance--corn. I was heart broken, it was my favorite vegetable and suddenly I couldn't eat it without becoming violently ill. It was strange to say the least. I suspect a bad case of the flu I had immediately prior to reacting to corn caused my body to be in the perfect state to have a reaction, but we'll never really know for sure I guess. All I knew was that it sucked. But, I learned to live with it and get on with life, carefully avoiding a food I used to wolf down with gusto. Then, later that summer I got the same reaction to watermelon. Oh you can imagine how mad I was. The peak of summer in the southern US? All you feel like eating is watermelon! But after pushing the issue a few weeks after the first reaction I quickly made peace with the fact that my body was less than impressed with watermelon. It was okay though, I figured I'd just eat cantaloupe or honeydew melon instead, since they were in season and had the cool, refreshing qualities I loved so much in watermelon. But my digestive system had other ideas, and they were quickly added to the growing list of "foods to avoid".

Over the next few years oranges, tomatoes, lettuce, most greens, all bagged vegetable products in the grocery stores, and even apples were added to the list, as well as whole grains. I could eat highly refined grain products like pasta or bread products made with white flour, but any whole grain would have me writhing in pain. I think that was the most mysterious of all. Why whole grains? Why was the processed versions okay? I began to notice the trend with a few other things too. Like, fresh tomatoes--bad. Ketchup--fine. Oranges--bad. Small amounts of cooked orange juice concentrate--fine. Musing about it one day my mom and I decided that perhaps the reason they worked was because the offending food was processed to the degree that my body didn't quite recognise it as offensive....either that, or whatever was offending me was removed in the processing. We figured maybe I was reacting not to the foods, but the pesticides used on them as they grew? In time I had to leave my vegan way of eating in order to diversify my diet a bit. I'd read several studies done that showed some people with a family history of food allergies can "activate" them after restricting their diet radically and was concerned maybe veganism had helped trigger it. After that the development of new sensitivities halted for the most part, which I took to be a good sign!

Fast forward several years and I found myself living here in New Zealand. Moving to a new place is always a challenge, but when you have various food sensitivities that have you living in your bathroom for days, well, it's even more so. I recall many days when I first got here spent curled up on the bed, sick from some food that somehow contained something not compatible with me. But after living here for a while and trying new "safe" things and such, I began to notice my body calming down in some ways. One day I ended up eating something I didn't intend to (tomatoes) and yet an hour later I still hadn't had a reaction. Can you imagine how elated I was? I called my mom and almost bawled over the fact that I wasn't sick, and she spoke the words that had been milling around in my head "What else do you think you might be able to eat?" What else indeed. Apples, lettuce, and tomatoes turned out to be just fine here. My only guess is that either they are a different variety, or whatever chemical I was reacting to in the US is not in use here. In the last 6 months I've added in some whole grains as well!

But, last month it started all over again. Nothing seems to sit well, I dread eating, and I know every detail of my bathroom (if I owned the place it would be totally redone by now). Not good. So what's a foodie to do? Start a new post about my solution...LOL

How a perfectionist came to know wabi-sabi

2008-06-22T22:02:00.001+12:00

I'm a perfectionist. I think I inherited it from my mother. Looking back I can see it in her frustration at not being able to keep a spotless house with 3 children running around all day, in her agitation at not being on time for something, in the way she would purse her lips and sigh when walking into my bedroom (aka "the disaster area"). Somehow it infected me at a young age, I remember coloring a picture as a child and being so mad with myself when I colored outside the lines that I would immediately flip to another page in the coloring book and start again. If only perfection were as easy to obtain as we get older...but it isn't. The constant pursuit of said perfection in this world is a recipe for insanity and in my teens it was something that made large portions of my life a living hell. I felt the need to control everything, because without control over something I couldn't make it perfect, and if it couldn't be perfect then what was the point in fucking with it to begin with?

Clearly something had to change, but how? I went through the rest of my teens still trying to make everything do exactly what I wanted, and panicking over everything that didn't fall neatly into place. I think my Christian background didn't help the matter any. I felt like I had to keep track of every wrong so I could ask forgiveness for it, keep a close watch on everything I did and said, and felt the weight not only of my own imperfections but the imperfections of everyone around me. Sure, I was told that it was okay to be imperfect because only Jesus could be a perfect human, but it all just felt so wrong to me.

Right before I turned 21 the world I was trying to juggle fell apart. I'm not going to repeat it here, but it was big, scary, and the effects of those months shoved me into a deep depression, worse than any I had dealt with before. Coming out of it was long and hard and along with the perfectionistic streak still whipping my ass I got the bonus of panic attacks! Such fun! And yet, during that time I felt something struggling to be left behind--the religion I was raised in. Through studying different religions and in specific the goddess traditions in paganism I learned something that Christianity failed to teach me. That this world is of our own creation. Within us all is divinity and we each day create the lives we live. They are not always ideal, they are not all a bed of roses, there are struggles we all face, but at the end of the day they are what they are, and there is completeness in them. I realised for the first time that it was okay to not have an absolute answer for everything, some things can only be known in time, and some things will in all honesty elude us for a lifetime. I learned a lot of other things, but that will come in later posts I'm sure.

While studying Japanese concepts I first learned about wabi-sabi, but it didn't sink in fully until about a year later. I was talking with Chris (the one I'm married to now) and had said something I can't recall now and Chris's response to it was something about how wabi-sabi my outlook was. Intrigued I looked into it further and the changes in my perfectionism finally clicked. One of the most valuable things I had learned was to appreciate the beauty in everything around me and that "imperfections" are often the very thing that make something so beautiful. Think of all the beauty we'd miss if everything was flawless. Beauty is fleeting, everchanging, and rarely ever perfect in the eyes of everyone, and that's okay. And in that new concept of beauty I was able to finally breathe, relax, and take a step back from the obessive pursuit of perfectionism.

Yes, there are still days when I obsess because the bathroom is a mess, the laundry pile I just folded has fallen over and I haven't gotten to everything on my to-do list. But then sparkling sunlight playing off a flower just past its "prime"catches my eye and everything pauses around me as I grab the camera to capture the perfect wabi-sabi moment happening right before my eyes.

What is success to you?

2008-06-20T06:02:00.000+12:00

Chris and I watched a movie called "School of Life" this past weekend on the recommendation of the woman in the video store. We probably would have never watched it since I normally avoid sappy movies that make me cry, but Chris went to the video store alone and so that's what we ended up watching. *snort* After watching it I have to admit I highly recommend it! It has a good message...made me a bit teary but in a good, sappy way..and made me laugh and think about the things that were most important to me to accomplish in life.

There are certain things I want to accomplish in my life, but beyond that, what it all boils down to is much the same as this bit of prose by Bessie Anderson Stanley.

When all is said and done, what is your definition of a successful life?

Success
He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much;
Who has enjoyed the trust of pure women, the respect of intelligent men and
the love of little children;
Who has filled his niche and accomplished his task;
Who has left the world better than he found it
Whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem or a rescued soul;
Who has never lacked appreciation of Earth's beauty or failed to express it;
Who has always looked for the best in others and given them the best he had;
Whose life was an inspiration;
Whose memory a benediction.

--1904 Bessie Anderson Stanley

Relationships...

2008-06-05T15:34:00.002+12:00

"An honorable human relationship---that is, one in which two people have the right to use the word 'love'---is a process, delicate, violent, often terrifying to both persons involved, a process of refining the truths they can tell each other.

It is important to do this because it breaks down human self-delusion and isolation.

It is important to do this because in so doing we do justice to our own complexity.

It is important to do this because we can count on so few people to go that hard way with us."

-Adrienne Rich

Hello, my name is Tiara....

2008-05-29T15:24:00.000+12:00

....and I'm a chocoholic.

Go on, laugh, but it's true. I have a major addiction and it gets worse by the day as I find more and more varieties of my drug of choice.

My current supply? In order of quality (the highest at the bottom, always end with the best...*wink*):

Bulk bin semi-sweet chocolate bits- I sprinkle a few of them on my oatmeal in the morning and suddenly I don't hate eating it quite so much! (the addition of peanut butter makes it even better...*drooling*)

Whittaker's dark chocolate- This is a NZ brand they sell in big bars, but unlike the big bar chocolate in the US, this is actually kickass chocolate, WAY worth buying. The snap is pretty clean, it melts well, no gritty texture here, it is really smooth on the tongue....yummy, and great when you have a craving you need sated immediately!

Whittaker's bittersweet chocolate with cocoa nibs- Just enough sweetness that you can eat more than one bite, with little pieces of cocoa nibs (shelled cocoa beans that are then chopped up) that make for an interesting texture and double chocolate treat!

Lindt Excellence 85% cocoa chocolate- This is a hardcore chocolate. The first time I bought one of these bars I popped a whole square in my mouth, then promptly choked it down and ran for water to rinse my mouth of the wickedly bitter taste! I was horrified at the taste of it. After a few days I decided to brave it again, and this time broke off a square, smelled the chocolate, let it warm slightly in my hand, and then nibbled off a corner and let it melt on my tongue while I concentrated on tasting more than just the lack of sugar. 30 minutes later the square was gone and I wasn't chugging water. I think of it as retraining my tastebuds to appreciate chocolate in a more "true to nature" form and now buy a bar every now and then to repeat the process, reset things, and remind myself of how good chocolate can be without all the sugar.

Dagoba Chai- Milk chocolate with bits of crystallised ginger and chai spices blended in to make a spicy treat. Potent like a good cup of chai! You wouldn't eat a whole bar of this all at once (would be a costly habit anyway), but it makes for a good nibble while trying to warm up in the winter (like it is here right now!)

Dagoba Lavender- Lavender and bits of dried blueberries blended into dark chocolate make this one of the more unusual chocolates I've tried. The floral note reminds me a bit of chocolate-dipped rose turkish delights! I can't eat more than one bite at a time, but that's not a bad thing. I used to hate the thought of any flowers in food. But I like orchids in cookies and salad, I now love jasmine tea when I used to think it tasted like perfume, and I like rose turkish delights and rosewater in cocktails, so maybe I'll grow to like lavender in chocolate? Who knows, I'm still forming my opinion about the combination, but if someone gave me another bar of it I wouldn't be mad so that says something...

I adore Dagoba chocolate in general. Sustainability-minded, organic, they know where their cacao comes from--from pod to finished bar--and I think that's a beautiful thing! So if you are a fellow chocoholic, stop in at your nearest whole food store and hunt down a bar in your favorite flavor, you won't be sorry!

Valrhona Manjari Orange- This dark chocolate has a rather acidic tang to it which plays really nicely off the tiny bits of dried, candied orange nuggets that you taste in each nibble. I don't normally love orange in chocolate, but this one actually works well!

That is the priciest bar in my house by far (Chris brought it home for Valentine's day). My love of this brand is purely Chris' fault! That fucker actually took me into a gourmet food store to cheer me up one day (dangerous venture for all involved since I could spend hours and entirely too much money in one) and walked me past the chocolate, and then STOPPED! Well, that was it. Confronted with all the chocolate I had only read about in foodie magazines I couldn't see straight. Who puts the chocolate display at the front of the store where everyone has to walk by it? Brilliant marketers, that's who! Anyhow, the sleek black packages drew me in, all nicely lined up on the shelves, varieties of cacao from all over the world...mmmm... It was on sale so I could justify getting one bar, I can't remember which one it was now, some really dark variety. I left the store with just that and a tube of peppercorns (so our bank account survived). I rationed that chocolate out for weeks and loved every bit of it. So this bar for Valentine's Day was greeted with a ridiculous happy dance!

Now, before you go thinking that I eat mass quantities of chocolate everyday and spend tons of money on it I have to explain something. I eat good chocolate very slowly...and I keep it out of "munching" reach. I break off a piece, then put it away, then go and enjoy the piece because I know if I don't I'll end up mindlessly munching instead of enjoying the complexity of flavor and wicked experience a bite of good chocolate brings. I know it may sound crazy, but I think I eat my chocolate in the same way wine lovers savor a good glass of wine. Sure, sometimes I want to just munch something and so I'll pick up a candy bar and have my sugar fix, but that is hormonal binging, much akin to a wine lover downing box wine to get drunk.

Anyway, there you have it... So tell me, what is YOUR addiction?? What do you stockpile and protect from the rummaging of others?

5 Fears and Dreams

2008-05-15T06:11:00.000+12:00

5 Fears and Dreams

If you know me well, average, or not at all, this is for you. Post 5 fears then 5 dreams of yours and let me know when you post them so I can read!

5 Fears

1. Driving. I know, sounds crazy, but it's true! Driving scares me. It has taken me years but I think I've finally come to the root of it--I can't control the other cars. I don't worry about my own driving so much as I worry about all the other people on the road, doing stupid things, driving drunk, or high, swerving into my lane, changing lanes without signaling, cutting me off, etc... Since I can't control everything in that environment I don't feel safe, and when I don't feel safe I panic...which leads me to my second fear...

2. Panic attacks. I have them on occasion, wish I didn't. My fear is having one in public and not being able to get to a "safe zone" before I come unraveled. Odds are most people that know me have been around me on the verge or right smack dab in the middle of a panic attack, and never realised it. I'm good at hiding them and controlling them, but I can only hold it all in for so long them I have to decompress, and I prefer to do that in private. A "safe zone" can be a person, or place, something familiar where I can control what is around me enough to breathe again. Makes life interesting for sure!

3. Loving and losing. I fear allowing myself to become attached to something, someplace, or someone because all too often once I become attached and allow myself to believe it is truly there, it goes away, mostly from someone taking it away. I can't trust that things will be there tomorrow, especially when that thing is something really good in my life. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. So I live in the moment fearing the future because experience has taught me that when I really, truly connect with and love something it leaves or gets taken away. Now, that doesn't stop me from becoming attached (unfortunately I'm too feelings oriented to manage that), I am deeply attached to people, places, and things in my life. But when they go away it leaves a gaping wound in me that I grieve over and have to find a way to heal. I really think a lot of people have this fear but pretend they don't.

4. Claustrophobia. Whether by walls in a small room, or people in a crowded store, I fear being closed in. I've read that it is a phobia that can be inherited, and since I know several people in my family with the same issue I don't doubt that it is. Even really tight clothing can bring on the suffocating feeling. I'll still go to malls, go into a walk in freezer, get on elevators, and all those things because I refuse to live by my own limitations, but every now and then I misjudge whether I'll be okay with something and attempt something my inner self wasn't prepared for and BAM, panic attack. Meh.

5. Limitations. My biggest fear by far is being limited by my fears to the point I become a hermit one day. I have far more fears than listed here (and anyone who knows me can name a few of them I bet!) So I cry, bite my nails, breathe deeply, and suffer through panic attacks in order to keep that from happening. I make myself capture bugs and put them outside instead of killing them (all the while chanting "eww, eww, eww"), I stand at lookout areas and remind myself to not look down and everything will be okay (and I hopefully won't get vertigo), I love things with every fibre of by being even though I think they're gonna go away (because what is life without love?), I go to dinners and meet strangers all the while freaking out in my head (social anxiety), all in an effort to keep from living my biggest fear of all. In that respect I think this particular fear is a healthy thing, it keeps me doing as many things as possible.

Now for the happy good thing! 5 Dreams

1. I dream of being a counselor/therapist. Whether that is as a life coach, or sex therapist, or psychologist, or relationship counselor, I dream of helping people through the problems they struggle with everyday. I believe that when struggling through trials in life, most of us don't need someone to "fix" the issue, we just need someone there who will hold our hand while we walk our path. We have wisdom and truth within us to face our problems, we just sometimes need someone to remind us to trust in ourselves, breathe, and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Listening to others problems and talking through their worries and frustrations is second nature to me, so I really feel I'm meant to use that gift in a way that benefits others.

2. I dream of home. Of having my things around me, my people around me, of having a place that I can call home that I feel settled in. Doesn't mean I have to stay there forever, I think really "home" is just a state of heart/soul. I'm closer than I've ever been, so I think that the rest of the pieces will eventually fall in place until it all resonates within and without. I have an emotional/spiritual place that feels like home, now I'm looking for a physical space that I can call my own....and put earth friendly, non-latex paint on the walls!!!

3. I dream about the future and living my life to the fullest. I wonder who I'll be as I get older, what profession I'll be pursuing, what country I'll be living in, who I'll have around me. I dream of living way past what most people do, of being that crazy aunt and eventually great aunt that has so many stories to tell and those bits of wisdom that make things click. I wonder if we'll adopt a child and if I'll be a mother, if I'll be a grandmother. I want to be one of those people that makes 50 look like the new 30 and 90 look like the new 50. LOL!!! I'm bound and determined to make sure those that I love see that time as well. I want to have lots of friends around me that tell stories of all the things I got up to when I was younger.

4. I dream strange dreams. Some are really vivid, others are just impressions. Some are premonitions and come true, others haven't come true yet but I know they will. Some I wake up laughing about, others people wake me out of because I'm screaming and crying. I know some people have very calm dream lives, but I'm not one of them! Often times I can't remember my dreams when I wake up, but I'll get flashes of them later that stir my memory and they come flooding back. I dream of places or events and when they happen I get that strong rush of deja vu and know that I've been there before...just maybe not physically. On occasion I have dreams about people that I feel I have to tell them about...and I hate that because they are usually warnings and it just makes everyone uncomfortable in general.

5. I dream of better days for those around me, whether they be friends or people I don't know who are affected by tragedies half a world away. I dream of progress being made in politics, religion and the global consciousness so that we affect a positive change in the world around us and ease some of the pain that others are in every day. I suppose that's the ultimate dream for an idealist type--to live in an ideal world. But I don't think an ideal world means no pain and has to be perfection and roses and sunshine everyday. There is startling beauty in the imperfection of many things in life...and it is by working through things that we learn to appreciate that beauty. I just dream that we all will one day be a helping hand to one another in an effort towards unification of humanity in general. We all have more in common than we like to think...and we can all do things that make a world of difference in the lives of those around us, if we only open our eyes and look for the opportunity.

Sweet! That's done...now it's YOUR turn!

If it’s not one thing it’s another...

2008-05-09T19:33:00.001+12:00

When my health started to go straight to hell in the past year Chris and I were pleasantly surprised to find that the traveler's insurance I have refunded the thousands of dollars in doctors fees that quickly built up. It was a load off our shoulders, especially when remembering the mass drama I had to deal with in the US with certain insurers that are crap and refused to cover anything...

A load off until today.

Unbeknownst to me the policy now has a "26 week Benefit Clause" that basically states that any disablement is covered for a maximum of 26 weeks, after which no further payments will be paid out for treatment. By disablement they apparently mean anything from a massive heart attack to a cold. (I'm pretty sure this is a new clause since my last renewal.)

This was pointed out to me when I requested preapproval for the surgery I need to have to deal with the abnormal lining of my moody uterus. According to the customer service rep my coverage period for "that condition" ends May 23rd! The earliest available date for the surgery? Either May 26th or (more likely) June 6th. I can't just be randomly worked into the doctor's surgery schedule because my lovely latex allergy requires that I be the first in the OR...and the doctor doesn't do surgeries every day. Far as I can tell there is probably one surgery date between now and the 23rd....and it was booked up last time he checked.

So unless I work some sort of magic the lining will stay where it is...and we get to cross our fingers and hope it doesn't turn cancerous before we get somewhere where I'm covered for surgery and can have it biopsied and removed.

No wonder I'm up listening to Breaking Benjamin at 3 am!

I can't believe I thought that I was getting a reprieve from being shafted by medical insurance companies! *snort* Stupid me.

So here Mr Insurance Company, let me lean over a bit more so you can get a better angle while you fuck me in the ass! Oh yeah, that's it....right there.

Breathe Me...

2008-05-07T18:44:00.001+12:00

I've heard this song before, but it wasn't until recently that I heard it and caught the lyrics....and they made me cry. So I listened to it again, and cried some more, and more, and more. Not in a horrible way, but in a "I know what you are saying so well that it takes my breath away." I thought some of you would get the same thing from it, so I wanted to post it for you to check out. The song is "Breathe Me" done by Sia

There is an "official" video for the song, but it is so distracting that I decided to link to this one instead. The lyrics are:

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Keepin’ me on my toes!

2008-05-02T03:55:00.001+12:00

Between immigration stuff for both NZ and the US...and rounds with doctors I want to kick, life is keepin' me on my toes!

Where are we in the immigration process?

US immigration-- We've sent in all the possible paperwork we can...now we play the waiting game. Could be a month before we hear anything, could be up to 4 months. (evil,eh?) All we can do is wait, hope to hear sooner rather than later, and send lots of good energy to get everything done quickly and without any problems. When we hear from them it will be to (hopefully) be given a final interview date with the embassy here. Chris will then have to schedule the health exam in enough time to have the medical certificate from the doctor approved, and have it sent to the embassy before the interview. At the interview they will do a final review of our documents, ask some questions to confirm we aren't scamming them, and then either approve or deny Chris' visa. If approved, we should be able to leave the country within a few weeks!

NZ immigration-- I sent in a request for an extention on my permit here. I currently have 13 days left legally in NZ. Scary, huh? I have no nails left 'cause I've bitten them all down...*snort* They've been processing my application since April 15th....they'd better get done soon damn it! They don't have to give me a extension since I've already been here for almost 2 years. No, they don't care that we are married and that US immigration is making life difficult....so..yeah...fun fun!

If they kick me out of NZ, we're going to Australia to wait for the US to finish processing Chris' visa. Our hope is that if we are forced to leave NZ, once we have an interview date at the embassy, hopefully they'll let me come back in the country on a limited purpose visa, which states when I'm coming in, when I'm leaving, and it can't be extended...

Anywho, so that's where everything is now! We've gotta pack up everything in our flat in case we have to leave the country in a hurry. I hate packing. LOL